CAN I GET ANY MORE BORING???

I offered the Mayor a job yesterday and he accepted.

Which...technically means...I'm his new boss. And I am going to BUST HIS MAYORAL BALLS, BAYBEEEEE!!!

I asked him if he'd be interested in writing a column "Ask The Mayor" for the newspaper. Basically, each week, we give him a question to answer and he answers it.

Duh.

Of course ... this is SOOOOOO not on the up and up.

He won't REALLY be writing it...one of his staff members will.

Are you disillusioned yet??

Anyway, it's something we tried with our former mayor years ago. Except our former mayor was a raging asshole who would rarely accept our questions posed for him and finally quit writing the column in a huff because the questions were stupid.

What's so stupid about "Boxers or Briefs?"

But our new Mayor seemed thrilled to be asked and even more tickled to start doing it.

I can't wait for the day when I call him and yell into the phone "THIS IS SHIT, MAYOR!!! YOU CALL THIS A COLUMN?!?!?"

It's coming, believe you me, Chachi.

I'm a coke addict.

I've drank a case of coca-cola in four days.

I'm shocked my teeth haven't rotted out yet.

In other news...

The Bug Man came yesterday. And, as always, he stayed WAYYYYY past his welcome.

He got beeped while he was here, so he called whoever beeped him. It was another customer who was being rude to him because he couldn't service their home today.

He's going to be 60 miles south today, servicing homes there and tried to explain that to the customer.

The lady said he was being rude about it and wanted to speak to his supervisor.

So now I've got a depressed bug man walking around my house in circles wondering was he really rude to the lady.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to convince him that everyone has bad days and to not let it get him down.

No can do.

So the guy SITS DOWN at my kitchen table and begins to tell me about other customers who have gotten on his nerves lately.

I'm like...what the hell are you doing, bug guy??? Get up, finish spraying my damned house and hit the bricks, Rudy. This ain't a fuckin' therapy session, jiggy.

He finally leaves after being convinced by me that he said nothing wrong over the phone to the customer. THEN I even promised him that if he got in trouble with his supervisor to have his supervisor call ME and I would vouch for him that he said and did nothing rude to this customer while on my phone.

There's nothing worse than a whiny bug man.

....Except for a pushy cable TV salesman...

This past Saturday, some guys from one of the cable companies in town were walking through the neighborhood, handing out flyers to check out their low, low rates.

The list of Digital Channels that they had to offer beat the living shit out of the channels I have now with the competition's Digital service.

So I called the guy up.

Johnny was his name.

"Johnny," I said. "I'd like to get a few prices on your digital cable service."

"I'll be right there," Johnny said.

Thirteen seconds later...there was Johnny on the spot.

...Well...my doorstep. But I couldn't resist the Johnny on the spot line, even if it wasn't funny.

Right off the bat, Johnny can't guarantee me savings on my Digital Cable, simply because he offers so much more than what I have now.

He's offering 50 pay channels like HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, Starz, etc.

35 DMX channels.

Playboy Channel.

Etc.

Did I mention the Playboy Channel??

Anywahoooo...Johnny then starts his little spiel about "Well...if you change your phone service over to us and your internet service over to us...I can save you money."

Highly unlikely John Boy. My Internet service has been free the last four years. Beat that, shithead.

"How much do you pay for a second phone line," he asks, twirling his hair and batting his eyelashes.

"Ummmmm...something like 30 bucks...."

"Okay," he says..."We get rid of your second phone line, give you a cable modem and I charge you $35."

Hold the mofo phone....$5 for a cable internet hookup????

As much as I wanted to go for it, I had to check with the old ball and chain first.

The old ball and chain wasn't answering her phone at work.

CURSES!!

So...I talked it over with the old ball and chain last night, she said it sounded like a decent idea...spend even MORE money now that we have a kid on the way ... and we called Johnny back and told him we were interested.

"I can be on your doorstep in four seconds...wait...I'm there now."

No thanks, not tonight Johnny. How about tomorrow night??

So tonight, Johnny sells the wife on more movie channels and faster internet service.

I get roughly 250 more channels that I'll never watch because I'm addicted to surfing diaries on the Internet.

And life...as we know it...comes to a screeching halt.

I'll keep you informed on any progress made.