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8:28 a.m. - 2005-03-11


In college, I was widely known as the King of the Elbow Tit.

Well ... not really "widely" known. A few of my buddies admired my techniques but that's about it.

"Elbow Titting" is when you're walking through a crowd and you manage to lift your arms, "accidentally" brushing a girl's breast with your elbow, and then walk away mentally high-fiving yourself because you just managed to touch an honest-to-goodness breast with one of the least sensitive parts of your body.

Yeaaaaah ... it's kinda creepy.

But it was over 20 years ago that I was doing it.

I've matured since then.

Now I do mostly "forehead titting".

So yesterday I skipped the Town Hall Meeting with the President in order to go do a media challenge at the Rodeo which is in town this weekend.

The media competition was at 3:30.

The president's speech was starting at 3:50.

I left the office at 3:00.

...Fucking streets were closed left and right. Everywhere I tried to go it was all "Sorry. Turn the fuck around because the worst President in our country's history will be coming through here in the next half hour and we don't want nobody snipin' him."

A ten-minute trip took 25 minutes as I scurried from street to street trying to find a backstreet that was open.

Finally got to the media challenge and just as I expected ... every f'n media person worth their salt was at the President's shindig.

Usually there's 25-30 people in the media challenge. Or at least there was when I was in the media before.



Therefore, in my opinion, I was a shoo-in to win something.

There was a best dressed cowboy/cowgirl contest.

A beef cooking contest.

And a singing contest.

My partner was going to enter the best dressed and the beef cooking contest while I was going to sing my fucking lungs out and walk away with the grand prize.

However, yesterday morning I got the call from my partner from the local hospital where she had been admitted for explosive diarrhea.

Well ... it was actually dehydration but dehydration is just a kind word for "Explosive diarrhea". Any piss boy can tell you that.

So I was on my own without a cowgirl and a tasty beef dish.

There's only one other guy in the competition and he's got me beat in the best dressed cowboy contest because he's wearing a leather jacket with fringe, a hat and boots.

I'm wearing a sweater and dockers.

He's the first guy in the singing contest and what does this sonofabitch do??

He brought a freakin' guitar.

He sings "Lonesome Cattle Call" which he claims was sung by Gene Autry but gimme a break, you sonofabitch. It was Eddy Arnold who sang that. He should be disqualified for that alone.

THEN the next girl gets up there to sing and she brought her own Karaoke disc to sing along with.

I didn't have a Karaoke disc.

After she was finished, I pulled her aside and asked if I could use her Karaoke disc which she was happy to oblige me with.

I scanned the titles and I didn't know any of them.

The only one I knew was "Crazy" by Patsy Cline.

So I entered total Drag Queen Mode and sang that.


Just fucking horribly.

Two couples danced while I sang and I ended up being the only one getting a dance floor going which totally rocked.

But other than that ... I sucked harder than a five dollar whore.

So everyone sings and everyone sings better than me and I'm convinced I suck and I'm not going to win anything.

The judges then turned their attention to the beef cooking contest which had three entries. A meat loaf, some Thai Curry Beef and this green dish that looked like moldy goat balls.

While they were tasting the stuff, one of the organizers wanted to take a photo of the media in attendance.

So we were all told to group together tightly.

Miss News Anchor ... the only TV personality there ... kind of came over to the side of me.

I wasn't really paying attention to how closely she was getting to me.

And it was at that very point ... I elbow-titted the shit out of Lil' Miss Blonde TV Anchor.

It was not deliberate, but my elbow sunk into that cleavage and was enveloped in soft fleshy globular tit action.

Here's where it got weird.

Without making a scene by yanking my arm out of her cleavage while a photo was being taken and yelling "OHMIGOD MISS TV LADY ... SORRY FOR GROPING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH MY ELBOW", I adjusted my elbow slowly out of her boobage.

...And she leaned in closer to me, thus keeping my elbow secure in her mams.

So I'm standing there, grinning like a deranged clown with my elbow planted firmly in TV Lady whose amazing massive magical jugs won't release their grip on me.

Then EVERYONE wants pictures of us.

So we stand there for 30 seconds like this.

Finally, the flashbulbs stop popping and I pull my elbow out of TV Lady, making that "pop" sound you get when you pull a champagne cork out of the bottle.

And I scurry off like the little freak I am, too embarrassed to look at TV Lady.

I ended up getting some certificate thanking me for all I do for the Rodeo which can be boiled down to rewriting a press release and putting it on page 7 of the paper.

But I didn't win shit.

Which is okay because as it turned out ... there are no cash prizes anymore.

The winners get all this Rodeo merchandise in a bag. Bandannas, keychains ... basically crap that they throw out to the audience.

I can't believe I humiliated myself by singing a chick song, fought Presidential traffic, and buried myself in TV Lady's boob for a chance at a grand prize that wasn't even cash.

I'm passing on the whole Rodeo challenge next year.

I just don't think I can ever face TV Lady and her bruised sternum again.

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