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5:23 a.m. - 2001-04-17

Once again...Uncle Bob's Army loses. This is the column that I plan on putting in the newspaper this week, rather than your usual Diary Entry. A lot of the names and places in here are localized, which leaves you guys in the dark. My apologies. I'll be back tomorrow with plenty of news, including why you should never EVER go to Toys 'R' Us again.


1) If I win, I will list every single business that would NOT help out the American Cancer Society, so you know which businesses to avoid and ridicule.

2) If I win ... free public transportation.

3) It will do my fragile little ego a world of good.

4) I throw a mean Silent Auction.

5) My impeccable hygiene.

6) I'm an animal lover, unlike some of my competitors.

7) Nobody from the media has ever won the competition and I would be the first.

8) Business owners would tremble.

9) I've worked hard to win this thing without the aid of a committee.

10) Hindsight being 20/20, I should have had a committee.

11) Daddy never loved me.

12) I think I'd look good in a crown and velvet cape. Kinda like Elvis in his last days.

13) If I won, I'd surgically alter my teeth to look more "rat-like".

14) I'd shut down the XFL.

15) Two words ... free rum.

16) I'd send that menace to society Monica Allen up the river.

17) I would not force everyone to call me "Sir Rat" like some certain Majors in the police force would do if they were to win.

18) I'd do something about this insane weather.

19) There's a pretty good chance I'd come mow your yard for free.

20) I'd personally teach each and every person in town the fine art of pillow fluffing.

21) It takes a big man to be Biggest Rat and by golly ... I've worked hard for this figure.

22) I would probably stop bragging about being this town's Most Reluctant Ballerina of 1999, since this would give me some new bragging rights. The key word being "probably".

23) I'm for both local colleges.

24) Are any of the other Big Rats offering you shopping sprees and golf clubs? That's right...only me.

25) I'm not above kissing babies.

26) I've never cheated on my taxes.

27) I've already written a pretty entertaining acceptance speech, complete with fake tears.

28) It may help me get over this shyness thing.

29) If I win, I won't demand a long, tedious recount.

30) I'm giving away massages for Pete's sakes. MASSAGES!!!

31) The title will surely make up for my lack of chest hair in making me feel more like a man.

32) I really want to see my picture in the daily paper and this may be my last chance to ever achieve that dream.

33) Everyone calls me "Big Rat" anyway, so I'm already used to the title.

34) My five month-old son deserves to see his Daddy be called a vermin.

35) I know every state capital, which really should count for something.

36) I've shamelessly pandered the most out of all my competitors.

37) I promise not to let the title go to my head and start promising things like "free public transportation".

38) I promise to get this amnesia thing cleared up once and for all.

39) I'm the only candidate with a bald spot and that hurts. It really hurts.


41) I'm a firm believer in self promotion.

42) I can cram 101 reasons neatly into 42 reasons, thus cutting excess reasons in order to let you get on about your day.

Of course, the most important reason to support me in my quest is to help out the American Cancer Society by contributing funds for research and education programs.

...And...y'know...I DO think my acceptance speech is pretty good.

Some Army members have asked how they can contribute to my campaign. While I appreciate any and all contributions that you guys want to send to me, I don't want anyone thinking they HAVE to send me checks.

Still ... if you must, I cannot stop you. So here goes.

Every one of you sending me a check will receive a hand-written thank you card from moi. PLUS ... I'm thinking about having some sort of drawing where one of you will receive a tidy little gift package from me.

Does that entice you even more???

I can at least send the winner an autographed copy of my book that came out last year that would look perfect on any coffee table.

Plus a few more things that shall remain unnamed right now.

So there ya go ... if you want to send money and help me in my cause, now you know how.


And I have to have checks by May 1st. And none of the checks will be turned in UNTIL May 1st. So you have a few weeks to get the money in the bank before I send your check to the bank.


Uncle Bob

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