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09:42:10 - 2000-08-08

MUCUS PLUGS ...NEED I SAY MORE?

UPDATE: From what I've seen...everbody in Diaryland with an original template AND Site Meter on their diary has one screwed up diary. Therefore, I've thrown this template up until Site Meter gets fixed. Oh...and Bonkrood solved my template problem tonight....GOD BLESS BONKROOD!!!!

Okay, alright, alright, OKAY!!!

I KNOW I screwed up my template yesterday ... AH'M SORRY!!!

I THOUGHT I could play around with it and make it look a little different ... Oh ... I can make it look DIFFERENT alright...I can make it look like a five year old's first attempt at HTML...that's what I can make it look like.

The bottom part is still all screwy. I can't figure it out. I'm a doofus, and a dork. My apologies.

I screwed up everything that Amber spent hours working on.

I should be shot.

Alas...I doubt that I will be.

I'll figure out how to fix the bottom tomorrow when I have time to figure out my screw-ups.

I pwomise.

**************************************

So ... last night was our second night of childbirthing classes.

I've gotta say ... I just wasn't into it like I was last week.

Maybe it's because we started the class off talking about "Mucus Plugs".

Y'see...I had never even HEARD the phrase Mucus Plug. I thought the instructor was talking about some punk band at first.

"LADIES AND GENTLMEN...ALL THE WAY FROM SAN JOSE....WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER AND GIVE A BIG MILWAUKEE WELCOME TO .... MUCUS PLUG!!!!"

But then the instructor started describing mucus plugs to us and everyone's face went white.

Well...mine did anyway.

We discussed epidurals and Demerol. Apparently, you're not supposed to mix the two. Epidurals get rid of pain. Demerol just sedates you.

I asked if it was okay if the mother got an epidural and the coach got Demerol.

Some woman pissed her pants when I asked and had to leave the room for a minute.

THEN...she starts saying if your water breaks in bed, clean it up immediately.

Why?

Because ... as she put it...it will smell like fish.

Apparently, if the water breaks in bed, both husband and wife are so excited, they don't take care of all the water in bed.

And then, after several days in the hospital, the water soaks into the mattress.

Which...as the instructor put it...is one water you DON'T want seeping into your mattress.

So... I told my wife that for the last month of pregnancy, she's sleeping in the bathtub.

"Here's a pillow, hon...knock yourself out."

Then we had breathing exercises.

These were REALLY odd.

I've been hypnotized numerous times on stages of comedy clubs. And I could swear this lady was trying to hypnotize us.

We all sat on the floor with our eyes closed and tightened and loosened our muscles.

I was REALLY getting into it, because I love being hypnotized. It's soooo relaxing. I even have a self-hypnosis tape that I use quite often to lull myself to sleep or to just get rejuvenated throughout the day.

So I'm on the floor, looking like a marionette whose strings had been severed. My arms were all over the floor, my chin had hit my chest, and I was about to zonk out.

The instructor starts talking about breathing techniques, blah blah blah...and I'm just COMATOSE in my little area...chillin' like Bob Dylan.

I don't remember what she said that made me think it, but in my head, I started thinking..."I bet I was supposed to open my eyes already".

I slowly lift one eyelid up and peek around.

Sure as shit...everyone's staring at the instructor. I'm the only one who was still in La-La Land.

I'm used to only opening my eyes when the hypnotist tells me to. These people had obviously never been hypnotized or they would have been crashed out on the floor like me.

At that point, I decided not to trust the instructor anymore. If she said "close your eyes", I was going to be opening them every few seconds to make sure I didn't look like an idiot.

Or...you know...any bigger of an idiot than I already looked like...

We did some more breathing exercises. Some lady must have had a cold or something, because she sounded like a broken radiator hose on a '74 Impala. It was throwing off my concentration to the point where I just wanted to jump up and say "Hey, Big Bad Wolf!! Curb the huffin' and puffin' and blow the fucking door down already!"

...But of course...I didn't...

I can tell that by the end of this six week course, I'm going to be bored poopless.

***************************************

Sorry this is so short. But now you have more time to read other diaries!!

Aren't I just so damned thoughtful sometimes???

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