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6:34 a.m. - 2006-02-08

HOW TO BE A REAL JERK WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

1) Go out to a Best Buy sometime during lunch. For the sake of argument, let's say you went out yesterday.

2) See the new DVDs that are out and start picking them up and carrying them with you throughout the store.

3) Accumulate more DVDs. Even pick up a DVD you had no intention of buying just because it's cheap.

4) Spend close to $92.54 on DVDs.

5) Go back to work, plop down at your desk and casually mention that you just bought a bunch of DVDs at lunchtime.

6) Wait five minutes in total silence.

7) Listen for the next ten minutes to the woman in your office whose checks are bouncing at her bank because she's had to help pay her divorced mother's bills recently, including her mortgage and utilities and there was no money left over for her and her family. Listen to her describe in pained detail how she had to have a friend buy her family's groceries over the last two weeks because she had to somehow feed her three children.

8) Sit there very quietly while she talks about her money problems and try not to think about which DVD you're going to watch first that evening.

Gah.

Hindsight being 20/20, I really shouldn't have been all "I bought 'Van Wilder'. I've never seen it, but it was only ten bucks! TEN BUCKS! Can you believe it?!?"


Yesterday morning, Susie was making Andrew some chocolate milk in a new sippy cup kind of thing.

He can drink out of a regular cup when he's sitting at the table, but in the car, we prefer he drinks out of sippy cups because he spills more drinkage than Katherine Hepburn with a Big Gulp on a roller coaster.

Anyway, the straw apparently wasn't working properly in the thing.

I told her I'd look at it when I got a chance as she poured the chocolate milk into another cup and was finished with the project of getting the kid some chocolate milk.

Just now, 24 hours later, I went to inspect the cup and straw.

I blew into the straw and it was apparently clogged.

I sucked hard on the straw.

Now, I don't know if you've ever sucked a wad of congealed chocolate milk with the force of a jet engine into your throat, but I can guarantee you Sister ... you don't want to do it twice.

My mouth now tastes like I've been trying to suck the entrails from Pat Morita's rotting corpse via his anus.

Freakin' rotten dairy products.

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