YET ANOTHER GRIPPING TALE ABOUT MY TESTICLES

My balls are killing me.

I know, I know...that's probably the LAST thing ANY OF YOU ever wanted to read in this space.

But dammit all to hell...it's the truth.

It started on Saturday, when we were helping Susie's friend Julie pack up her house and move.

Susie and I were wrapping pictures and I decided to sit down on a chair while she wrapped.

I don't really understand the physics of the whole ordeal, but somehow ... I sat on my balls.

You women may be thinking that men ALWAYS sit on their balls. This is NOT true. Our balls usually rest wherever they can find a spot. Mine are currently between my thighs, minding their own business.

But on Saturday, my magic marbles cruised south and somehow wound up becoming a cushion on the chair for my ass.

...That's the only way I can describe it.

It hurt like hell at the time. I couldn't really say what I wanted to say because I was in a houseful of women, a closet homosexual and Paul.

Here's three things I wanted to say:

(1)"Holy shit!!! I just sat on my balls!!!"

(2)"I think I'm going to be sick...I just crushed my nuts."

(3)"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"

But...what came out was a soft "ooof" and a look of extreme discomfort on my face.

"What's wrong," Susie asked.

"I just sat on my balls," I replied.

Susie tried to show compassion, but let's face it...she has no balls so she didn't really know the pain I was experiencing.

Then again...this was the first time I had ever sat on my balls. I wouldn't have been able to relate if another guy had just done it either.

I didn't mention the ball episode in yesterday's update because at the time...they weren't sore.

In church yesterday, I did it again.

The congregation had stood up to "meet and greet their neighbors" which is always a stupid part of church to me because I always sit near the same people and we had already meeted and greeted before church started. So I just stand there and wait for people to come out of their seats and come running across the church to shake my hand.

Believe me...it happens.

We're all sitting back down and once again...I sit on my balls.

Here's the three things I wanted to say upon crushing my balls twice in a 24-hour period.

(1)"Ooops...I did it again."

(2)"Holy shit...did that ever hurt."

(3)"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!"

But once again...we were in mixed company and I had to just grunt and moan for an hour instead of expressing my discomfort in other, more colorful ways.

As yesterday progressed, my balls hurt more and more.

Susie wanted sex yesterday. She was adamant about it.

"Let's have sex," she would say, tugging at my penis.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!," I would bellow. "My genitals are out of commission today."

She pouted.

So I evened the score by kicking her in the crotch.

Well...not really...but I wanted to.

This morning...for those of you still with me...my balls are tender.

I hope no permanent damage has been done. I'm no doctor, but I think it's like a ball sprain or something.

...I'll keep you informed...

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Well, I finally bought two new pillows yesterday.

And guess what...NO HEADACHES THIS MORNING!!!

Woot! Woot!

Suze and I went to Walmart. I have mixed emotions about Walmart. If it's super crowded, I hate it. But if there's nobody there, I love it.

And if Suze is in the mood to spend lotsa money on crap, it's PARADISE.

So I got two new pillows...some new boxers, some beef jerky, some auto freshener clip ons, and a sun shield for my windshield.

I looked for Painful Ball Ointment, but there was none.

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Tonight, we start our birthing classes.

Lamaze to be exact.

You'll receive a full report tomorrow, I'm sure.

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One sad note from yesterday.

Actually...it goes back to Thursday night/Friday morning.

A group of three 20-year-olds were racing down one of our highways, going over 100 mph when the car skidded and went airborne, ejecting all three passengers out of the car and into some woods.

Two of the passengers were killed on impact.

The third, who lived, was a good friend of the family.

But it doesn't look good for her. She was put into a coma so she could rest, her brain is being drained and if she does manage to survive, she will probably be a vegetable at best.

I've got to admit, I haven't seen this girl in a while. She was 8 years old when Susie and I got married and she was at our wedding.

She's 20 now.

From all accounts, she's a beautiful girl...model material. Very smart and community-oriented.

The male in the car was driving, drunk out of his mind. All three had been at a local bar...how they got in and got served is beyond me...all being only 20.

Kids...one final warning...don't drink and drive.

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ELDERLY WALKING COUPLE CONVERSATION FROM YESTERDAY:

OLD MAN: "Not too many cars out here this morning."

ME: "Yep."

OLD MAN: "Everyone must be sleeping in."

ME: "Whatever you say."

(I'm beginning to get cocky with him. I'm blaming it on my puffy and swollen scrotum.)

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