JAIME...WILL YOU MARRY ME??

Chapter One: "Jaime's Sinful Confession"

Wow.

FINALLY...somebody steps forward and says something negative about me.

... And it's about damned time.

"Jaime" signed my message board, letting me know I'm freakin' disgusting.

Rather...my entries are. Thankfully, she had no opinion on me personally.

Anyway... I appreciate the kind words spoken on my behalf, but think about it y'all...the kid hit the nail square on the head ... I AM freakin' disgusting.

There's really no reason to defend me here. Call my diary disgusting, and quite frankly...I've gotta agree with ya.

The ironic thing here is... my wife and I were discussing baby names this morning and I suggested "Jamie"...boy or girl.

We both liked it and it's in our top ten list now.

Well...it was...until Jaime got SASSY with me.

Heh.

Hugs, Jaime, wherever you are. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. I'm all the way cool with you, girl.

Chapter Two: "Music Maestro!"

Well...went over to my buddy Eddie's this morning and we spent the morning burning CDs from MP3s. One of the discs didn't turn out for some odd reason. It plays on some players but doesn't on others.

...Like you really care.

I'm sure Jaime's probably rolling her eyes, bored out of her mind right now.

Hehehe.

Sorry.

*ahem*

Let's continue.

Chapter Three: "Check Out These Balls"

TONIGHT we HAVE to go to this Blue Jean Ball thing. I know I told you last night we were going to the Dog-U-Tante ball and we didn't...but we HAVE to go to the Blue Jean Ball tonight.

Only because the lady gave me the tickets personally and strongly requested my presence at the Ball.

And then I saw her on Thursday and promised her I'd be there.

It should be fun. They're having a west coast jump swing band. Whooohoooo. I hope I don't orgasm on the dance floor.

It starts at 8, I told the wife we'd get there at 8:30, stay at MOST, one hour, and be home by 10.

I will be SOOOO glad when this kid finally comes so that I NEVER have to go to another social function at night again.

I don't mind them during the day ... but don't you DARE try to steal my nightlife.

Chapter Four: "We've Got Blood On Aisle Four"

Well...I've sent the wife off to fetch some fixin's for meals for the upcoming week.

She still ain't back yet.

(Uncle Bob scratches the part of his belly hanging below his t-shirt and belches)

She best hurry her ass on.

Actually...I do worry about her when I send her shopping alone.

Because my wife becomes a drooling zombie when she's behind a grocery cart.

My wife has never understood the simple act of "getting the hell out of people's way" at the grocery store. She's had women get so frustrated with her that they pulled out clumps of her hair in a violent rage.

It's true! It's true!

Okay...that's not true...but good God, people...if looks could kill, my wife would be ...well...dead, I guess...

She is notorious for leaving the cart behind as she goes to get something "on the next aisle". The next thing you know, she's in the deli eating a sandwich and thinking she's at Subway while the cart is wheeling itself around in circles in the produce department.

I'll tell ya ... Nancy Reagan only THINKS she's got it rough. She ain't married to my Susan.

And oh holy shit....she is the absolute WORST at stopping and comparing prices on things and just leaving the cart in the middle of the aisle.

Other customers will be lined up and talking shit about her:

OLD LADY: "Hey Blondie....MOVE THE CART!!"

OLD LADY #2: "Get a move on, bitch!!"

YOUNG MOTHER: "Move it lady...I'm about to piss myself!"

Meanwhile, Susie's standing there, blindly staring at the back of a box of Lipton Soup Mix trying to find a new way to cook chicken breasts.

I usually panic, but I'm just as angry as the mob behind us, so I loosen her grip on the cart and take over the driving duties.

Oh hell. Wrong move, Chachi.

"FINE. You navigate," she says snippily.

One thing I absolutely HATE is when my wife chastises me in public.

It's the only thing that will really make me mad at her where I don't wanna talk the rest of the day.

Imagine that. Silent Bob.

Heh.

Anyway...it goes without saying that the majority of our "fights" have started in grocery stores over the years because of her complete and utter lack of respect for other shoppers.

And Heaven forbid you ask her to "just pick out" a checkout line.

My wife apparently has no depth perspective. She will always wind up in the longest checkout line.

I've tried to point out to her that once you finish collecting the groceries, the next goal is to get them home as soon as possible.

Not stand around in line and read the Globe.

Anyway...all that said... I just wasn't up for a trip to the grocery store with her today.

We've just been getting along so well lately and I didn't want to ruin it.