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09:48:58 - 2000-08-31

STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE THE AMAZING FAT BASTARD

Well HI diary...I think I'll add my diary entry right here!

Wasssssap???

I just ate two slices of leftover pizza from last night...it's coming up on 5:45 a.m....this might be a long day.

The pizza was actually kinda lousy. Y'see...for the two millionth time...I hate cheese. But there's this pizza place in town that makes pizza with a delicious sauce and only a sprinkling of cheese. We go there at least once a month and I always get pizza.

So last night we go there. And apparently, the guy that makes pizza on Wednesday nights doesn't make them the same way the guy on Friday night makes them.

The guy last night made it with just a sprinkling of sauce and a dumpster full of cheese.

Oh...and he burned the crust.

I woulda whined and bitched because that's what I do best... but our waitress was sweet and just had a baby and kept Susie entertained with all sorts of baby stories and advice, so I didn't feel like bursting her new mother bubble by saying "Ya know...this pizza tastes like placenta."

So...for once...I kept my freakin' mouth shut.

Lemme see...anything to report from yesterday...

I got a call to be in yet ANOTHER fashion show yesterday.

Uncle Bob...prancing up and down the catwalk like he was Morgan Fairchild on 'ludes.

...Famous actress from the '70s, for you clueless punks out there...

Of course ... the fashion show is a GOODWILL fashion show, and the clothes I'll be wearing is something that didn't sell in someone's garage sale.

BUT IT'S A FASHION SHOW!!! When's YOURRRRR next fashion show, Buster?!?! Hmmmmmm?????

...That's what I thought ....

The lady in charge of the Fashion Show has been reading my columns lately and knew that I've been going through this "pregnant husband syndrome" that has left me with a sudden weight gain because I polish off half a cold pizza before 6 a.m. and things like that, and wanted to know what size I wore now.

"Do you wear 2XL," she asked.

Shit. I doubt it. Does anybody make "Fucking Huge L"?

I suggested just wrapping somebody's old bed sheets around me and announce that I'm going for an authentic Greek look, but she said she'd try to find me some clothes. The circus will be in town before the fashion show and she was going to check to see if any of the circus freaks have any clothes to donate.

Y'know...I remember the days when the circus came to town and you paid a quarter to go behind a curtain and look at the fat lady.

Does anybody else remember that??

She was always eating and must have weighed like 500 lbs. For like five years straight, every year when the circus came to town, there would be her little exhibition and every year I'd pay another quarter to gander at the fat lady.

Nobody would ever say anything. It was dead silence as we stood there and watched her eat fried chicken in awe.

They don't do that anymore, y'know.

That's a shame. Gimme a wig and I could have had a pretty sweet part time job.

I go to the doctor today to have my arm looked at again. Here's the Top Ten questions I bet he asks...

"Does this hurt?"

"How about this?"

"Does it hurt when I bite down hard on your arm?"

"Do you think I look sexy in this white coat?"

"Does my ass look fat?"

"Why didn't you write about me this week when you wrote about breaking a bone in your elbow? I'm the one who informed you of the break."

"Do you like me?"

"Do you like Carly Simon?"

"Aren't you a fashion model?"

"How about that Survivor, huh?"

Speaking of Survivor...did anybody else have withdrawals last night from no Survivor?

I did. I went to check out the Diaryland version instead, but it just wasn't the same.

OOOOOOOOO!!!

But the season finale of "Oz" was last night!!!

HEEEEEEEEE!!!

Now, THAT rocked!! Took a while to get on its feet, but DAYUMMMM....it rocked.

If'n ya don't watch it...you SHOULD. If you don't have HBO...you SHOULD.

It's THE MOST intense show on television.

Maybe I should start a Diaryland version of "Oz". Where a bunch of us go in a prison and I kill you feeble bastards off one by one because you won't buy my drugs.

Maybe not.

And finally...the mall where I fell and broke my elbone sent me a bouquet of cookies yesterday, apologizing for me almost DYING on its ice skating rink.

I guess this is how they avoid major lawsuits...with cookies.

Well ... I'm not going to be as easily swayed as the white trash in this town. If they think that I, UNCLE BOB, am going to let a bouquet of cookies smooth over my PERSONAL INJURY CAUSED ON THEIR PROPERTY ...they're....they're ... they're....

...They're some damned good cookies ...

Goodwill may wanna sew TWO bedsheets together for my toga.

***************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

What's your favorite part of the circus or state fair?

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