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4:42 a.m. - 2005-08-10


So, you know, originally we were going to buy a new/used minivan because I am God's gift to parties and am DJ'ing more than Casey Kasem in his heyday, right?

Plan B, Hoss.

NOWWWW we are going to buy two new/used cars for the price of one minivan.

I had to rent a car on Monday (long story) and drove a Dodge Neon which is roughly the size of a midget's casket.

But I was able to squeeze my fat carcass into the thing and once I did it was a fairly comfortable ride.

Which made me think ... "I could so drive one of these."

So that night over dinner, I made the crazy suggestion that we forego the whole minivan thing and get two compact cars instead.

The Mrs. nearly choked on her food.

Then she started thinking about it.

Three cars in the driveway rather than two.

When a car breaks down, we still have a backup vehicle.

And since we have a guy going to an auto auction that will buy the vehicle wholesale for us ... we'll save thousands of dollars in doing this.

And now, I'm officially a "genius" according to my wife.

That's the first time she's called me that.

Hell, it's the first time ANYONE'S ever called me that.

...Even though technically I AM a genius.

I'll show you how smart I am ... right now, you're sitting there thinking "This guy is so full of himself".


I'm just SLAPPIN' that nail on the head, huh?

So today we have our first meeting with the guy buying our cars for us.

And it couldn't have come at a better time because we got a five digit check in the mail yesterday from our insurance company.

Whooo to the Hooooo.

Technically, we can tell the guy "Go ahead and get us a car", he'll go to an auto auction in Atlanta tomorrow and he could buy it and have it in our driveway by Friday.

Which would be soooo nice.

Because I for one am getting tired of getting up at 4:30 a.m. just so I can get this thing updated and get everything prepared so the family can all leave the house at 7 a.m.

Sure ... I could have dissed Uncle Bob and slept in the last few weeks.

Which I did on a few occasions.

But who really suffers when that happens?

(ANSWER: You.)

The person sitting at their computer, once again saying "This guy is SOOOO full of himself."

What was Chex Mix thinking??

As if their little product wasn't addictive enough, they've gone and tossed together two new flavors.

Chocolate Turtle and Chocolate Peanut Butter Chex Mix.

Do these people not know that I, their number one biggest fan, am on the MOTHER OF ALL DIETS?!?

Apparently not.

Because last night, as I stopped at the store to get some bagels and yogurt, I happened to somehow find myself in the snack aisle.

And there those lovely new bags o' Chex Mix were.

Taunting me.

"Hey Tubby," one said. "How 'bout you EAT ME, huh??"

I averted my eyes.

"I ... I can't," I stuttered on the verge of tears. "I'm on a diet. I can't eat anything that's not a direct descendent of the five major food groups. And quite frankly Chex Mix ... I have no idea where you'd fall into those five groups."

"Ummmm...dairy?" the Chex Mix Bag asked.

"SOLD!!" I squealed with glee as I shoved two bags in my cart and skedaddled out of the aisle before the Fritos could start calling my name.

And I am here this morning at 5 a.m. to report ... the Chocolate Turtle Chex Mix sucks.

Whoever thought putting caramel popcorn and M&Ms in with a bunch of Chex Mix would be a good idea needs to be institutionalized.

...However ... the peanut butter stuff??

I could SERIOUSLY marry that sweet sweet bag o' peanut buttery goodness.

Remind me to lay low on the Village People Megamix tonight.

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