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5:49 a.m. - 2002-11-08


The fact that this site appeals to women more than men is not totally lost on me.

The fact that a lot of those women won't have dates tonight and will end up sitting around with nothing to do is also not lost on me.

The fact that I'm the kind of guy who was put on this earth to make sure these women are entertained on a blustery Friday evening without actually having sexual relations with them? Baby...that's what they're gonna inscribe on my gravestone.

Without further's fifty things you girls can do tonight to make the pain of a lonely Friday night go by much quicker.

1) Tie a great big red ribbon around everything you love.

2) Cover your bed with pretty gingham contact paper.

3) Wrap all of your clothes hangers in bright white dental floss.

4) Go to a hospital emergency room and cheer everyone up.

5) Plan a birthday party for someone you've never met.

6) Clean the bathrooms at your local mall.

7) Paint your teeth all different colors.

8) Give your dog a permanent.

9) Find a shortcut way to make Jell-o.

10) Squish a dandelion all over your face to see if you like butter.

11) Write some imaginary wedding vows.

12) Make a list of all the things you've forgotten.

13) Mail some leftover food to a starving person.

14) Memorize Little Women.

15) Make a tiny teensy pizza for a kitten.

16) Sing "My Heart Will Go On" into a storm drain.

17) Go find something wrong and do your best to make it right.

18) Paint your bike tires pink.

19) Fill your bathtub with flower petals and leaves and take a natural plant bath.

20) Wash your sidewalk.

21) Send a letter to your Congressman telling him all about yourself.

22) Paste big paper tulips on your dad's golf bag.

23) Look in the phone book and see how many people have your name.

24) Press a weed.

25) Count your freckles.

26) Write an adorable saying for your mom and hide it in the fridge behind the milk.

27) Learn to pronounce your name backwards.

28) Go to your room and have a dream.

29) Make your closet smell romantic.

30) Make a sculpture out of Q-Tips.

31) Cut out pictures of cute boys and glue them to your clothes.

32) Write a poem with a mascara wand.

33) Make up a casserole and name it after yourself.

34) Send a ladybug to your very best friend.

35) Invite all your cousins over to your house for a popcorn party.

36) Call information and ask for your own number and make sure it's listed correctly.

37) Do a book report for extra credit at school.

38) Go to bed real early.

39) Eat a second supper.

40) Play Monopoly with your cat.

41) Brush your teeth as softly as you can.

42) Put your shoes on the wrong feet and walk around your house, trying to understand how handicapped people must feel.

43) Pretend you're a big Hollywood star and order your cat around.

44) Try to send yourself a virus.

45) Make a green bean necklace.

46) Invent a new deodorant out of common household products.

47) Plan what you're going to wear to school for the rest of the year.

48) Visit an old folks home and sing the residents some rap songs.

49) Go through your family album with your parents.

50) Pay your brother to dance with you. apology.

Not for that list, but for the photo I posted yesterday.

Y'see...I'm in the business of making fun of geeks and nerds. It's what I do best and it makes me feel better about myself.

Yesterday, I posted a photo of what I thought was a pretty geeky person, trying to pass it off as myself.

I had no idea this person was disabled until I received an email from someone who had visited that person's website. As it turns out, it wasn't someone having a bad picture was someone with a debilitating disease.

That's not cool.

So I've removed the photo from the page. If you were offended that I could be so heartless...I apologize. As I've stated on this site a few times, I have a spot in my heart for disadvantaged children. I'm like the Jerry Lewis of Diaryland. Everything's "Ha-Ha Funny" until it comes to the kids.

So there ya go.

I make fun of nerds, geeks, losers and perverts.

But children with disabilities melt my heart.

That's it.

Have a good weekend. I've been updating on Sundays lately.

Maybe you may be so lucky as to get a Sunday update this weekend.

Maybe not.

I'm not Miss Cleo.

I can't predict the shit.

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That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

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