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5:30 a.m. - 2001-05-17

IF I COULD PUT YOU ON TV, WOULD YOU LOVE ME TOO?

Ho.

Soooo...yesterday, the local zoo calls me up and wants me to come out and document a bunch of first graders planting trees at the zoo.

Gee willikers...sure does sound like fun to me!! Count me in!!

Oh...it's going to be 97 degrees outside at 1 p.m.??? ALL THE BETTER!!

Oh ... there's going to be TV crews there?? VOONDERBAR!!!

(That's German for "Wonderful" for those of you non-continental bastards out there. It's not spelled correctly, rather it's spelled phonetically. Deal with it.)

Y'see...whenever I do a story like this, the kids fuck me like a retarded prostitute and FLOCK to the TV cameras because "we're gonna be on TV!!!!"

Kids don't really give a shit about being in the newspaper...they wanna BE ON TV!!!!

Because kids don't read the newspaper...but they sure as shit WATCH TV!!!!

So I'm the red-headed stepchild in these situations. While the kids all mug for the TV cameras, they just act all pissy when it comes time for me to snap a few photos of them.

Last night I watched the news to see the footage shot at the zoo.

The kids were BARELY on TV. Most of the footage was an older guy's two hands, burrowing a hole in the ground to plant the tree.

Dumbass kids.

Meanwhile, the pics I took of them will live on for years and years in local libraries and grandparent's scrapbooks.

Kids just don't understand the media.

Fookin' kids.


I rented "Best In Show" yesterday which, in turn, helped me achieve my main goal yesterday, which was to rent "Best In Show".

I watched the first hour of it last night. I smiled like ... twice. It's not nearly as funny as I was hoping it'd be. Slightly amusing? Sure. Funny? No.

Maybe all the hilarity is saved for the last 30 minutes. I'll find out later this morning.


Susie actually read a little bit of this diary yesterday for the very first time.

She wasn't very impressed. The part she read was about the WOW! chips.

"Do you always write such nasty stuff?" she asked me.

I was a little embarrassed.

"Uhhhh...not always," I said. "But it's kinda what I'm known for."

She didn't know what to think. Like I said...she has NEVER even seen this page. She's weird that way. She doesn't read my newspaper columns, my diary, my "Ed" recaps ... nothing. I've never encouraged or discouraged her from reading any of it, but she's never shown any interest in any of it.

So when she finally DOES run across something I wrote, it's all about how my bowels are in an uproar over some potato chips.

Wow.

Thanks, God.


I spent most of yesterday morning writing a one-sheet for The Spicolis.

A one-sheet is a one paged ummmmm...bio of the band, but it's not really a bio. It's actually something the band sends out to club owners and anyone else that will hire them that kinda pumps them up and makes them sound really good.

These things are tough to write. I've written them for other bands before...bands I couldn't STAND. And I like the Spicolis.

But it's a lot of stuff like "These four talented musicians play with an elegant simplicity that solidifies their standing as America's number one party band."

That kinda stuff. Not..."These boys will eat your ass alive with guitar solos."

I actually came up with some pretty good lines in the one sheet, which I would share with you here, but it's all on my computer at the office, so I can't.

So quit asking.

Anyway...gotta finish that today since I promised Brian (the one on the left in this picture)that I'd have it for him sometime in May.

By the way...the infamous Mattie Gee is third from the left in the same photo. Now you know what the dipshit looks like.

Hey...this will be fun...everyone go to The Spicolis page and sign their guestbook saying "Uncle Bob sent me. You guys probably rock". I know Mattie Gee checks that guestbook with alarming frequency and it'd be an amusing prank for me to play on him.

So do it.

Pulllllllllease???

It's free you know. Don't have to pay nothin.

ANNNND ... you can download some amazing Spicolis MP3s while yer there.

See? It'd be cool.

So check them out and freak Mattie Gee out with guestbook signings.

I want AT LEAST 100 of you to sign the guestbook today.

That's one out of five of you.

Get to work, soldiers.

That's what being in the army is all about.

Internet pranks for my own amusement.

DO IT!!!


No "Survivor" tonight. I'm kinda relieved. Now we get to see Chandler and Stringbean McHeroin-Addict get married.


That's about all the news I have for ya's. I'm going to go watch "The Book of Pooh" with the young'un.

Adios, suckah MCs.

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