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17:01:20 - 2000-01-26

Today, I'd like to put into writing all the reasons women should and should NOT like me. Idiosyncracies, bad habits, and personal flaws abound in Uncle Bob. Luckily, I met a woman who accepted all of my flaws and has stayed with me for a number of years. Here's just a few of the things that would drive any normal woman crazy:

* My favorite pair of shoes are a corrective pair of tennis shoes. I wear them as much as humanly possible. When I say "corrective", please don't get an image of me struggling through the mall with rickets and those metal arm canes on both arms. They're shoes with lifts in them to help support my arches. I can walk with no pain, and I'm about an inch or two taller when I wear them.

* I can't stand to have my nipples touched, licked, sucked or even looked at. They're extremely sensitive and not in a good way, either.

*This also goes for the bridge of my nose, the inside of my elbow and the bottoms of my feet. Don't touch, don't get your face pummeled.

* I have the dick of a five-year-old.

* Alright...that was an exaggeration. It's actually the size of a four-year-old.

* I'm an extremely picky eater who will not TOUCH cheese of any sort except on pizza.

* I never finished college because I couldn't wait to work.

* I have abnormally strong sperm and could get a tree pregnant if I wanted to. Condoms cannot stop my reign of sperm terror either. Trust me.

* I sometimes break out in cold sweats while I sleep.

OKAY ... now some of the reasons every woman in the world would want to be with me.

* I'm fucking hilarious when I wanna be.

* I'm in touch with my feminine side.

* I'm tall, dark and somewhat handsome. If you're into Downs Syndrome.

* I will sacrifice anything to make others happy.

* I do loads of charity work with a special place in my heart for handicapped kids and the homeless.

* I hate to argue or fight.

* I have retarded ejaculation which is the opposite of premature ejaculation. Meaning ... when we're knockin' boots, you'd better bring a magazine because this is going to take a while.

* I'm a decent cook and I don't mind doing the grocery shopping by myself.

* I'm not afraid to cry in front of my woman. But when I do, I can't stop and end up looking like a huge pansy.

* I have no weird fetishes myself but am willing to satisfy others' kinks.

That's just some of the reasons. I could go into more detail, but let's face it ... I'm shocked yer still here.

And let's keep in mind...if I sound like your dream man...tough. I'm taken.

UNCLE BOB'S HOUSE OF FUN

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