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6:03 a.m. - 2001-10-28

You know what really gets my goat and then slaps it upside its goat head several times for hours on end?

When your local news anchors have that silly-assed "30 seconds until we sign off" banter and they want to talk about Daylight Savings Time.

Here was the dialogue from the last 30 seconds of my local news cast last night:

MARK: "David, what kind of weather will we be waking up to tomorrow?"

DAVID: "Well Mark, we should have patchy amounts of fog with temperatures close to the freezing mark."

MARK: (nervous pause) "...And don't we set our clocks back one hour tonight, David?"

DAVID: "What?"

MARK: "Our clocks. Tonight we go back to Daylight Savings Time, right?"

DAVID: "Oh! were ON Daylight Savings Time. Now we go back to normal time."

MARK: "Ha. Ha. Ha. know what I meant."

DAVID: "I'm sorry, I didn't."

MARK: "Ummm...(waiting for David to hit his cue) Should we be checking our smoke alarm batteries tonight?"

DAVID: "What for?"

MARK: "Shouldn't we change out our smoke alarm batteries when we change the clocks?"

DAVID: "Why?"

MARK: "I...I'm not sure. That's just what it says on the teleprompter."

DAVID: "Nobody ever does that, Mark. It's something we're supposed to say, but nobody ever does it."

MARK: "Saturday Night Live is next! Enjoy that extra hour of sleep! Have a great weekend!"


Here's my deal.

I NEVER get an extra hour of sleep when we set the clocks back.


What I get is having to wake up an hour EARLIER.

Today...I slept in. When I woke up, it was 6 a.m.

But according to the new's 5 a.m.

So basically, I got up an hour earlier than I would have wanted to.

This sucks.

I laid there in bed, trying to go back to sleep and take advantage of this "extra hour" of sleep.

I tossed.

Did a little turning.

Then Andrew started howling.

Keep in mind folks...that "extra hour of sleep"?? That doesn't fly with babies.

If Andy wakes up every morning at 6 a.m. ... now he wakes up at 5 a.m.

Andy inherited his daddy's internal alarm clock. He wakes up nearly every morning between 5:30 and 6 to be nursed.

Now... it'll be between 4:30 and 5.

That small cluster of people in Indiana know what's going on. They NEVER mess with their clocks. There IS NO Daylight Savings Time to them. They're almost like...Amish people or something. They don't go for that newfangled fancy schmancy turning back clocks shit.

They know that Daylight Savings Time just wreaks havoc on a baby's brain. So they don't mess with it.

I can appreciate that.

Thus, I may be moving to a small little sliver of Indiana soon. The small little sliver that understands that Daylight Savings Time sucks ass and that local newscasters get their freakin' jollies talking about it each year.

Freakin' local newscasters... anyone still having problems with the boxes at the top of this page?

If so, leave a detailed message ("I can't see the f'n boxes" is appropriate)on the message board under the heading "I Can't See The F'n Boxes!" and I'll see what we can work out.

I put the little "color changing" box up there in the upper right of the page for those of you who find the page a bit too blue for your liking. You can at least change the background color and play with that until you find a color that agrees with your beady little eyes.

And if you're just getting broken images at the top of the page, right click the boxes and click "Show Picture". That should bring the logos and stuff up. Then hit refresh a few times and it should work its way into your cache.

I hope anyway.

Hell, I dunno. Who do I look like? Bill Gates?

To answer the million dollar question...I'm not sure how my diet's going right now.

As long as I keep it structured with cut and dry foods, I'm doing good.

For instance, every morning I have a bagel (3 carbs), half a banana (1 carb) and a cup of non-fat yogurt (1 carb), two slices of turkey bacon (1 fat) and three thin slices of either ham or chicken on my bagel (1 meat).

That's what I'm supposed to eat.

Last night for dinner, I had a bowl of chili.

I have NO IDEA what kinda carbs are in that bad boy. There is no measuring 3 ounces of meat and 1/2 cup tomato sauce, etc. in there. I have one bowl, five unsalted crackers and water. Hopefully, that's not going too far past what I'm supposed to eat.

Friday night, I had fajitas. My diet book says that if I "have" to eat Mexican, have fajitas, but stay away from the sour cream and guacamole and refried beans.

Okay, I do that.

But it sure seems like I'm eating a ton of food when I order fajitas. It's three tortillas (which I'm guessing are a carb apiece...I'm allowed five carbs) and a heaping skillet of chicken, onions, peppers and tomatoes.

So I dunno. I don't FEEL like I've lost any weight lately, but then, I haven't weighed myself since last Friday. Because my stupid scale at home is just stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We bought one of those stupid electronic scales a few years back. You can get on it and it will say 150 lbs. Get on it again and it says 220. Get on it again and it's 290.

It's a waste of freakin space, lemme tell ya.

There's a scale at our local grocery store that I use. Sure, it's embarrassing when I get on it and kids gasp behind me. But it's accurate within a few pounds, anyway.


If you REALLY wanna read about somebody and their weight loss, check out Fred at One Fat Man.

Except...that's not what the site's called anymore.

You have to click on it to see what I mean.

And while you're there, check out his dramatic photos of weight loss, including his latest photo for ....ahem...the ladies.

Let Fred be the internet guru for losing weight. I can only hope to follow in his once fat foot steps.

You know...while I'm plugging other sites...there's a few here that I have either found or have been brought to my attention that have severely cracked my poo-poo up.

Tom from Things I Learned Today emailed me recently to tell me how much he dug Uncle Bob. I was all like "Yeah, yeah kid...I'll send you an autographed photo, you goofy bastard...what's your address?"

He included his website address and asked me to check his site out.

My God.

He's one funny, funny bastard.

Also...I'm not sure of the guy's name but Not My Desk is one of the funnier sites on the web as well.

My evil boss Wendigo pointed me in his direction. It's basically the tales of a male temp and the shit jobs that he's forced to work. Hence..."Not My Desk" because he's not working at HIS desk. Do you get it? DO YOU GET IT????

If he still has it up, check out his "Temp Chat" entry which should be about halfway down the page. That's where he went into chat rooms, wanting to chat about temping with disastrous results.

Too funny.

And even though Gawain is about as useful as foreskin snips...he DID point me in the direction of Something Awful. If you think I'M mean at Gawd...the guy at Something Awful makes me look like Glenda the Good Witch.

All three of these sites are what I strive to accomplish someday. And that is comedy with clarity. They make it seem so easy to be as funny as they are.

I almost hate pointing you people to these sites because I know you're going to forget all about your poor Uncle Bob who's kinda been on a down slide the last few weeks and find new websites to love and cherish and send pictures of your boobies to.

But hey. I couldn't keep quiet any longer.

I've gotta go to a stinking new church today by myself because of my big time screw-up last week when I ran out of tape taping the kids screwing up the church service.

Today, they go to another church to do the exact same thing...screw up another church's service with their mangled interpretations of worship service.

The church I'm going to is incredibly tiny. On an average Sunday, they have about 15 people in the congregation. Today, with all our teens coming and all their families, they'll probably have upwards of 50 people in the pews.

The one thing I HATED about this church the last time we went was their "Stand Up and Shake Everyone Else's Hand" portion of the show. We do it at our church too, but I always sit near the same people every week and I basically make a mockery of the whole act.

I pump all the kids' hands and say "Christian Greetings!" really sassy and they get a kick out of it.

Then again, they probably think I'm some kinda freak and are smiling out of fear.

After about a minute of everyone shaking each other's hands, music starts and everyone gets back in their serious "We're at Church, Let's Act Like It" mode.

But at this tiny church I'm going to today, their little shake hands thing lasts upwards of five minutes. It's be one thing if there were hundreds of people there to shake hands with. But after the initial 30 seconds of shaking hands, you're stuck just standing there, trying to make small talk with each other.

"Boy...that Jesus...he sure did die for our sins, huh?"

"Yeah, he did."

"What about that whole 'Coming Back From The Grave After Three Days' thing he did?"

"Yep. That's some pretty scary stuff."

"Man. That Jesus. He sure was something."

"Yep. He was."

"You think they'll be starting the music up anytime soon?"

"I dunno. I reckon we're supposed to talk some more about Jesus."

"Okay. about that 'Water Into Wine' deal?"

"Aw hell yeah! If He could turn it into beer, He'd be awesome at tailgate parties!"



"Well, I'm gonna sit down. It was nice shaking your hand and sharing Jesus stories."

"Yeah. Same here."

I just hope this one goes quick. Thankfully, I'll be videotaping the whole thing, so I can be fiddling with the camera and acting like what I'm doing is really important, rather than making small talk with strangers about Jesus.


We'll see.

That's about it from me. Make sure you leave a message on the message board if you can't see this whole page.

That is all.

10-4 good buddy.

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