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06:21:18 - 2000-04-06


Holy shit Batman...

I now have 23 new songs I can download off of Napster, each with a fine letter of recommendation from people I really respect.

And whose asses I will continue kissing on a regular basis because they are so wonderful.

Thanks for all the different suggestions, guys and gals. Some of y'all suggested stuff I already had (and already LOVED too ... Pinkpistol suggested "Closer" by of my all-time fave tunes, and just YESTERDAY I had downloaded the XXX version of the ironic!)

Well...I dunno if that's a fine example of irony. We go to our judges....Elian Gonzales' father...was that ironic??

ELIAN'S FATHER: "I want the best for my son, but I want him to grow up a communist. Yes...that's ironic."

John Wayne Bobbitt ....Ironic??

J.W. BOBBITT: "I'll tell you what's ironic Uncle Bob. It's ironic that Frankenstein has a better looking tool than me."

And finally, our third judge...Alannis Morrissette ...isn't it ironic??

ALANNIS: "Don't you think?"

You know...I think Alannis has WAAAAAYYYYY too many double letters in her name.


Sorry. Tacked on the last double E's to make it look worse than it actually is.

I declare her to have the hardest name to spell in show business.

I doubt SHE even knows how to spell it correctly.

I'm listening to Ben Folds Five's "The Last Polka" right now, thanks to Mich. Way to go girl... I'm bopping around the room like it's the Ramones!!

I suggest everyone go to the Message Board and swap cool MP3 titles to download.

And those of you who feel left out that you don't have MP3s...THEY'RE FREEEEE!!!!

What are you waiting for??

Get you a free player, and then start downloading MP3s from

And dammit to hell, That's the LAST time I tell you kids.

Free stuff ... and you guys just let it pass...

I downloaded South Park's "Uncle Fukka" last night.

I'm thinking of changing my diary to

I LOVE that little ditty.

I love Thursdays. Technically, I'm "working" today...but it's always a very slow day and I can work leisurely and at my own pace.

If I feel like going to Walmart instead of working...I go to Walmart.

If I wanna sit on the steps outside and watch the cars go by and soak up sun, I do that.

Thursdays are such lazy days.


I was told on Tuesday I'll have an intern working under me this summer.

We're looking into getting the same one I had last summer...Allison.

She was a doll. All the younger guys in the office had mad crushes on her. I'll admit...she was cute, but not worth risking my marriage over.

Anyway...she was the BEST damned writer ... she cranked out great stories like I crank out shitty diary entries.

And always had a great personality. Bubbly without being obnoxious and had the ability to tell great stories.

Believe it or not...I tell stories LOUSY.

I do.

I can do it in writing. I can pull someone into a story by writing it out.

But if I'm in a social situation and try to tell a funny story, I get bored with it very easily and then rush to the ending and then throw up my hands and say "I'm sorry...I suck at telling stories."

My sister Kristi...holy hell...that gal knows how to tell stories.

It was funny...this past Thanksgiving, we all met at my parent's house in South Carolina.

One night we went out to some little hole in the wall bar where my parents go to play video poker.

My parents are compulsive gamblers. Luckily...they've got the money for it and usually win too.

Only machines though. They don't sit at blackjack tables or bet on football games.

But man...they're addicted to freakin' Video Poker and Slot Machines.

Me? I HATE gambling. I don't understand "odds" at all ... If you give me 4 to 1 odds on something, I have to ask if that's good or bad.

If I'm gonna spend money, I wanna have something to show for it. It's that simple.

Oh yeah...a point.... MY SISTER TELLS GREAT STORIES.

We were in this little pub and all my parents' friends gathered around our table while my little sister just told story after story about her life that had everyone in stitches. She's just so good at getting you interested and involved in her stories ... people hang on her every word.

I watched with amazement as she does this.

Then...they always turn to me.

Because I'm the guy who makes a living being funny.

SURELY I'm going to be even funnier than my baby sister.


...And I always leave them sitting there with sour looks on their faces as I stutter and spit.

Give me thirty minutes and a computer, and I can come up with something that will make you laugh.

But ask me to tell a joke or a story that will make others laugh and I fail miserably.

That's not to say I'm not a funny guy in real life. By all accounts...I'm a chucklemeister. I CAN get people laughing with ease.

Just not through stories or jokes. Mine is through quick observations, smart assed comments, bizarre parables and physical gestures.

I'm like Robin Williams, except I'm funny.

Shit. I don't even know what "bizarre parables" means.

Can you tell that I never really had a topic when I sat down this morning??

I thought so.

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