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12:58 p.m. - 2001-08-20

SHARKS ARE OUR FRIENDS...YOU KNOW...IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HUMAN FRIENDS...

Soooo....a couple more people got chomped on down in Florida this weekend, huh?

Gosh...what does that bring us up to...THE ENTIRE FUCKING POPULATION OF FLORIDA NOW BITTEN BY SHARKS?!?

I don't mean to sound like Roy Scheidner from "Jaws" here...but isn't it time we shut the beaches down, Mayor??

These sharks are just sitting in the waters, playing Shark Poker or whatever the hell it is they do when they're just waiting for their next victim. Then, as soon as somebody steps into the water, they draw straws to decide who gets to eat the person first. Whoever wins then gets to swim over and chomp the living shit outta whoever was stupid enough to venture into the water.

Isn't that how this works??

I live three hours from the beach. You can bet your sweet ASS I won't be going anywhere near the beaches anytime soon. Hell, while you're placing bets, you can be pretty damned sure I won't be getting into any pools either because them sharks...dey be some tricky SOB's. Dey can figure out how to get in your pool.

I was watching the Today show and some surfer dude who had his ankle chomped off said he didn't blame the sharks because he was screwing around in the shark's house and the shark was defending himself and his home.

Whoa, surfer dude. Put the bong down and listen up, Skipper. DON'T give the sharks more credit than they deserve here. These are MAN-EATING SHARKS we're talking about here. Not the elderly woman that lives next door who makes you some fresh lemondade while you're out mowing your yard who decides she wants to just tear into your ankle because she's craving some surfer dude ankle meat.

And I keep hearing that these shark attacks are on par as being the norm for shark attack statistics. Something like 50 people a year get bitten by sharks, it's just that this year the media has jumped on the story because the President hasn't poked an intern yet and there's nothing else to report.

I mean, c'mon...Chandra Levy?? Who cares anymore? Her story doesn't share the same bloodlust that man-eating killer sharks does. I mean...Chandra was a man-eater alright. Just ask Gary Condit.

WHOOOOAAAAA!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!

Thanks folks...I'll be here all week...

And what about this 15 year-old dweeb...this 6'4", 250-lb goofball that got on a raft AT FUCKING NIGHT and accidently got carried away from the current and ended up 10 miles offshore where he was found 14 hours later.

First off...if you've seen pictures of the kid, you'll understand how it happened. He looks like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family with a lobotomy. This kid has met doorknobs smarter than he is.

As if all these people getting eaten by sharks wasn't enough reason to stay out of the water, this moron goes out AT NIGHT when you can't see the sharks coming.

Can I just say...Holy fucking shit??

I mean, C'MON YOU MORON...NOBODY is that stupid, are they??

Apparently they are.

The kid was kinda pissed that he yelled for help and there were people on the beach but they didn't help him.

Well duh, you big dumb gorilla. Like I've said before, I don't care if my baby boy was floating off to sea on a flimsy plastic raft...it's nighttime and there's sharks out there ready to eat. I'd be all like "Sorry kid...but Law and Order's about to come on!" if I heard the dumb bastard calling for help.

He knew all along he'd be saved. That's how fucking ignorant this kid is. It never dawned on him that he was about to die...he said he even saw sharks swimming below him (which I think is total bullshit...c'mon he's 15...he's stupid...he's exaggerating here to impress Katie Couric). Finally, two guys on a sailboat see the kid and rescue him.

So the kid's on the Today Show. The sailors are on the Today Show. Katie asks the kid if he has anything to say to the guys who SAVED HIS FUCKING LIFE.

And the kid says something along the lines of "Nice boat, guys."

AND THAT, my friend, is the trouble with youth today.

They think that they're invincible. This kid NEVER THOUGHT that he was going to die. More than likely, he was pissed that these sailors picked him up and not the Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Team that tracked his dumb ass down.

If it had been ME accidently sailing out to sea on a $1.99 raft for 14 hours and Katie Couric asked ME what I had to say to these guys, I woulda been offering them free blow jobs for life on national television.

This kid's all like "...whatever".

Somebody needs to smack that human walrus in the back of the head and see if that might jumpstart his pea-sized brain.

...Dumbass...


I've gotta get back to work.

A coffee table book writer's job is never done.

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