MY DREAM DATE WITH A DIARYLANDER

I'm so tired.

I laid in bed after waking up at 4:15 a.m. thinking "If I didn't have to get that diary caught up ... I could lay in bed another two hours."

Y'know...these are the sacrifices I make for this stoopid diary.

I see so many other diarists saying "I don't have time to update daily."

Bullshit.

You MAKE time, Senorita.

If it means cutting your beauty sleep by two hours, you DO it.

Sheesh.

I'm one cranky bastard this morning.

I think I'm just pissed because I'd rather be in bed than here.

Ahhhhh...so much trivial bullshit to pass along.

Yesterday, in case you couldn't tell ... you guys got my humor column for this week in its rough form.

I knew I had to write it sometime, so I wrote it yesterday morning in place of my diary entry.

Because ... yesterday ... I had to (dramatic drum roll, please...) STAY HOME WITH THE SICK BABY!!!

Christ. That was about as much fun as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

As SOON as Mama left for work, Andy decided he wanted to cry.

And cry.

And then...just to change things up a bit ... he'd whimper.

And then cry some more.

He FINALLY stopped crying at 4 p.m. He tuckered himself out and passed out on my chest.

And that's when the phone and doorbell started ringing.

(Mental note: Kill every single person that called as well as the mailman for not putting the mail in my brand new mailbox, but dropping it on my front porch, ringing the doorbell and running away like a little kid)

I'd like to say it was a fun day for father and son, but I don't think either one of us will ever look back on yesterday with any semblance of fondness.

Although...I got him pretty well trained with the suction bulb up the nose. He no longer cries when he gets it, he just lays there and lets me suck all the snot away. So that's pretty cool.

Was watching "Celebrity Jeopardy" yesterday.

If I was a celebrity, I'd kick unholy ass on that show.

The questions (to me anyway) are much simpler than regular Jeopardy. Mainly because celebrities are much simpler than common folk.

I answered about 95% of the questions correctly yesterday. The only one I can remember NOT remembering was who wrote "Les Miserables". I knew the answer (Victor Hugo) but it just wouldn't come to me.

Oh. And some guys from Montgomery that I've interviewed before were actually part of one of the questions, which means they've hit the big time.

They're two ballet guys (snicker) Roger Van Fleteren and Wes Chapman. Apparently, and I didn't know this, they've got some successful ballet out there based on "Jeckyl and Hyde". The question was something along the lines of "Roger plays Jeckyl and Wes plays someone else in the ballet remake of this horror classic".

Jodie Foster got the correct answer. Go Jodie. You're a regular brain surgeon, huh babe?

Anyway...that was pretty cool. My wife used to dance with Wes when she was taking ballet as a teen.

And now he's a trivia question.

Lucky bastard.

Went to the chiropractor yesterday. He said everything's looking really good and I don't have to go back for two weeks.

Hot dog.

That means two weeks of not having to take my shirt off in front of a roomful of strangers who are staring at my ample belly.

Damned ample belly starers.

The thing I really like about going to the chiropractor is when he lays me down and just starts massaging my whole back.

The thing I DON'T like about it is...he only does this for MAYBE 30 seconds. MAYBE. I mean...it's a total rip off. In my opinion, I need TEN MINUTES of back massaging each trip. It's hardly worth leaving home to get it done if the bastard's just going to tickle me and tease me with a massage.

It's just not fair.

Damned back massage tease.

I had two strange dreams last night.

I dreamt I was the seventh "Friend" on the show "Friends".

Yeah ... they were all tickled shitless about having a new friend who's ten years older than them and about a quarter as attractive as any of them.

And the only thing I remember was seeing Chandler step out of the shower.

Gawd.

I have a dream about hanging out with three gorgeous women yet I see one of the guys in the shower.

My life is shit.

And I'm still one cranky bastard.

Damned "Friends" dreams.

I also had a dream about Anenigma.

That's right. I'm now having dreams about Diarylanders. I have officially reached "Pathetic" stage.

And no...she didn't look like a Norman Rockwell painting holding a dress up in front of herself the entire time either.

I REMEMBER that we had planned to have sex in my dream, Annie and me.

Sorry Annie. I've gotta tell the truth here. You were HOT!!

So anyway, we were at some sort of slumber party at her house. It was me, her, her brother and some other people that I didn't know.

Like I know her or her brother. Gawd. Get a life Uncle Bob.

Anyway...our plan was to wait for everyone else to fall asleep and then we were going to sneak away into a bathroom and have sex.

Naturally, I fell asleep and didn't get any action.

So the next day, we all decided to go to some marina that her family owns.

And she was on a boat with some people and I was just standing on the dock alone and feeling out of place.

So I jump in the water and tried to swim to the boat, but got tired and almost drowned.

So Annie's brother comes and rescues me and pulls me onto the boat where I feel foolish and like a fifth wheel.

(There were four people on board...making me the fifth one).

I was cold and shivering and Anenigma was barely paying attention to me.

We pulled up to a restaurant on the lake/river/whatever and were going to eat.

The maitre' d wouldn't let us in because I was soaking wet and gross.

I told him that I was a restaurant reviewer for the newspaper and that he just screwed himself out of a restaurant review.

He tried to be all nice at that point and kiss my ass, which I was really hoping would impress Anenigma to the point where she'd jump my bones.

Didn't happen.

I remember the maitre' d showed us a menu and the main courses were $65.

I'm kinda glad we didn't stop there. My wallet had gotten soaked after I jumped into the water anyway and all my money was gone.

Sooooo...no sex for Uncle Bob and Anenigma.

I'll keep you posted on any other Diaryland sex dreams gone awry.

I need something halfway funny to post on Damn Hell Ass Kings so that people will read it and think ... "I've GOT to check that out."

Okay ... here we go.

"There's a simple solution to getting the man or woman of your dreams. And I shall share it with you here."

Tee hee!

I don't REALLY have a simple solution to this. I just needed something juicy to get the hits.

HI DAMN HELL ASS KINGS PEOPLE!!!

Sorry for leading you on like that!

I'm SUCH a tease when I wanna be!!

Actually...I'm such a tired boy when I wanna be.

I'm going back to bed.

Screw this.

Screw that.

Screw it all and screw your screwy brat.