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05:35:09 - 2000-03-16


You know...statistics show that there are over 12 billion people currently listed in Diaryland.

That's more than the entire population of Bismarck, North Dakota.

Roughly 11,999,983,341 more.

Probably not the best comparison I coulda came up with but my point is ... with all those diaries out there, there's gotta be some decent ones out there somewhere, right???

Sadly ... nope. I found that my personal diary was not only the best in Diaryland but probably the best website on the web, if you don't count porn sites.


Okay ...there have managed to be a few people in Diaryland who have impressed me enough to either make me chuckle repeatedly, ponder life and its complications, or served me up a steamy new sexual fantasy for when I'm "Pulling a Lester" in the shower.

It's these people that I wish would all die. Because in my opinion, they are all better and more entertaining than me, and any hopes of Diaryland Domination that I may have shall lay dormant while these folks still breathe air on this earth.

These are those people. Please wish instant death on each of them, so that I may be the King of Diaryland:

ACTION_GRRL : She's too good for her age. Off with her head.

AFFEMANN : This punk assed kid has me hooked. You won't see many guy diaries included in this list but Affie's ass is shining bright. I can tell somedays he struggles to make his diary interesting, when he doesn't realize that he doesn't have to. He is an obvious threat to Uncle Bob's Diaryland Domination and he must be destroyed at once. I suggest torn apart by a pack of tigers.

AMBER : One of the first diaries I started reading, I recognized Amber as an obvious threat to my mission of greatness early on. Her sick assed photo contest is now over, and I'm sleeping better at night. I would like to see Amber impaled headfirst on a rusty screwdriver.

ANENIGMA: I have compared Annie to Erma Bombeck on crack and June Cleaver in a dominatrix outfit. She's got to be one of the coolest moms on the planet as well as one of the sexiest wives. I don't always agree with everything she writes about, but that's why I love her. Her entries flow wonderfully and always end perfectly. Her updates are like clockwork ... you'll have one a day by 8 a.m. EST EVERY DAY. Her entries leave me thinking long after I've shut off the computer. She's the only one who can make me gush like a schoolgirl with a crush on how great she is. I'll shut up now. Read her and read her all the way through. NOW!!! Her life may be spared because she amuses me so.

BADKITTY: Badkitty is one of the best at laying her soul out online every day. I admire the hell outta that. This is why she must die. Baring your soul may turn out to be the next big thing, and I'll be thrown out like yesterday's news. But...since I do like the girl ... I wish her death to come in the middle of a giant orgy. Yer welcome.

BANKY : Come home son. All is forgiven.

DLOVE : The Godfather of Cool. The King of Suave. Every little girl's dream and every daddy's nightmare.

So what the hell is he still doing alive while I skulk about this earth??? Bring him to me...(said in my best Montgomery Burns impression) P>

ME: " you know why I've brought you here?"

DLOVE: "Life is beautiful. Sex is beautiful. Hope is..."

ME: "Put the bong down son and listen to me. DO YOU KNOW WHY I'VE BROUGHT YOU HERE???"

DLOVE: " man. Wassap?"

ME: "You're a threat to my domination of Diaryland."

DLOVE: "No shit. Far out, dude." (Dlove lifts the bong back to his mouth)

ME: (Pulling the bong gently from his hands) "No Dlove. NOT far out. Uncle Bob don't play games. BOYS???"

(Banky and Affemann come in the room, each grab one of Dlove's arms and toss him into Uncle Bob's oversized, roaring fireplace)

DLOVE: "'s pretty hot in here...."

(Uncle Bob, Banky and Affemann stare at each other in silence for a few seconds and then all burst into laughter at the same time while Dlove's complaints get quieter and quieter)

Wow. I made it through the D's. I'll finish the rest of my death threats later.

For now ... I've gotta pee and then go rule my little fantasy world until I can take over Diaryland.


You will ALL be mine....

(Uncle Bob clasps his hands greedily in front of him, rubbing them together furiously with a maniacal grin crawling across his weathered face. He then accidently poots, turns red from embarrassment, shuts off the light and leaves the room).

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