BITCH, BITCH, BITCH

The in-laws are GONE!!

HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!!

HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!!

HAL-LEEEEEE-LUUUUUU-JAHHHHHH!!

I celebrated the fact that we finally had no company by walking around the house in my boxers last night.

Which ain't exactly a pretty sight.

Man.

I'm pissed.

Can ya tell??

Y'see...I'm SICK of living in a tiny portion of America that NEVER gets any snow.

NEVER.

Okay...not "never". But maybe once every couple of years.

The weathermen in this town have been doing their best Chicken Little impressions for the last few days, SWEARING that we were about to all get snowed in by accumulations of up to ONE INCH!!!

WHOOOOHOOOOO!!! AN INCH OF SNOW!!!!

Somebody get the snow blower out!! We've got AN INCH!!!

So Monday night was the night all the snow was supposed to fall.

Nothing. It only got down to about 35 degrees ... not freezing.

Yesterday ... it got COLD.

It was like...31 degrees!!!

And then....we got ... SNOW!!!

Real light flurries kicked up a few snowflakes in the parking lot of the newspaper.

Mattie Gee and I ran outside with our tongues out, trying to catch snowflakes on our tongue.

At least ... I was trying to catch snowflakes. I think he just might be retarded.

The snow stopped after about three minutes. What had made it to the ground had already dissipated.

White Christmas indeed.

So they're predicting a wintry mix for tonight now. A mix of rain, sleet and snow.

Yeah right.

I wish the weathermen in this town would just step in front of the TV camera and say ... "Look...you people live in the DEEP south ...we are NEVER going to get any snow here. Just quit wishing for the shit because it AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN."

I'd have a whole lot more faith in my local weather forecaster if that was the case.

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So anyway ... the in-laws.

God...my father in law gave me the creeps the entire time he was here.

It was just so strange having them here. I barely know these people and what I do know of them, I don't like.

Yet, they treat me as if I was their son.

Well, no thanks, Pops. I've already got parents.

I know it's pretty childish of me, but I barely spoke to them the entire week. I never initiated any conversations with them and answered their questions as quickly and quietly as possible.

It's just that...the shit that man pulled on my wife when she was younger ... I can't forgive him for the way he treated her as a child.

Susie's forgiven him for being a dick.

I...have not.

All I know is...it's like a heavy burden has been lifted off of me now.

I feel GOOD.

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We have REALLY screwed up with Christmas this year.

We've only sent out a handful of Christmas cards ... we STILL haven't sent out any Thank you cards for the gifts we received AFTER Andy was born ... and birth announcements?? We have 50 of them ... just don't have the time to send them out right now.

I feel like such a shit. I threw together a half-assed Christmas CD to send to various peeps in the family ... and not all of those are going to make it to their destinations by Christmas.

And NOW my CD burner is on the fritz. I can't get the door open on the thing.

Hmmmm...do you think there's a possibility I can find something else to bitch and whine about this morning??

Doubtful.

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Susie's sister from Texas is still threatening to drive here next week with her three boys if the weather's good.

I need everyone to pray for snow in Dallas, Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama.

Pwease?!?

Not even for your dear Uncle Bob??

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Having a baby really cuts into your masturbation schedule.

... Let's pretend I didn't say that.

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I received an email from one of the senior writers at "Entertainment Weekly" magazine this morning wanting to talk about a certain diary here that was shut down late last week.

I was as vague as possible with him about the diary and then hit him up for a job.

He probably wants a resume and all. I doubt a fake diary constitutes a resume.

Then again ... you never know.

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Every Tuesday, I go to this awesome Chinese take-out place down the street to pick up lunch.

Every time, they ask me if I want "Duck Sauce...Soy sauce".

Except these guys aren't really masters of the English language. You won't see them reading any Books on Tape professionally any time soon.

So it always comes out "Duh saw Soy saw?" real fast.

That's our new catch phrase at work.

"Can you get this ad to me in ten minutes?"

"Duh saw soy saw??"

"What??"

"Duh saw soy saw??"

"What the hell are you saying??"

"DUH...SAW...SOY...SAW...???"

"Screw it...I'll do it myself."

"Tee hee!!"

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I got a Christmas present from a local school of veterinary medicine yesterday.

That's one of the cool perks of my job...I get tons of "Suck-up" gifts at the end of the year.

It's their way of saying "Thanks for all you do for us each year...here's a gift certificate/box of fruit/tin full of nuts."

So yesterday ... I get a candle shaped like an apple from this veterinary medicine school.

I have no idea why I'm mentioning it here.

Like it's supposed to make you jealous or something.

"That g-damned Uncle Bob!!! He ALWAYS gets apple-shaped candles...the rat bastard!!!"

Sorry.

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This, quite possibly, has been one of the most lackluster entries I've cranked out in a few days.

I'm fighting the clock here. This damned computer's been acting up all morning and I've wasted nearly an hour trying to correct the problems.

...Which...since I'm no computer wizard...consists of me shutting the machine on and off several times in a row.

With that said ... I think this thing's ready to be shut off and shut back on again.

So I'll let you go.

I've been inundated with requests to join the Army here in the last few days. I promise I'll add those people to the list in the next 24 hours or so.

Just... not right now.

Thanks for understanding.

And thanks for reading this malarkey.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

What's the worst gift you've ever received?