MY BABY'S NO EINSTEIN

Yo.

You know...it's gotten to the point in this diary where I can't remember what all I've talked about from my past.

I know I pretty much wore out my "first" sex stories early on in the diary. The reason I don't talk about my sex stories THESE DAYS is because I've been with the same woman for 14 years and quite frankly ... there's nothing to write about there.

So anyway....

I was once involved in an orgy with six Swedish women ... five tiiiinyJapanese fellers ...three french poodles and a partridge in a pear tree.

Okay ... not really.

I was going to write about how I always wanted to be a songwriter growing up...but damn...haven't I mentioned that by now??

I dunno. Look in the archives if you want the story. I ain't lookin' it up. I ain't yo' slave.

So yesterday ... since Andy loved his "Baby Mozart" videotape, we went out and found a copy of "Baby Einstein".

Wow.

Gotta have it.

Andy will love it.

So we buy this tape and take it home.

I fed the boy and he fell asleep on my chest, so we napped in the recliner for about an hour like that while Mom went to get her hair cut.

Got him up, changed his diaper...had him PERFECT in every way to settle down and watch "Baby Einstein". Fed, burped and changed. All three major check points were checked and ready to go.

I put him in his bouncy seat which is basically a posh massage recliner, with a D cell battery shaking that bitch like it was Jiffy Pop. Andy loves the damned thing. Some days it lulls him to sleep, other days he's stimulated by it.

He's weird that way.

So I put Baby Einstein in and prepare to watch my kid soak in seven different languages and spit them back out at me in a distinct and verbally correct recitation.

...Or at least spit out a little breast milk every now and then. Just to let me know he's still alive while staring intently on the television...

I'll tell ya what...right now, Andy is more a music man than a language man. I think the thing gave him the creeps.

It did ME anyway... I sat there thinking..."How in the world could my kid ever learn to count to 20 in Russian and why would I want him to?"

A) Repetition is the key to learning the languages. Kids pick up on this stuff at an early age. If he watches this video 500 times in one day, I get the feeling this kid's going to be splitting atoms by the age of five months.

B) I should WANT him to know how to speak in Russian, just so when I finally start throwing parties and drinking heavily again, I can force the kid to come and stand in front of all the guests and count to 20 in Russian. Then I kick his little butt and tell him to "Scamper off now, Scooter" and brag about my brainiac kid while trying not to fall into a lamp or something.

So anyway...he didn't like it on initial tryout. Maybe he was just fussy. I dunno.

That Andy.

Hoooo boy.

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I was trying to count the pop culture references included in "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas night.

For instance...two of George's friends are "Bert and Ernie". Those guys were the inspiration for the Muppets according to my asshole brother-in-law.

There's also a band...or there was a band named Zuzu's Petals, which is a reference to the movie.

And the way that everyone runs around greeting each other with "Hee-Haw"...well ... I'm wondering if that was the inspiration for "Hee Haw"??

I know...dumb question.

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Soooo...we watched all of "Magnolia" last night.

I liked it okay, but I was realllllly turned off by Tom Cruise's character. I realize the goal is to make him sleazy ... but Jeezum Crow... ewwwww.

So...what's with the frogs?

Anybody??

You there behind the monitor...the one with the pretty eyes...yes you...

What's with all the frogs??

I really need to know. It's bothering the shit outta me.

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We did some other "After Christmas" shopping yesterday so Susie could get out of the house.

We went to Michael's, a craft store. I decided yesterday that I hate craft stores. They're too overcrowded with cheap shit and I just can't get all worked up over a 50% off wreath sale. Sorry. That's just me.

I go along just to make her happy. It's her idea of "quality time".

We also went to Hallmark (see above). Hallmark is a step above craft stores though, because they have candles.

I'm always amazed by the technological leaps and bounds that scented candles have made over the last several years.

In my day, the only scents that candles came in were wax and burning flesh from drunks trying to hold their hands over a flame for two minutes.

"Time me, dude..."

So I stood in Hallmark yesterday and sniffed every single Yankee Candle in the store.

I was like a candle-sniffing pervert. I picked up the jar, opened the lid, took a big whiff and either grinned or grimaced.

I love them candles.

I'm a candle snortin' freak, I am.

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I really need to put the kibosh on this and start writing my recap of last week's "Ed" for Mighty Big TV. All the writers were given the week off essentially by the head honchos Sarah and Tara.

And the only time I had three hours to write the damned thing, was last night when I watched "Magnolia" with my wife.

So gotta go and get that done. Today's deadline day.

Audi.