current entry older entries message board contact
6:08 a.m. - 2001-10-15

MUCUS IS A CHILD'S BEST FRIEND

Hellooooooo Mouseketeers!!

I had the absolute most BORING weekend imaginable. B-O-R-I-N-G...BORING!

And I LOVED it! I RELISHED it! I PICKED IT UP, MASSAGED IT GENTLY AND WHISPERED SWEET NOTHINGS IN ITS EAR!

I love boring weekends. To me, that's what the weekend is for...sheer boredom.

Well...hold on there a minute, Slim. I guess I don't mean "boring" in the sense that I become agitated with nothing to do. What I mean is a lazy weekend where nothing exciting happens and I end up just chilling the whole time.

Friday night, we watched "The Mole" because we're old and boring and "The Mole" is young and exciting and we figured we could use a little excitement in our lives. After the Mole, I downloaded anything that was even remotely associated with "Bear In The Big Blue House" for Andrew. MP3s, Screen Savers, Movies....you name it. I do believe that I now have every single song the Bear has ever recorded, which is something I bet you DON'T have, sucka!

Saturday, Susie went to her mysterious class (aka a rendezvous in a local motel with some high school football team for all I know) that lasts all day, so Andy and I chilled.

We went to a neighborhood yard sale first. We only stopped at one place that had colorful stuff in the driveway. You can usually bet that if you see colorful stuff in a driveway at a yard sale, you've just arrived at the mother of all yard sales. And sure enough, this sale had broken Happy Meal toys galore, building blocks, coloring books with most of the pages missing....YARD SALE HEAVEN!!

I picked up this yellow bucket of some cheap Lego ripoff whose lid was cracked and torn. The writing on the box was in German, but I could make out that there were supposed to be 120 pieces inside and was for ages 1-5.

Now then...you can pretty much bet the farm that if there's SUPPOSED to be 120 pieces in there, there isn't. Children lose legos like Hugh Hefner loses girlfriends. More than likely, half of those Legos have already been through their kid's digestive system at least once. I could have flipped the bucket over into the driveway and counted each piece, but I didn't. It was a yard sale. I don't mind paying a buck for a bucket of Legos.

Except there was no price tag on the bucket.

I found the guy throwing the sale and asked how much for the bucket of Legos.

"Ten dollars," he said, as if he didn't really want to part with them.

EXCUSE ME??

Ten dollars?!?

I'm sorry...did Toys R Us just relocate to your freakin' driveway, Einstein??? This is a ...say it with me...YARD SALE, DUDE ... Nobody in their right mind is going to pay ten bucks for a torn up bucket of chewed-up Legos.

I was, to put it mildly, flabbergasted.

"Ten bucks? Seriously?" I said.

"Well...that's if they're all there," the guy said. "It looks like someone's gotten in there."

Well DUH, you big dumbass. It looks like someone's gotten in there and eaten at least half of them.

"Will you take three dollars," I asked. Mainly because I only had three dollars in cash on me.

"Sorry," he said. "I've gotta take ten dollars."

I wasn't pissed. But I was shocked. I was kinda hoping Andy would realize the situation and either throw some charm into the situation by cooing or start crying uncontrollably when I put the bucket back down in the driveway.

He did neither. He just watched me put them down and we walked away.

I strapped him in his car seat, cranked up the van and we bitched together.

"I can't BELIEVE he wanted ten dollars for that," I said.

"Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba da da da da da," Andy replied.

"We could probably get you a whole new bucket for $12," I said.

"Da da da da da da da da da ma ma ma ma ma," Andy agreed.

"The nerve of that guy," I said.

Andy agreed in stunned silence.

So we went to the grocery store to get the week's groceries. Andy was good for the most part, occasionally he wanted to be held rather than ride in the cart, so I held him and successfully maneuvered the cart through the store with one hand and my belly without knocking over any Coca-Cola displays.

We get up to the checkout lane and there's only two lanes open with long lines.

I'm holding Andy and I look him in the face for the first time in a few minutes.

He's got some nasty green snotty boogers hanging out of his nose. The kid's almost a year old and I've never had to deal with anything this gross. I had no Kleenex to wipe his nose. So I did the only thing I could do. I used my fingers and ran them across his nostrils swiftly, trying to scoop up as much booger crud as possible.

I got most of it. But then I was stuck with an index finger covered in mucus.

Now I have NO IDEA what to do in a situation like this. Should I casually pick up the Enquirer and pretend like I'm reading it when I'm really covering the back cover in my son's snot boogers?

I did the Christian thing where I wouldn't subject anyone else to my son's mucus. I wiped my finger on the outside of my shorts and squirmed, knowing I had a big snot mark on my shorts.

A lady pulled her cart up behind ours and then started cooing about how cute Andrew was. She made the mistake of coming close to him to pat his head.

That's when it happened.

Andrew was full of surprises for me at this moment. Somehow, he managed to blow the biggest snot bubble out of his nostril that I have ever seen in my life. This thing had to be 8 inches in diameter. The snot bubble was bigger than his head. My first reaction was to drop the kid to the floor and go running out of the place.

The snot bubble popped and luckily the force didn't knock anybody over. The lady kept patting his head as if it hadn't happened. I've gotta give her credit...if I had been patting a strange kid on the head and he pulled that stunt with me, I'd be laying a lawsuit on those parents so quick their heads would spin.

The rest of the day was just me and the boy hanging out at home, watching videos and eating bananas.

Auburn beat Florida Saturday night!!

WHOOOOHOOOOOO!!!

I live about 45 minutes from Auburn and could have gotten tickets for the game, but we thought Florida was going to slaughter us, plus it was supposed to be thunderstorming, so I passed. Now I'm kicking myself in the arse for it. I coulda helped tear down the goal posts!! Granted, I'd have a lot of college punks calling me "Pops" and telling me to not hurt my back while doing so...but I coulda done it!

Sunday, I woke up early to work on my Ed Recap which is now up on Mighty Big TV. I had taken some Sudafed Saturday night so I was a tad woozy while writing it. I'm getting that sore throat, coughing crud that Andy had last week. As long as I don't have snot bubbles from hell at work, I should be okay.

I finished the Ed recap, stood up from my chair and felt dizzy. I blame it on my lack of chocolate, having been almost four weeks since I took a bite of anything sweet that wasn't considered a fruit.

"I don't feel like going to church," I moaned to the Mrs.

"Don't go," was her simple suggestion.

So I didn't. I stayed home and answered some questions for an interview that Trinity asked me for a new D-land site, Interview. Apparently, it's a site where Diarylanders interview Diarylanders to find out more about certain Diarylanders.

I would hope that my interview is posted today. But I'm not making any promises. It might happen, it might not. Anyway, check it out, and check it out often. You might even want to suggest an interview for them to do.

Then, I slept. I crashed on the couch, put on some soft music, and slept for three hours.

I woke up to find Susie and Andrew and one of my nephews here. I set the nephew up on Play Station where he played and Andrew chewed the other controller and babbled encouraging words to his cousin to whup Spiderman's ass.

Susie and the nephew went to children's choir practice, and it was back to me and Andy. I broke out the bananas and zweiback toast and we threw down.

Well...he threw down. I made a delicious experimental dinner consisting of chicken tenderloins chopped up and browned, with fresh green beans, broccoli, celery, mushrooms and red peppers. Then I added some pineapple chunks and smothered it all in Teriyaki sauce.

I call this original dish "Chicken tenderloins chopped up and browned, with fresh green beans, broccoli, celery, mushrooms, red peppers, and pineapple chunks smothered in Teriyaki sauce."

It was damned good.

Susie got home, we watched TV and all three of us passed out in the den together.

Got up this morning, walked my ass off in the cold air and mentally prepared myself for yet another week of the same old crap.

Oooooo!!

Except today I move into my new office!!

With windows!!! And more room!!!

THIS IS GOING TO ROCK!!!

Ahhh...Baby Boy's awake and crying. Time for me to call it quits.

If he snot bubbles me when I pick him up, I think I'm going to puke.

0 comments so far
The last one/The next one


NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


CURRENT - ARCHIVES - MESSAGES - EMAIL


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by
NotifyList.com

HEY YOU!
Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.

DISCLAIMER


Read a random entry of mine.