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7:18 a.m. - 2002-01-05


A quick one.

No. Really. I promise. A quickie. Quickies are good sometimes.

Got my Twin Peaks pilot DVD in the mail yesterday from Hong Kong. As the Hong Kongians like to say, "IT LOCKS LIKE FLIED LICE!"

So I'd really like to get around to watching that before the Mrs. and Junior get up.

Last night was date night for me and the Mrs.

We went to Mellow Mushroom for dinner. If ever a restaurant had a "stoned" feel to it, the Mellow Mushroom has it.

The walls are made of "stones". Get it?

If you click on the link above, the characters are all heavy-lidded 'shrooms. The restaurant is decorated with planes...all "Getting high" in the sky. And the mushrooms are called 'shrooms, which is stoner lingo for "Try these dude. You'll get fried off yer ass."

It's a stoner's paradise, I'm tellin' ya.

And the wait staff. Holy cow. Nice kids and all, but if ANY of them were sober, they wouldn't know what to do with themselves.

I watched one busboy, a young kid who had a permanent stoned grin on his face and was hardly able to open his eyes. He had a Keith Partridge hairdo and just wandered around the restaurant, cheerfully taking plates off of people's tables, whether they were finished or not.

We had a large pizza with Italian sausage, green peppers and pepperoni. It was pretty good except there was way too much cornmeal on the bottom of the pizza crust, giving it a gritty texture.

Did you know I used to be a restaurant critic? For real...I wrote a column called "Lunch with AJ". A friend of mine named Alan was the "A" and I was the "J".

Ironically, my son's initials are now "AJ". Maybe not so ironically. Maybe just coincidence. Whatever.

I would review places for quickly you could get in and out of there, how much an average lunch cost, what the food was like, etc.

I had one pizza place owner threaten to beat my ass because I compared his pizza toppings to cat food in print. No shit. I was actually scared, because this guy was FURIOUS. I meant it as a joke (I was really REALLY stoned when I wrote it), and completely forgot that this guy's pizza was his livelihood. The next week, the newspaper had to run a retraction saying something along the lines that the pizza didn't taste like cat food and was actually pretty good, just to appease the guy so he didn't sue us.

Anyway...back to last night.

We had to wait 45 minutes for a table since the Mushroom just opened last month. That was okay because we didn't have Andrew with us. He woulda lasted about 90 seconds in a wait line before he let everyone know he was bored.

Then it was another 40 minute wait for the pizza. It was a decent pizza but definitely not worth an 85 minute wait.

Afterwards, Susie wanted to know what we were going to do next.

I smiled and told her we were going to do what she had always wanted to do on a hot date....go grocery shopping.

So we went to the grocery store, casually taking our time without having to worry about Andrew fussing and wanting to take everything off the shelves and throw them to the ground to see if they'd break.

It was honestly relaxing.

We got back to the church where Andrew was staying and he had been a good boy all night, playing with all the toys and the two gals there to watch him.

It's nice to get away from the kid for two and a half hours. I love him dearly, but last night was really nice to not have to spend 85 minutes picking things up off of the floor and entertaining a baby so that he doesn't start screaming. No drinks got knocked over and the busboy didn't hate us when we left, because we left him without having to pick up any soggy animal crackers and half eaten hot dogs from the end of the table.


We've gotta go get some cell phones today.

Susie's had a cell phone for several years now and it finally celled its last phone last week.

I had one for a few months a few years ago, never used it and turned it back in.

But with me travelling, we both want to have one now. Her for emergencies and me for 1-900-HOT-SEXX.

...And of calls to Miss Cleo to see if Susie's cheating on me or not.

Anyway, I want a cell phone with a pretty lime-neon-green cover so that I look really cool when I go to the mall and pop it out and talk really loud to whoever's on the other line and say things like "Beeyotch, you'd best recognize!" and shit like that so people think I'm one cool older gang member wearing a coat and tie.

Of course, I'll have to wear my pants all baggy and around my thighs which won't be hard to do since I've lost some weight and never really had an ass to begin with, so they naturally hang down anyway.


I'm one straight-up fly, dope beeyotch.

And don't you forget it, my friend.

There...your semi-quickie.

I know, I promised a quickie and that was a little long for a quickie.

What can I say?

I aim to please.

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