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5:50 a.m. - 2001-11-07

Oh hey...how are ya?

I didn't expect YOU here this early. You're not normally here this early are you? I haven't cleaned up or anything...geez...I'm such a slacker.

...Sorry...been watching too much "Bear In The Big Blue House" with Andy. Every episode, he starts it off by welcoming the kids into his house, sniffing them and telling them what they smell like (Andy's favorite part...he squeals when the Bear's nose gets right in the camera) and then he makes small talk with them.

Just like I just did? Pretty neato, huh?

...Yeah...don't answer that.

I'm waiting for the day that Bear says "What's that smell? It smells like...somebody just dumped a load in their diaper!"

...Because at that point, he'd be talking about Andy. Usually he says the kids smell like strawberries or toothpaste or milk or something. Which Andy never smells like. But just once...if Bear would say the kids smell like heaping, steaming piles of dung, then Andy would feel like he was part of the in crowd.

The kids that shit their pants crowd.

My boy would be cool, if Bear would just proclaim it to be.

Sadly, I don't see that happening anytime soon.


So...for the first time ever, I watched 20 minutes of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer".

Did you guys know that show's a freakin' musical???

I thought it was some kinda show where this really hot chick killed vampires and shit...but no. It was like a really bad update of "Grease".

I watched the first 20 minutes and realized that everyone and their mother had lied to me about the show, so I turned it off.

Actually, I drove a wooden stake through my television screen. Just to make sure that shit never appears on my TV again.

Sheesh.


Oh.

Gulp.

Boy, is my face red.

Y'see...a couple of days ago, I found it fitting to bitch about some hate mail that I had been receiving concerning my picking on a heavy character in my recaps for the show "Ed".

So last night I get on the computer and I have another email from a lady who had emailed me previously.

Here's the email in its entirety...

Jimmy-

I guess I wasn't the only Uncle Bob follower that was complaining you are too hard on "Molly." I so appreciate you making note of it....and making fun of us "Molly" fans. I love you and your recaps, but I love Lesley/"Molly" more and would hate to see her hurt..... because you have to admit, she's doing a great job this season. And while I'm bitching.......Bonnie Hane is not the devil!! Actually, she is, but since the character was named after me (I'm serious), I have to defend her.

Keep writing! You brighten my day!

Bonnie Zane

(the original Casting Director on "Ed"....defending my actors to the death!)

Can you say ... "Gulp"?

I know of other MBTV writers getting emails from the people behind the shows that they recap.

But never...EEEEEEEVER did I think that anybody from "Ed" was actually reading my stuff.

Maybe now they can get me a job on Letterman's show as a writer.

No! Wait! As a tap-dancing writer.

NO! WAIT! As a fire-breathing, tap-dancing writer!

Not that I can breathe fire or tap dance. But I can sure as hell lie on a resume, dude. Ain't no law against doing that.

I feel like I'm being sent to the principal's office now. I have to explain my actions for picking on fat people and then picking on the people who are upset that I pick on fat people including the damned casting director of the show.

HOWEVER...if she's the casting director, then she will surely understand my reasoning that the fat girl on the show is only there as the hot sexy thin girl's stereotypical fat friend with a great personality who never gets the man.

ANNNNND...she should understand that since my job is to be a mean-spirited smartass when recapping the show, that I am having to try and find little things in the show that I can make fun of.

ANNNNND...since the show is one of my favorite shows, there's very little that I can find each week that is worthy of making fun of. It's a great show...it's funny, it's touching, it's brilliantly cast...

Oops.

For a second there, I thought I was already emailing the lady.

Anyway...it's time to defend myself in a court of law.

Or at least a court of email.

Whatever.


I've gotta go have blood work done today.

I hate when the nurses and doctors call it "blood work".

It's not "blood work". It's you jabbing a needle in my arm and sucking blood out. The only "work" involved is me struggling to be macho about it and not scream like a little girl when I see the syringe.

Actually, I've had so much "blood work" done in the last two months that I'm almost getting used to it.

ALMOST.

I'm still not about to watch them do it. I always casually look away...as if I'm studying the pattern of the wallpaper or something. Kinda like "Oh! You're sticking me already! I'll be darned! I was just checking these stripes out! I didn't know you'd be sticking me so soon!"

While inside I'm screaming "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!OH HOLY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!!I'M DYING HERE!!!!JESUS, HOW LONG IS THAT NEEDLE?!?!YOU'RE KILLING MEEEEEEEEE!!!"

I must maintain my cool aura that I carry with me into every doctor's office.

I must.


I think I turned down the Editor's job at my office yesterday to remain a writer.

It was a tough decision until Wendi started telling me the horror stories involved with editing something wrong.

Because editors are one of the final people to see the product before it's printed. It's up to them to spot EVERYTHING that's wrong.

Meanwhile, I crank out the original product and give it to them. It's their job to correct my mistakes. I can make all the mistakes in the world, and it's NOT MY FAULT when they show up in the book...that's the editor's fault.

Granted...if I make too many mistakes, I'm sure I'll be out on the street, picking spare change outta vending machines to buy my baby strained carrots.

But the stress is slightly less as a writer than it is as an editor.

So writing's going to be my bag for a while longer.


Speaking of which...the baby's crying.

Okay...we weren't really speaking of the baby...I've just gotta go.

Talk at ya later, gators.

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