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6:48 a.m. - 2005-07-06

THE NAZIS COULD ONLY DREAM OF SUCH TORTURE


This morning I awoke to the horrific stench of a disembowled Rottweiler in our living room.

Upon inspection of the living room, I could not find said Rottweiler and continued my search for the culprit behind this disturbing odor.

Once the wife woke up, I began to grill her.

"Did you take a dump in the closet again and hide it using the corpse of a Korean war baby?" I asked.

"No," she moaned, still trying to wake up.

"I only ask because you've done it before," I countered. "So what the hell is that stench?"

She sniffed hard and her face scrunched up into a ball of disgust.

"Jesus!" she gasped. "Have you checked Andrew's room to make sure he didn't have explosive diarrhea all over his walls?"

"That was next on my list," I said.

After checking on Andrew, that scenario could be checked off my list. He was sleeping peacefully with no signs of watery feces all over his walls.

To make a long, somewhat boring story short ... I uhhhh ... we had these frozen fish filets for dinner Monday night.

My eyes were bigger than my tummy. Not literally of course. I'd have to have eyes three feet wide for that to be the case.

But I couldn't finish my fish filets.

So they went into the garbage.

Here's a little tip for you guys ... when throwing away frozen fish filets, it's best not to let them rot inside the house for two days.

Holy hell.

My nasal passages will never be the same.

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