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4:17 a.m. - 2002-10-10


Soooo…I don’t have mono. I’ve got something even cooler than mono.

Check it out… I’ve got Obstructive Sleep Apnea….and you don’t.



“What is Obstructive Sleep Apnea?” you ask.

Baby…it’s an excuse for EVERYTHING!!!

Ya say I’m acting like an asshole?? Well damn…guess what?? “Irritability” is a symptom of Obstructive Sleep Apnea. So I am OFF THE HOOK ON THAT ONE, CHICO!!

I’m lazy?? I’M LAZY?!? Well maybe ….JUST F’N MAYBE it’s because I only get between 90 minutes and two hours of somewhat decent sleep a night, beeyotch. Maybe for the last several years when I’ve said “I’m too tired to do…whatever” it’s because I’m awake TWENTY TWO AND A HALF HOURS A DAY, HOMESLICE!!!

Huh? You say you’re horny?? Oh wow…sure … I’d LOVE me some sex….let’s see here, lemme just get Lil’ Bob goin’….

….lemme just get Lil’ Bob go…



…..well shit. Lil’ Bob doesn’t wanna come out and play.


Say what??

I’m a fat, lazy, impotent, cranky bastard?!?!?


Actually, I’m tickled pink to know this is what I’ve got, because this explains EVERYTHING.

Damned near every symptom given on that link I provided you with … I’ve got it.

The doctor ran down the list of symptoms and I’m all like…”Check. Yep. Uh-huh. Oh yeah. All the time. Every day. You betcha. That too. Yeppers.”

I also have a severe ear infection and throat infection. The drainage from both infections is keeping me up at night, choking me in my sleep, making my newly diagnosed OBSTRUCTIVE SLEEP APNEA even worse.

Which explains why I sit at my desk for eight hours a day and struggle to stay awake long enough to type a sentence.

This can be treated with surgery. Or I can wear a little oxygen mask over my nose when I go to sleep at night. And wear a big assed chin strap to keep my mouth shut all night, GUARANTEEING me that I’ll get a great night’s sleep and have tons of energy the next day.

Man…I cannot freakin’ WAIT.

Plus, I have to go to a sleep clinic where they’re going to hook me up to all these wires and then a bunch of hot nurses will watch me sleep for eight hours and take notes.

…I hope they’re impressed with my massive sleep erections.

What am I talking about?? I’M IMPOTENT, REMEMBER?!?! SLEEP APNEA, BABY!!!!

I don’t HAVE to get it up!!!


Although…mono would have been pretty cool. I had mono when I was in high school. Laid around and slept for two weeks. It’s hard to beat that when you’re in high school.

BUT….mono doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole like obstructive sleep apnea.

I think I’m gonna be all Goth Sulky to the Mrs. tonight. All mopey and shit.

“What’s wrong, honey?” she’ll say.


And it’s cool! She has to accept that tone of voice!!


This is like being given the right to have a PMS-like attitude. You women do not understand how cool this is. You get free reign to act all bitchy one week out of the month.


Check out that link ... it even says that it could lead me to have CAR CRASHES!!!

Next time a cop pulls me over, I can just give him a sleepy look and say "Dude...I've got Obstructed Sleep Apnea. Now then ... backeth the fucketh uppeth."

Seriously...this has GOT to be the coolest disorder a person could have short of Tourette's Syndrome, which would be cooler because then you can call everyone "ignorant fuckwits" and get away with it.

If I didn't already have it, I'd pay some doctor thousands of dollars to inject the shit in me.

The only downside to the whole thing??

It's curable.


Then again ... I could die from it too. Since it basically leaves me not breathing hundreds of times a night, it just takes one time for me to NOT wake up gasping for breath to just up and die.

That would suck. I'm not really ready to die just yet.

Be a fat, lazy, impotent, bitchy bastard who can't drive worth a shit and has a constant sleep deprivation buzz?? Sure!!

But I don't wanna die.

Damned drawbacks.

I hate 'em.


This stuff also affects my short term memory. So I can't remember things so well.

And I always thought my bad memory was due to all the pot I smoked for...well...however many years I smoked pot.


Blame it on the obstructive sleep apnea, babes.

I would have mentioned that earlier...except I forgot about that part.

Because...well...I just found out about it yesterday.

And it's easy to forget now.

Truthfully, I think I've had this for years now. Because I've felt like this for years. I've had these symptoms for years. I just never had a medical explanation for it.

As I noted in my 100 Things You Need To Know About Me entry the other day ... I'm constantly tired. When I wake up in the morning, I'm tired. By 9 a.m., I'm exhausted. I'm not worth a crap in the afternoons. When I come home at night, I'm worthless. By 9 p.m. I'm out on my feet.

It all makes sense now.

And I was more in tune with my sleep patterns last night. From 12:43 on, I looked at the clock nearly every 15 minutes. I was "sleeping" between glances at the clock, but it was always a very light sleep.

I am really looking forward to correcting this problem. I guess the best way to fix it is to wear this Hannibal Lechter mask all night that keeps me from snoring and keeps oxygen pumped inside my head. I'll then experience a "dramatic change" in the energy I have during the day.

Which means...I won't have the excuses that I have for now.

I guess I'd better live up this whole "lazy bastard" image while I can.

So if you'll excuse me ... It's 5:10 a.m.

I've got a bed to go repeatedly jump on and a wife to scream and shout at.


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