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5:59 a.m. - 2001-10-03

99 KEGS OF BEER ON THE WALL...99 KEGS OF BEEEEER

STILL NUMBER ONE! STILL NUMBER ONE!

So last night I'm watching TV because A) I'm old; B) I'm boring; C) I have no life and I watch this "Undeclared" show on Fox.

You might recall back in May when I said that "Undeclared" was one of the few shows that I thought Fox was showing that would be a winner.

That and "The Tick". Which won't be on anytime soon to my knowledge. Maybe it will. I dunno. I'm not Uncle TV Guide, am I?

Oh...according to that entry I just linked to, it will be on Thursdays this fall. Okay. Maybe I AM Uncle TV Guide and didn't even know it.

Anyway...last night on "Undeclared", the guys found a keg that still had plenty of beer in it so they decided to kill the keg.

Ahhhhhh...memories.

So if you will indulge me this morning, I'd like to revisit the time when I tried to kill a keg as well.

The year was 1982. Many of you probably don't remember that year because you were either too young or too stoned.

I was the latter. At the time, I had a roommate who was growing his own pot out in the woods and he had about a dozen pot plants that we would go visit once a week, pick several ounces from them, take the pot back to the dorm and throw wild parties nearly every night where the weed was free to all that showed up.

This was the summer of 1982 in Knoxville, Tennessee...the year the World's Fair came to town. We weren't in school at the time, we were all living in an apartment complex/dormitory and working at the World's Fair. I was a parking lot attendant. Yeah, I know...tough job. Talk about your pressure...sit in a lawn chair all day and tell drivers that your lot's full and to keep driving.

Oh. And manage to stay high while doing so.

Anyway...these parties would normally attract quite a few people because when you offer free pot, you get a lot of people showing up. They bring the booze, you supply the weed, everyone's mellow and happy.

Plus...the four of us roommates had an apartment on a wing with seven other apartments...all occupied by women. Eight apartments...32 people...four guys...28 women...you do the math...we had HELLACIOUS parties there.

Because...and here's a little fact I learned early on in life...to have a successful party, you need two things...whiskey and women. This is especially true in the bar business. But in college...all you really need are the women. The men will come if the women are there.

So lemme get back on track here...For some reason, my roommate David thought that we should get a keg for our next party.

I didn't think it was necessary. We supplied the pot...that should be enough to entice people.

Keep in mind, I was always much more of a pot head than a drinker. Sure, I'd drink...but if I had my choice, pot was my tool for escapism. No hangovers...quicker buzz...and things were more carefree whereas alcohol made me feel bloated and stupid.

Ironically, I still feel bloated and stupid yet I haven't drank in years. Go figure.

My vote was overruled as the other three roommates decided that a keg would turn a party into a P-A-R-T-Y!!!

So we bought it.

And the people, they came.

It didn't hurt that we advertised the hell out of the party. These idiots made up flyers and put them on doors of the apartments. Naturally, when you're a college student and within stumbling distance of a summer party...you're going to go.

Where we would normally have about 40 people show up at our parties, we must have had 100 show up at this one. I just remember sitting on the edge of the bathtub, pumping the keg and smoking joint after joint all night long in there. At one point, I looked out of the bathroom and our apartment was literally wall-to-wall people.

By 6 a.m., the party had begun to wind down and people were either passed out wherever they could find a spot, or trying desperately to hold meaningful conversations while ripped out of their gourds.

That summer, I had a crush on Janet. She lived across the hall from us with her three roommates and we were good friends. We'd go to movies together, go out to eat, go grocery shopping, hang out...just not officially "date".

She was tall, blonde, and cute as a button. I just remember she had a beautiful, infectious smile. She'd smile and I'd instantly smile. I couldn't help it.

We saw "E.T." together and I was ashamed because I about lost it when E.T. was dying. I remember staring at the curtains on the side of the screen and blocking out the dialogue so I wouldn't start bawling while sitting next to her.

Anyway...she and I had passed out on the bathroom floor together. I know...highly romantic, eh?

We woke up about the same time and just laid there. I wanted to kiss her so bad. We were both still drunk as hell so rather than lean over and kiss her, I asked.

"Janet, can I kiss you?" I asked.

I remember the silence afterwards was painful. Finally, she answered me.

"No," she replied.

Okay.

I have no idea why she wouldn't allow me to kiss her. Morning breath? Pot breath? She didn't like me that way? The dried vomit on my lips? Was it my long hair, earring and stained sweatshirt that was way too radical for a campus full of Izods and pink Oxfords? The fact that we were on the bathroom floor with our legs wrapped around a toilet?

But I accepted her answer and came up with a better plan.

"So...you wanna beer?" I asked.

She thought about this a whole lot quicker than she thought about our kiss.

"Sure," she said.

We found two cups and killed the keg together in the bathroom, whispering drunkenly so as to not wake everyone else in the apartment.

I say "we" killed the keg and that's not entirely true. Eventually people started waking up and the party resumed and carried on well into the afternoon.

Janet and I remained friends and eventually, I started dating a friend of hers pretty seriously. I didn't do it to make Janet jealous, but I think she became a little jealous. I remember her making catty remarks about the girl after we started dating.

You know...those truly were the best of times. Parties every night, sitting in a parking lot nearly comatose every day...I've forgotten just how enriching my youth actually was.

Anyway...watching "Undeclared" last night brought back some great memories. I recommend the show to everyone.

I also watched "Scrubs" and really liked that as well.

But I was never a med student, so I couldn't really relate.

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