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09:18:19 - 2000-07-10

BOOK REVIEWS, HEADACHE BLUES AND BABY'S KICKING MAJOR ASS NEWS

Wha' choo lookin' at, Willis??

Soooo...hey. How the hell are ya?

(Bob fumbles for something to say)

Soooo...yesterday I went to Books A Million (the Southern version of Barnes & Noble ...they've got Books...A MILLION OF 'EM!) and checked out the Parenting books.

Susie's been on my ass lately to read all her baby books. I tried reading a few but it's all "Your body is going through some incredible changes right now..."

No shit, lady. I feel like I could shit a Volvo. I've GOTTA stop eating microwave burritos for breakfast...

Anyway...these books meant nothing to me, because they were all written for pregnant women.

I needed something that I could relate to.

So I snuck out the door while she napped and got me some durned FATHER books.

"How To Be A Pregnant Father"-- sucked. It was written 23 years ago, and things have really changed since then.

For one ... women don't give birth on flat rocks in the middle of deserts anymore.

I guess I shoulda looked at it a bit more before I paid ten bucks for it. But the cute little cartoon daddy on the front sold me.

DAMMIT! I'm a sucker for cheap marketing ploys...

So I start reading "What The Heck Did You Expect?" Once again, a frantic cartoon dad on the cover holding a screaming baby sucked me in as soon as I picked it up.

"This is what I'll be going through in five months. HA! I need this!" I said aloud.

...Little children stared at me as they backed away slowly...

Once again...the book suh-hucked. I hate humorous books when the author isn't as humorous as me.

I'm not trying to say I'm the funniest mofo to come down the pike since Grandma fell out of the hearse. But I've got my moments.

This guy's idea of a funny line is "Get plenty of sleep when you can, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT!!"

Bwahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!

Oh...you SLAY ME, Mr. "I've Got A Child ANNNNND A Book Deal"!!!

The best books, BY FAR, is "She's Having A Baby...And I'm Having A Breakdown" and "She's Had A Baby...And I'm Having A Meltdown (the inevitable sequel)".

I giggled my firm, supple buttocks off at this book. I'm only on the first book, because the second one (AFTER the birth) doesn't apply yet.

This book is great. Not as good as *I* would do, but it's still pretty funny AND informative.

Y'know...great idea here...why don't *I* write a book about first time fathers and pregnancies???

BECAUSE my wife has been an angel through it all. Eating right, exercising, no morning sickness, none of the BAD signs a woman goes through with pregnancy.

....Then again...we ain't done yet, kids...

She has been SOOOO horny lately though.

I mean...INCREDIBLY horny.

Meanwhile...I've had the sex drive of a chair.

I've had to actually turn her down for sex lately which these books SPECIFICALLY say "DON'T DO".

Apparently, I'm into my last few days of sporadic sexual activities. After the baby is born, you have to PLAN and SCHEDULE your sex time.

Jeez...I never thought of it that way. It's always been situations like this around my house.

TELEVISION: "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, Regis...that's my final answer."

ME: "Honey...wanna fuck?"

WIFE: "Sure."

********************************

Now it's going to be:

TELEVISION: "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, Regis...that's my final answer."

ME: "Honey...wanna fuck?"

BABY: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

WIFE: "Maybe in 20 years."

********************************

I need new pillows.

I have one of those foam spiked things that is supposed to really help you sleep at night. But it's just so damned firm and uncomfortable that I put a regular pillow on top of it and sleep on the two pillows.

Then, every morning I wake up with a splitting headache where I can't turn my head without screaming in agony.

I take two Excedrin EVERY MORNING and in about 20 minutes the pain goes away.

But shit. Bottom line. I need new pillows.

********************************

I bought a new sprinkler yesterday.

Here in the deep south, we're having a pretty bad drought. Everybody's yards are pretty much dead and dry.

I've had the same sprinkler for over 10 years and yesterday it just kinda gave out on me and wouldn't move.

So I got a new one. Says it's "Unbreakable".

Right there on the box it says "Step on it...IT WON'T BREAK!"

So I stepped on it in the store.

I broke the shit out of it.

Luckily, nobody was watching. So I put the broken one back on the shelf, took one that wasn't broken and made a mental note to never step on the sprinkler until I lost some weight.

********************************

The loud-assed Sister-in-Law from Texas called at 10:30 last night.

I knew it was her before I even picked up the receiver. Mainly because I could hear her bellowing in the night air all the way from Texas.

"I WISH THEY'D HURRY AND PICK UP THE PHOOOOOOONE"

"It's your sister," I informed the wife as I rolled over to answer the phone.

Sure as shit...it was her. They made it back to Texas okay and wanted to thank us for our hospitality.

I said "Just thank me for not killing you and leaving you in a shallow grave."

She laughed. But I still don't think she got it.

********************************

I watched the baby kick last night.

Susie's stomach fluttered like she had swallowed a live chicken.

That lil bastard can KICK, lemme tell ya.

I've already signed him up for karate lessons, soccer AND as a kicker for the Atlanta Falcons 2025.

He's going to be a regular ass-kicker.

Picking up my slack.

That's my boy.

********************************

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