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10:35:28 - 2001-02-22

WAITRESS...WOULD YOU MIND SPITTING ON MY BABY PLEASE?

Wow ... I spent 30 minutes this morning trying to log into Diaryland ... I open up Netscape and BOOM! I'm in here.

Go Netscape. Even though I never use you as a browser, you came through this morning and for that you deserve a hug.

(Uncle Bob hugs Netscape and fondles its fine Netscapey ass)

So anyway ...


What is the best way for a baby to catch a cold?

A) Leave it outside in cold weather with no clothes on for two days?

B) Let people with colds breathe all over it?

C) Take it to O'Charley's restaurant where every goddamned waitress wants to come up and touch its hands and face and coo all over it and say "I have a four month old baby at home who has a bad cold right now. Your baby is SOOOO cute!" while rubbing their germs all over the damned baby?

If you guessed "C", you're not only correct but you just guessed how a portion of my evening went last night.

So we go to O'Charley's. Andy's getting the sniffles again...it's that damned day care, I just know it.

...rabble scrabble day care...

Anyway ... we hadn't been to O'Charley's in ten years. The last time we went, we had a pretty bad dining experience that never got past the drinks. Basically, the wait staff forgot about us. They brought us drinks and salads...but no silverware. Every time I tried to wave our waiter down, he turned the other way...blah blah blah...

Have I told this story here recently? Maybe I just told it at work. Maybe I'm getting senile. Maybe baby, I'll have you-ou-ou.

ANYGODDAMNWAY, we get our food last night and we're eating when a girl who we JUST SAW WIPE A TABLE DOWN WITH ONE OF THOSE GERM-CARRYING TOWELS comes over to the table and starts gushing about how cute Andy is, sitting in his car seat.

She puts her finger out and naturally, Andy grabs it and holds on for dear life. That's what little babies do. It's one of the few joys in their lives.

"Ohhhhh...he's so strong...let go, let go," she says, as if she's going to get a tip for playing with our kid.

Okay ... even though I'm a cantankerous bastard in this diary, in real life I'm a very polite, soft-spoken person when things like this happen. As much as I wanted to say "GET YOUR NASTY, TABLE CLEANING HANDS OFF MY BORDERLINE SICK BABY, YOU IMBECILE!!!!" I just said "Yes, he's strong."

She asked his name. I said "Fonzie". She took me seriously. Susie almost spit out her smashed potato.

FINALLY, he lets go of her finger and she tells us about her sick kid.

That she's harboring germs for.

God.

Maybe I'm just being an overprotective parent (Geee....ya THINK?!?), but right now, I'd rather that people who are cleaning off tables kinda admire my boy from afar and don't get in his face and get their germs all over his hands which he instinctively shoves into his mouth immediately afterwards.

Gawd.


The funeral yesterday went as well as planned.

We got there too late to see the woman, as the casket was closed by the time we walked in.

As much as I wanted to start asking people "What did she look like?" I thought it might be best to just keep quiet.

So I went to someone's funeral that I had no idea who it was, even though I was supposed to.

Fun, fun, fun.

One lady would NOT quit crying. I can understand grief ... I was the same way when they cancelled "Married With Children". But this lady was crying like someone was dipping her foot in flames.

Finally, I whispered to Susie, "Who the hell is that woman and why won't she quit crying?"

It was one of her daughters.

Obviously ... the sensitive one. Because the others were all very stoic and shedding tears ... but QUIETLY. This woman was a basket case.

Her mom was 86 years old. She lived a full life with the last several years in chronic pain. Trust Uncle Bob ... she's in a better place now.

Now quit yer crying or I'll give you something to cry about, Missy.

All in all, a very somber experience. I woulda much rather been drunk in a bar, shoving dollar bills into G-strings.


I'm thinking of coming up with a new motto for this diary.

Well...I've actually already came up with one.

"Jesus Christ, people ... it's just a joke."

I'd like to use that as both a disclaimer and an email retort to those who take Uncle Bob wayyyyy more seriously than I intend it to be.

Sooo...the next time you read something here and start firing up your emailing skills, remember...

Jesus Christ, people...it's just a joke.


You know who I do a good impression of?

That friend of Hank Hill's on "King Of The Hill" who has sunglasses and whose wife is always cheating on him.

I have no idea of his name. I don't watch the show that faithfully.

But I've been mimicing him for the last several days while in the privacy of my own automobile.

Just thought you might need to know that.


Today I have lunch with my veterinarian and ... OH!! SPEAKING OF WHICH ...Maggie had her space helmet removed yesterday, so she's back to being a normal dog with really bad gas.

The vet said to make sure she doesn't eat the stitches out of her ass again. I'm doing my best to keep an eye on her, but I'm not here 24-7. I bet as soon as I shut that front door this morning, she's gonna be rooting on that ass like a beaver building a dam.

Anyway...having lunch with the vet who also happens to be the president of the local chapter of the American Cancer Society. He's going to give me a bunch of ideas on how to run my campaign for Biggest Rat in Town.

He raised $42,000 a few years ago and is the top fund raiser of all time.

So he should have some pretty good pointers for me.

I hope anyway. I feel weird having lunch with him. The only way we really know each other is through my dog. He's a big fan of my column and is constantly saying things like "Remember that column where you got lost at the mall and had to have information page your wife?"

Things like that. Folks ... I DON'T remember what I wrote five minutes after I wrote it. It's safe to say that I don't remember columns from years past.

Anyway...lunch with him today. I'm buying.

Go me.


We're getting pics of Andy done tonite at a professional studio owned by a lady at church.

He's not feeling well lately. I sure hope he does a good job and smiles a lot.

That's a big fear of mine. The kid not smiling for pictures.

Hopefully, it will go smooth.


Finally...the Grammys last night.

I saw most of them...missed the first hour or so.

Jon Stewart was a lousy host from what I saw. I never thought he'd be as lousy as he was, since I genuinely like the guy. Many times, he sounded like a politician running for office than a host.

And Steely Dan winning Album of the Year??? Where the hell did that come from...LEFT FIELD???

I was rooting for Radiohead, since it's the only album I actually owned out of the five nominees. I knew they wouldn't win, but it was worth a try.

I was shocked it wasn't Eminem or Paul Simon, as was anyone else who had been watching the show with any scrutiny.

But Steely Dan?? Hell...even THEY were shocked.

And U2 winning Song of the Year and Record of the Year for "Beautiful Day"?? I dunno...I love U2 but I thought that song was incredibly suckalicious. So did Bono who said it doesn't have a hook and it's got a weak chorus.

Ditto, Bono, ditto.

Christina Aguliera ... speak English dear. I can't understand you when you speak Spanish. She could have been singing "Uncle Bob is my ten inch man" and I had no idea, because she was speaking in Pig Latin.

Jesus Christ, people...it's just a joke.

Gotta go walk the dog, sans space helmet. The other dogs won't bark at her now.

Space Pooch and Fat Boy...over and out.


MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

U2: "God Part II"

I was trying to think of a worthy U2 download that is a bit better than "Beautiful Day". "God Part II" is one of my favorites. The "Metal Mix" of the song rocks as well.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!


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