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5:05 a.m. - 2000-10-23

HEY GRANNY, CAN YOU GET ME SOME KIND BUD?

*Yawwwwwwwn*

Man ... I HATE Mondays.

I don't even like the NAME "Monday". It sounds like "mundane". Or "Mundy". Or "Munhay". Or "Muhswaye."

I HATE 'em.

Of course ... I'm not big on Sundays either. Sundays just serve as a 24-hour reminder that Monday is next.

Damn you Sundays. DAMN YOU!!

I did not have enough time this weekend to do everything I was going to do to prepare for the inevitable birth of my child...which I predict will come this week.

I wanted to edge my yard and sweep out the gutter in front of the house.

Didn't do it.

I needed to bathe the dog.

Didn't do it.

I was supposed to write a business profile on a guy who started an outdoor products business and is doing quite well for himself selling crap for hunters to use.

Didn't do it.

I needed to pack my bag for the hospital.

Didn't do it.

So what the hell DID I do all weekend??

Well...ummmm...you've read everything from Saturday. I guess I need to explain Sunday now.

Went to church yesterday. As the official videographer for church functions, I was elected to video the christening of the pastor's new son.

Susie had me set up the camera and tripod to the left of the church, where they would be doing the Christening.

The Christening began and the guy conducting the service was standing smack dab in front of the camera with his back to the camera, completely blocking out everything going on.

I panicked.

It was obvious he wasn't about to move, so I had to move. I desperately tried to remove the camera from the tripod, but it was screwed on tight. Then, I realized I needed the battery for the camera which I left in the camera bag.

I turned to Susie and mouthed the word "BATTERY" as big as I could.

Susie thought I was playing charades. She gave me that tilted puppy head that says "What??"

"THE BATTERY," I mouthed again, pointing at the camera.

Her face scrunched up as she shook her head back and forth to let me know she had no idea what I was talking about.

Finally, I whispered loudly ..."BATTERY".

Yes...you hear it plain as day on the tape.

Susie figures out that I need a battery, reaches in the bag and hands it to me.

On the video, the whole thing looks like we hit some bad turbulence in church. For a few seconds, I get nothing but feet. Then a scene of the congregation sitting there and finally back on the pastor and his family. Other than that, the video turned out good.

Then after the service, I get cornered by two men who want me to come back at 3:30 and help them slice up a pig. Only in Alabama do you get asked that question at church.

The church was having its annual fall festival and were cooking an actual pig on the grill. Legs...hooves...head...the whole bit.

I KNEW I had a million and one things to do at home. In fact ... Susie was told to take it easy and we weren't even planning on coming back for the fall festival.

So naturally, I said "sure".

By the time we got home from church it was 2:00. By the time I got finished dubbing tapes of the morning's Christening for the pastor and his family, it was 3:20.

And then I was back at church, hacking up pig loins for two hours until my hands were covered in blisters, followed by an hour of frying hush puppies.

I ate quicker than an ant fart and hauled ass home to do some writing.

I wrote non-stop until midnight. Went to bed...tossed and turned until 1 a.m. and then slept four hours, got up and now I'm writing this.

I was talking to this lady last night...mid-50s ... pretty prim and proper...sings in the choir... she said she hadn't slept much Saturday night. I asked why. She said she had been at the Tina Turner concert the night before. I thought...wow...this choir lady is pretty cool. I said "Cool...you got to see her on her retirement tour." She said "Well ... I never believe that stuff. I saw the Stones on their retirement tour in '89...then '94."

Grandma went to the Stones?!?

I'm trying not to act too freaked out about this lady going to a Stones concert. So I say "Yeah, I saw the Stones in '94. It was the best show I've ever seen."

She says "Oh...not me. Pink Floyd was by far the best show ever."

PINK FUCKING FLOYD?!?!?

The quiet grandma who sings in the choir was smokin' doobies at a Pink Floyd concert?!?

This woman is TOO cool.

Wow. It's 5:55 a.m. and painfully apparent that this entry is going nowhere quick if I'm reduced to talking about old ladies getting wasted at Pink Floyd concerts.

Thank you for your time and your half-assed attention.

*******************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Where are the best and/or worst places you've ever lived?

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