RANDOM THOUGHTS

(That's the extent of my HTML knowledge)

* I'm so glad I've never had a hemmerhoid.

* It's a good thing I never got addicted to chalk.

* I really don't miss my mother's milk as much as I originally thought I would.

* I wear a smokers patch. I don't smoke ... I just think I'm one of the few who looks cool sporting the patch.

* If there were some way we could teach stray dogs to make change for a dollar and unload boxes, we'd be able to open a shitload more Walmarts in this world.

* I always thought a good name for a band would be Hot Bunny Vomit. I could just never get a single band member to agree with me.

* I wish there were a way to relieve this painful itching and swelling in my ass.

* There are very few scents that can bring back memories for me quite like the smell of stale bong water.

* I once had an alter ego -- "Uncle Buddy The World's Most Dangerous Clown". I did birthday parties and taught kids how to play with matches and stuff like that. The parents loved it. Then again ... the parents were a buncha burnouts who enjoyed me much more than the kids.

* So now I wanna be known as "Uncle Bob...The World's Most Dangerous Uncle". So humor me. That's what you call me from here on out or I walk right now.

* I don't care what doctors say...if I ever get to the point where I can't control my bowels, than by God...sew my ass up.

* Whenever I meet people for the first time and they say, "Don't I know you?" I like to say "I used to play Dr. Conrad Bloom on 'General Hospital'." And then they ALWAYS freak out and want my autograph and shit. And I always sign it "Dear Whoever, You're The Most Giant Stupid Fuck Pig I've Ever Met. Love, Dr. Conrad Fuckin' Bloom"

* Smell my fingers and tell me...doesn't that smell like dog shit to you??

* My wife is laying in bed right now and won't quit coughing. Should I tighten the noose some more??

* When I was a kid and would break something of my moms and she would ask me "Who did this?" I always told her God did. Because, in my angelic little mind... how could she possibly get mad at God?? And if God lives within me, then it's always a distinct possibility that it could have been Him that kicked the television screen in.

* I wonder if deaf mutes can have Tourette's Syndrome? I would imagine "Eat my goddamned shit you piece of ass whore fuck dog fuck dog fuck dog" would take a lot out of a person if having to be conveyed in sign language.

* I've almost mastered my Barry White impression. When it makes the hairs on my balls stand on end, I'll know I've got it.

* I once had a job writing horoscopes. No lie. Ain't that some shit? This dipshit writing horoscopes. That's a whole 'nother column though.

* I've discovered one thing...sex sells in Diaryland.

* But if you can reel them in with the sex, you stand a decent chance at keeping them through an entire "Random Thoughts" column.

* Ain't that Fascifuckinating?

Your Pal,

Bawb

UNCLE BOB'S HOUSE OF FUN

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