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5:23 a.m. - 2002-06-19


If I don't get some stability in my life soon, someone's getting hurt.

We're moving ... right? That's a big step for me. I hate moving. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But it's like child labor to me...months of agonizing crap, followed by hours of pain but the end result is usually worth the whole thing.

So yesterday, I find out that one of my dearest and best friends is leaving me.

This person means more to me than I could ever tell them. I tried to find the words to say "Dammit...don't go." But the words wouldn't come. Because this person is doing what they consider to be the best thing for their life and are not in a position to take my selfish feelings of wanting them to stay into consideration.

This person is a big part of why I am who I am today.

I'm going to miss this person more than they will ever know.

With that I say...



















Goodbye, Reverend Brian.

My pastor, his wife (my wife's best friend) and his son (my son's best friend) are moving to Louisville, Kentucky to take pastoral jobs there.

They won't be leaving until September, which is nice. At least we have 90 more days to be with them.

But then...they're gone.

I don't like people that I really like leaving my life.

Rev. Brian is the whole reason why I go to church. Susie tried to get me to go to church for years. It wasn't until I heard Rev. Brian speak that I said "Wow...he's speaking to me."

I remember the very first sermon I ever heard him preach two years ago. It was all about "ASAP". How we're always needing something "ASAP". He said to take "ASAP" and change it to "Always Stop And Pray".

If you find yourself alone and quiet...take time to pray. What can it hurt?

I started doing that.

And my life started getting better.

Now I pray every day, several times a day. It's not like I get on my knees, clasp my hands, close my eyes and go on for five minutes. If I'm in the car, I'll just thank God for everything he's given me and the blessings he continues to bestow on me. I ask him to keep my wife and son healthy and to watch over all my friends, my Diaryland family and my regular family.

It's nothing really.

But it's a matter of remembering him.

I've been called to an emergency board meeting tonight where they will announce that Brian and his family are leaving.

Brian called me last night because we're close and he didn't want me to hear it at the meeting first.

I respect that.

I'm going to miss the guy.

And I hope...I HOPE that this is the LAST person who will be leaving my life this summer.

I cannot bear to lose any more of my friends.

Yes...that's a thinly veiled shoutout to someone reading this entry.

They know who they are.

Sooooooo anyway...

I'm exhausted.

"Why, Uncle Bob...why?" you ask.

Ohhhhhh...maybe because my stinkin', dirty, good-for-nothing-but-minor-plumbing-problems brother-in-law was over here until 11 f'n p.m. last night.

On Tuesdays, 9 p.m. is my bedtime. That's just how it is...It's the one night of the week where I enjoy going to bed early and getting a good night's sleep.

But B-I-L was asked by the Mrs. to come over and help her paint the house while I did yard work.

She TOLD him to be here right after he got off work at 5.

He works five minutes from our house.

What time did he get here???


He stopped to play a few games of pool first and have a few beers.

Wonderful. There's nothing like a half sloshed asshole BIL to help you paint the house.

I was halfway expecting him to paint the windows too.

So he gets to the house as I'm wrapping up the yard work. He wants to stand around and tell me his latest jokes...jokes I was telling in my stand-up act 17 years ago.

I'm all like "You realize that eventually daylight fades and nighttime comes...right?"

He goes inside to change his clothes where my niece and son are watching "Blues Clues".

He gets engrossed in this particular episode of "Blues Clues" because it's one of the few episodes that isn't over his head.

Susie has to go inside to remind him that dusk is approaching and we have AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE to paint before dark.

He stumbles outside and starts scraping paint. Susie was scraping paint as well. But his scraping was making an ungodly sound ... similar to the sound produced when manually removing the toenails from a young Swedish hermaphrodite with a pair of rusty pliers.

Around 8:00, they're finished scraping and are ready to start painting.

A thunderstorm rolls through the area, producing close lightning and pouring rain.

And they're out there painting up a storm. Literally.

They wind up getting the front patio finished. Which is good. Granted, it's only about 15% of the total job, but it's more than anyone expected.

And it's going to need a second coat.

So they're painting and BIL is hungry. He's famished. He hasn't eaten in two hours. He needs some grub.

He starts rummaging through our cupboards, looking for anything that doesn't look too healthy to eat.

Anticipating his hunger, I had stopped off at the grocery store on the way home and purchased some frozen pizzas.

So I tell him that I will pop the pizzas in the oven and for him to please go back outside to help my wife paint the house.

He agrees to do this.

I put the pizzas in.

For some reason, our smoke alarms go off. It's not smokey in the house. But they go off and won't stop screaming.

This makes the dog bark.

And the baby cry.

And the 18 year-old niece turn up the volume on the television as loud as it will go so she can help Blue find the third and final clue.

So I've got the crying baby in my arms, the howling dog wrapped around my feet with a pizza burning, a smoke alarm screaming, the TV blaring, my BIL complaining that he's hungry, the phone ringing with one of my best friends telling me he and his family are leaving and a thunderstorm raging outside.

Fucking Calgon couldn't have taken me away at this moment. It was utterly surreal.

I told the niece to take the baby and turn down the TV.

I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm, shutting it down.

I took the pizza out of the oven, sliced it and threw it at my brother-in-law who SERIOUSLY ate one and a half frozen pizzas on his own. These were Red Baron pizzas...fairly large pizzas. I was shocked at his gluttony.

I told Brian I'd call him back.

And I collapsed on the bed for five minutes.

And prayed.

And all the troubles went away.

Well...the brother in law hung out for a few more hours.

He did manage to fix a bathroom sink so that it quit dripping.

BUT...he forgot to turn the water back on.

So at 11:15, when I finally had time to shower...there was no water.

With a flashlight, I stumbled to the front of the yard and fiddled with the water main until the water came back on.

I showered.

I collapsed in bed and passed out quickly.

And prayed once again that today's a better day than yesterday.

Somehow, I doubt that it will be.

I almost forgot.

I need everyone here to do me a favor. I don't ask much of you guys, but this is something I REALLY need.

I need you to visit Mattie Gee's site for his band The Spicolis.

That was the link right there. The one with his name on it.

Once you get there, I need you to click on the link at the top of that page...the one that says "Win, Win, Win" or something like that...has something to do with OzzFest tickets or something. It's a Jagermeister link.

See...Mattie Gee's band is now a Jager Band which means Jagermeister sponsors them because they're a bunch of helladrunks or something.

Now...Jager is having a contest with all of its bands. The band whose site directs the most traffic to the Jagermeister site wins some fabulous prize. A blowjob from Britney Spears or something. Hell if I remember what it is.

Anyway, I win too.

If I can get enough of you guys to click over to Mattie Gee's site and then to the Jagermeister site, then Mattie Gee will help me move!!!

Look...I need the help desperately. Right now, I have NOBODY helping me. Nobody. It's just me, moving thousands of items by myself.

Soooo...if you can find it in your heart to go to two links, I can get the help I need to get out of my house once and for all.


Do it for yer old Uncle Bob.

Thank you. I needed some sunshine in my life today.

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