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07:23:49 - 2000-02-25

MY 12-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW SUCKS

Well ... I actually had to play Uncle Bob last night.

Susie gets home at 6 and says "Our nephew Adam is in a recital tonight."

Adam is our "quiet" nephew. Every now and then he gets a little rambunctious, but for the most part, the kid's as quiet as a church.

He reminds me a lot of me as a kid. He's husky with one FUCKED-UP haircut.

He (and his younger brother) have a head FULL of curls. These are curls that when you stretch them out, they're like eight inches long, but unstretched they're just huge springs all over their heads, which give off the impression that these are some pretty fat-headed fuckin' kids.

Imagine a five foot-tall, 150 lb. Kenny G. with all that hair piled on top of his head resembling an afro at the age of 12.

That's my nephew Adam.

Anyway ... he's a middle child which means he gets the short end of the stick on a lot of things. Susie feels sorry for him because nobody ever really cares what he's doing with his life.

Plus my brother-in-law forces him to do all this wimpy shit that he doesn't want to do.

Last night was his violin recital.

And the reviews are in ... It was awful.

The kid CLEARLY has no interest in playing the violin. He probably gets his fat ass tortured each and every day for playing the thing.

(SCENE: School playground during recess)

SCHOOL BULLY: "Hey ... here comes Adam, the violin playing jerkweed. Hey Adam ... come play me a lullaby."

ADAM: "What about my hair? Don't you want to make fun of my hair??"

SCHOOL BULLY: "Oh yeah...your hair makes you look like a fat mini-me Kenny G."

ADAM: "Do you want to try and smash my violin now?"

SCHOOL BULLY: (Confused) "Errr....why .... yes. That would be the next logical step."

ADAM: "Here you go."

(ADAM hands over the violin to the bully and walks away finally free of having to ever play it again)

Personally, I think playing the violin is cool IF the kid wants to play. Adam has said he doesn't like it in a roundabout way. He's left it behind on the bus like seven times. To me, that says he's trying to get rid of it. I did the same thing with this bar whore I was seeing back in the 80s. Left her passed out on several city buses. That whore kept finding her way back like a bad penny. But that's a whole other story for another time with a whole lot more liquor under my belt first.

One funny thing about my wife's family ... NONE of them have any serious musical talent, but each of them give music 110% effort. Her brother plays violin about as well as Adam, her mom and sister play the most godawful piano and Susie's singing sounds like someone trying to scrape their way out of a grave with a rusted fork.

Side note: One of the first Christmases Susie and I spent together, we went to her family's house and before long, everyone was gathered around the piano for a family singalong. It was the funniest damned thing I've ever witnessed. NOT ONE OF THEM could find a decent key to sing in. Grandma played the piano like a trained chicken. I've heard better harmonies out of two cats fucking. I finally had to leave and go outside where it was freezing so I could laugh my ass off at these cretins.

So anyway...last night's recital was short and relatively painless. Adam sat in the very back of the little orchestra where Susie couldn't see him.

"Where is he," she whispered, craning her neck to find him.

"Look for the hair," I whispered in her ear.

Sure as shit, you couldn't see him. But you could see a music stand with a huge afro and we both knew it was Adam.

I don't know if it meant anything to the kid to have us there to support him. We're only his aunt and uncle.

But...I'm the closest thing he's got to a normal family member. And I think the kid realizes that.

Now how sad is it when Uncle Bob is the most normal family member you have?

I dunno...I think it'd be cool to have you as my Uncle Bob ...

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