GIMME A BIG HAND. NO ... SERIOUSLY

I think I rolled over and slept on it for a good portion of the evening.

It's truly amazing that I'm not typing like this ... asersbw terwaca terwaca estyeaer.

I've been awake for 30 minutes and it's still numb and tingly.

Am I having a heart attack?!?

I've heard that your hand goes all numb right before a heart attack!!

Ohmigod!!

Should I call 911?!?

Should I run out to the car and yell at my dashboard and tell it I'm having a heart attack so they'll send an ambulance??

Do you need that On Star shit for that or will just yelling at the dashboard work just as well?!?

Oh God ... Oh God ... Oh God ...

Let's just see if I can make it through this entry without dying.

Hold my hand.

No ... not that one ... my numb one.

I finally got the email I've been waiting on.

My new DVD recorder/DVR has FINALLY shipped from the warehouse and is in transit as we ... ummmm ... as I type and you read.

I'd say "as we speak" but it's really pretty quiet here.

Maybe you sit and read this shit out loud where you are.

But I don't read it as I type it.

Anywhooo ... the thing's on the way to my house!

The only problem ... I saw that they have a "signature required" deal in order for me to get the package.

But ... and here's the clincher, dude ... my wife and I work during the day.

There won't be anyone here to give them a signature.

Hindsight being 20/20 ... I probably should have sent it to my workplace.

But we have wild packs of dogs protecting my workplace behind a razor wire fence.

Plus, there's homeless people panhandling for money outside the front door.

And crazed blood-thirsty elephants roaming the parking lot. Oh shit. Can't forget about those crazed blood-thirsty elephants. They'll stomp ya into dust, they will!

I just hope the DHL guy is new on the job and just leaves the damned thing on the porch.

I trust my neighbors not to steal it.

I'm the worst guy in the neighborhood. If I had to pick someone I couldn't trust to not steal something off someone's porch in the neighborhood, I'd pick myself.

Did that make sense?

Dont' pop a blood vessel trying to make sense of it ... basically I'm the only guy in the neighborhood who'd steal a big box off your porch.

Christ.

My hand's still numb.

The movie that I've been wanting to see for a while now is coming out on DVD today.

It's called "The Princess Diaries - The Unrated Version" and it's about this girl who wants to be a princess but Julie Andrews won't let her and then they have hot lesbian sex the end.

Actually, it's "The Aristocrats".

Because, to me, a movie isn't a movie unless it's the same joke repeated by 100 different comedians.

I'm sure it's only funny for the first 30 or so comedians and then it probably gets old.

But still, I'm excited.

SUE ME DAMMIT!

The kid really spooks me sometimes.

Oh. He just wanted me to turn the TV on.

Here I thought he was trying to set my hair on fire by osmosis.

It's this damned numb hand!!

It's driving me insane!

I do believe it's time I went outside and screamed at my dashboard for help.