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5:27 a.m. - 2003-12-16


I've been up since 4 a.m. this morning, trying to download the perfect beat for my Christmas rap that I have to perform at the company Christmas party on Friday.

This thing is going to fall so flat on its face that it won't be funny.

The rap is so sanitary and safe, Donny Osmond would declare it too wimpy to record.

It's all "Our crew is really good, our crew is really nice, we like to drink our water in tumblers full of ice" kinda crap.

Being somewhat new to the company, I don't want to go in there all "Yo, yo, yo, where my dogs at? Where all the ho's up in dis beeyotch?"

I've learned over the years to have fun at the company Christmas party but not so much fun that you get called into the boss' office on Monday.

Anyway, I think I've finally found a beat I can use. It's almost six minutes long, it's not that noisy and I can probably "rap" along with it.

Keep in mind ... I never SAID I could rap.

This thing has all the potential to be the biggest disaster ever in the history of company Christmas parties.

I'm thinking about videotaping it, just so I could sell the tape to Fox's new hit reality show "Really Wacked Out Company Christmas Parties".

I'm supposed to be a rapping Santa.

I don't even have a Santa suit.

God help me.

Susie's up early this morning, making Death By Chocolate for me to take to our Christmas luncheon today.

See, I work for a small company that's part of a bigger company. The bigger company's luncheon is Friday. Today's the smaller company's luncheon.

We're also playing "Dirty Santa".

I wanna be Billy Bob Thornton.

Oh wait ... that's "Bad Santa".


Anyway, I'm taking this really nice $40 tray from Southern Living for my Dirty Santa gift.

The gift price limit is $10.

So hopefully my gift will be the one everyone wants because it's the best value.

And naturally, since I went way over the limit, I'll be regarded as the cool gift-giving guy which is always nice for the new boy to be.

It's much better than the Suckass gift-giving guy anyway.

Nobody wants to be friends with the Suckass gift-giving guy.

But everyone wants to hang with Cool Gift Giving Guy.

You know ... in case there was any confusion in the matter.

And, because I work with all women, it'll be 19 women and me.

And women ... they love the party trays.

What I HATE is that in the invitation to the luncheon it said to bring a unisex gift to play Dirty Santa with "because of Uncle Bob".

I guess in the past, they've always brought tampons and shit.

Not actual "shit". I mean ... talk about your wacked out company Christmas parties if people brought feces to trade with each other. Hooo boy! Somebody grab the camcorder!

I mean "other gifts females would want/need/like."

So now, because of me, they have to all trade unisex gifts which is about as fun as ... well ... nothing.

And since I'm bringing a gift that appeals mostly to women, I'll be bringing the only feminine gift to the party.


I'm going to be SO POPULAR when this is all said and done!!


I'll be Tray Boy!!

Man oh man ... the chicks are gonna be diggin' on me!


...Sorry. Still in bad rap mode.

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