HAPPY NUDE YEAR! (I'M SUCH A PUNSTER!)

One day of vacation left.

Oh yeah...Happy New Year. Hope you're all still alive. Christ knows I need the hits.

So anyway...one day of vacation left. This completely sucks. The worst part about having a vacation is when it ends. I get this sense of despair, a feeling of emptiness and a lump in my throat.

Then again ... that lump in my throat may be vomit. I actually got brave and tried some of Grandma's cooking last night. I guess since I did so many stupid things in 2001, may as well end it on a high note with one of the stupider things I could think of doing.

Hence...eating Grandma's "barbecue".

Personally... it tasted like stray cat to me.

Anyway...today's my last day of vacation. Tomorrow they warm up the grindstone and my nose is forced upon it until it's raw and bloody.

My nose. Not the grindstone.

God. How much did you drink last night? Follow me here, Peter Pan.

ALTHOUGH...I may actually get one more day of vacation.

Y'see...the weather guys in our city are all giddy because...hold onto your horses...they are PROMISING that we'll get between two and four inches of snow today, tonight and tomorrow.

That may not sound like much to people in Buffalo. But here in south central Alabama...2-4 inches of snow will send us into a dizzying tizzy as we wander around in confused circles like New Yorkers on September 11th.

It's really strange. But keep in mind...the last time we had snow fall that actually accumulated was eight years ago ... sorry...NINE years ago (g-damned 2002). We got two inches and it was officially declared a "blizzard".

So if we get two inches here...chances are good that everyone will be asked to stay home and off the roads. And make hot cocoa and roast marshmallows. And read "The Night Before Christmas" and go outside and make slushy snow angels. And Jimmy Stewart will probably come running through the town, yelling about how he's such a lucky man, blah blah blah.

Cut us some slack, Jimmy Stewart. You're dead, man.

Soooo...it'd be nice to be snowed in for another day.

You know...if my in-laws weren't here.

Which...they are.

However...it's still just my sister-in-law and her husband. No kids have come into my house yet. There have been no dinners served here...Grandma's handled all that. However...like I said earlier...Grandma's budget is limited and when she has to feed 19 people each night, she's gotta stretch the menu somewhat. Which would probably explain the piles of bloody cat skins on her back porch.

The boys from Texas REALLY want to come over here. They're bored to tears at Grandma's house. She has three movies on video...no Play Station...no games or toys...no cable TV ... no central heat or air...no furniture...no indoor plumbing...no real food...and no pride or dignity.

The oldest one...the one who's now a father and doesn't really realize it yet...cornered me last night and said in a desperate tone "You've got to get us out of here."

I just laughed. Like I told Susie...they don't want to come over here to see and be with "me"...they want to play with all my stuff.

But when they play...they fight. It's all "MY TURN!!!", "GO TO HELL, IT'S MY TURN!!!", "EAT MY DISEASED ASS, IT'S MY TURN!!!", "SUCK MY RUNNY SHIT, IT'S MY TURN!!!"

You know. And an Uncle can only take so much of that crap.

They MAY be allowed over here today. But...and as I pointed out to my nephew...this is kind of tough. Because they stay up until 3-4 a.m. and sleep until noon or 1 p.m. Then it takes them an hour or so to eat breakfast. Then they have to call us and we have to take two vans over to Grandma's on the other side of town, load them all up and bring them all over here. So by the time they get here, it's 3-4 p.m. Then we have to turn around and go back to Grandma's for dinner at 5. So it's hardly worth all that so that these guys can come over here, try to break my Play Station game, yell, scream, spill cokes on my carpet and wait for me to leave the house so they can scamper off to the computer and download porn.

It's just not worth it.

Oh...and Susie said that Grandma's starting to crack under the stress of cooking for 19 people every night, which I find amusing. She was so quick to heap that responsibility on us, thinking she was just going to have a great little holiday season, come over to our house every night and have dinner and enjoy her grandkids.

Now she's stuck in a kitchen all day and spending her social security checks on potted meat to fry up, pour barbecue sauce on it and call it barbecue.

Heh.

Right back at'cha, Granny.

Andrew fell down and hit his head on Grandma's coffee table last night. He'll probably have a good sized lump on his head this morning from the tumble.

The trouble is...he has no room to move around in when we go there. Take your average apartment, shove 19 people in there on one couch and two chairs with no crawling room whatsoever because most people are piled onto the floor and the kid gets vertigo.

So, I told Susie that Andrew and I wouldn't be attending Grandma's nightly "dinners" for the rest of the week. Everyone has seen us, everyone knows what we look like, we don't add or subtract anything to the dynamic of the family, so we'll just sit it out and stay home.

Susie agreed and said she probably wouldn't be going either.

Yay.

All you teens out there...one more word of advice...DON'T GET PREGNANT!

Gawd...watching my nephew, his girlfriend and their baby...it's truly a sad, sad sight.

Their lives are over and they're not even mature yet. The mother would rather play with her Game Boy then feed the baby and lets everyone else feed him.

My nephew totally ignores the kid. Last night, the only time I saw him hold him, the baby was crying and my nephew was saying "Dylan! What's wrong?!? Why are you crying?!? Mom, why's he crying?"

Susie's sister, without a word, walked over to her son, took her grandbaby out of his arms and began soothing him.

She said herself that her son and his girlfriend was not ready to raise a child. They treat him as if he's a toy, they play with him for a while and then when he gets fussy, they hand him over to whoever will take him.

It's a really sad thing. But they know nothing about children. I'm sure they love the kid, but they barely love each other.

The mother was asking my nephew to give her a back rub last night. My nephew kept telling her to "shut up" and that he wasn't going to rub her back.

My other nephew who is 17 and the mother's age, was recruited to give the back rub. His brother, the daddy, didn't care or pay attention.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. The older brother pays the mother no attention, while the younger one is more than happy to give her attention.

It's enough to give you the creeps watching it.

Susie and I talked about it last night when we came home. We both agreed that it's really sad watching them. Her sister admits the kids have not only ruined their lives with this child, but they're ruining the entire family who have picked up the responsibility of raising this child.

My suggestion?

Give the new Mom and Dad six months to get enough money to move out on their own. They're NEVER going to be parents if they don't HAVE to be parents. Susie's sister says that she's the one who gets up in the middle of the night to give the baby a bottle. That's just wrong. And as long as this little family is allowed to live with the big family, it's never going to change.

Oh. Heh...

The new Mommy and Daddy are apparently sleeping in the same room together after all. I think I originally reported that they weren't allowed to sleep together in the family's house because they're young and unmarried which I found amusing since they're the parents of a child.

Well, Susie told me that they are both sleeping in the Daddy's room.

But they're NOT having sex.

How does Susie's sister know this??

...Because they sleep in bunk beds.

Heh.

With that kind of reasoning, is it any wonder that these kids are in the predicament that they're in?

I bought an HP Photo Printer for my new digital camera yesterday.

It is so cool to print out the pics from my camera. It does a pretty good job too.

Now I can take nude photos of my wife, print them out and whack it any time I want.

You know...if I actually WANTED nude pictures of my wife.

I've been with her for 16 years.

I'm more into pictures of the shed in my back yard.

So hey...have a good new year, peeps.

My resolutions are simple...stay on my diet (I gained half a pound over the last two weeks. And I'll admit...I've strayed a few times in the last few weeks and ate some things I shouldn't have, so half a pound is great to me), and begin taking my job more seriously and do the best possible job that I'm capable of doing.

God.

I've gotta go back to work tomorrow.

One day of vacation left.