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5:48 a.m. - 2001-08-09

I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER AND FRIES AND A TYLENOL COCKTAIL FOR MY BOY

I love my son.

Uh-huh.

He slept through the night.

After receiving some advice on the Message Board from Trinity 63 and What A Woman, we loaded the kid up with drugs before he went to bed.

He was so high he made Robert Downey Jr. look like Mother Teresa when he finally passed out.

But, in our defense, we took every precaution with the kid. We fed him at 8:30 and he ate three jars of food, cereal and nursed. We bathed him and rubbed him down with soothing sleep lotion or whatever the hell that Johnson and Johnson crap is called. Then...the Tylenol, the Orajel and for good measure, some ear drops, since they numb any pain in his ears.

That kid should sleep 'til next Tuesday after all that.

I DO like him so much better when he's slept all night.

Sleepless nights make me one cranky bastard. And like father, like son...that kid was a cranky machine as well yesterday.

But...that was at daycare. Hey kid...act up all you want at daycare. That's what we're paying the lady for.

Innyway....


So yesterday, my evil boss with a heart of gold Wendi has an assignment for me.

She wanted me to write captions for the photos in the local book that we're doing.

I gulped.

Writing picture captions and headlines are my downfall. I can write a fairly eloquent story ... but when it comes time to write captions, they usually come out like "Children like dogs" or "It's really fucking hot here in the summertime" or "Flags are good."

I just completely suck at this.

So Edweird gets me all the pictures that I'll be writing captions for and I start cranking them out.

Kids playing Little League softball?? "Youth sports are popular in Montgomery".

A family pushing a baby stroller?? "The climate in Montgomery is perfect for pushing babies around in strollers."

A photo of the state capitol? "The State Capitol is downtown on a big hill."

Photo captions are my kryptonite. I become paralyzed when I have to write them and end up coming off like a simple minded jackass.

So I did three chapters worth, printed them out and took them to Wendi's office, asking if these would be okay.

She said she would look at them.

Thirty minutes later, she walks into my office and my captions now have more red ink on them than a Pentagon document.

Apparently, Wendi was looking for something....oh, I dunno...something morrre .... better??

Actually, she said they were good (I think she thinks I own a gun and will shoot the place up if my work is critiqued) but they need more detail to them.

So I've gotta go in this morning and crank out some more detailed captions.

"The State Capitol is strategically located downtown on a large, grassy hill overlooking people walking into the State Capitol which is used to conduct state business by politicians who admire the State Capitol's landscape, especially the large grassy hill that the State Capitol rests upon."

Better??


For those of you who took offense at my rant yesterday about Yankees bitching over the heat...

I was born and raised in Peoria, Illinois. I KNOW what a cold winter is all about.

I am a transplanted Yankee and have lived in the south for almost 30 years off and on.

I will take a cold Northern winter over a hot Southern summer any day of the week.

And anyway...I was bitching about newscasters, not your average Joe Diary reader on the street.

Gawd.

Sensitive batch of fuckers, ain't ya?


Tried to watch "Six Feet Under" again last night.

Once again, I was bored shitless before the opening credits were through.

Tried to watch that "Wayne Brady Show" as well. Susie likes that guy, but then again she likes that show "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

I hate that show.

Actually, now I can say I hate both shows, just to clear up any miscommunications.

Improv comedy to me is just not funny. I was doing a show on New Years Eve one year, and after the headliner was through with his set, he called us other two comedians back on stage.

I thought we were going to toast in the new year.

Nope. He wanted to do Improv.

This was my first and only time at doing improv. It seemed like it'd be something fun to try so we gave it a whirl.

I remember I was supposed to be a gay bank robber at one point. I made up some crap that I was robbing the bank to get a sex change so I'd look more like Loni Anderson.

That cracked the audience UP. They laughed harder at that than anything else I had said in my whole act.

Afterwards, the headlining comedian let us in on a secret....audiences LOVE improv because they can't believe that you can say something halfway funny off the top of your head like that. They think you're a comedic genius if you do Improv.

Then again, the audiences are usually drunk as hell at the end of the night and will laugh at damned near anything.

Especially New Year's Night.

Anyway...Wayne Brady's show sucks. He's probably a very talented man.

But he's not allowed on my TV screen anymore.

...Unless he does a gay bank robber skit. Then I'll be sure to tune in.


Baby Andy's awake...it's time for me to go praise him for sleeping all night.

The kid probably thinks he's at Woodstock or something.

Drugged up babies are the most fun things in the world.

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