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10:57:53 - 2000-08-13



(Uncle Bob jams on his air guitar)


So...went to Quiet Riot last night. That was an experience. Sort of like putting a metal trash can over your head and letting people use the trash can as a pinata.

We hung out backstage for most of the show. Didn't get a chance to meet the actual members of Quiet Riot (THANK GOD) but didn't have to stand out in the sweaty crowd either, so that was a plus.

My big joke backstage was that I had signed several autographs out in the crowd that afternoon because people thought I was the lead singer for Quiet Riot because I was fat, bald and they'd never seen me before.

...The joke worked much better backstage then it did just now...

We hung out right outside Quiet Riot's "trailer" which was soooooo funny. It wasn't a was the tiniest Winnebago you've ever seen. It looked like something white trash grandparents would drive. There was NO WAY you could get more than four people in it. Hell, there was NO WAY you could turn around in the damned thing.

At one point, I ran into the lead singer of one band who owed me $120 for over a year.

He saw me and avoided me like the plague. Finally, he walked over to talk to some guys that I was talking to and he looked at me and said "How's it goin'?"

Now... the phrase that I had been telling myself I would FINALLY say to him when I confronted his arrogant ass was always going to be "Get the fuck out of my face, you fucking mongoloid."

THAT'S what I knew I had wanted to say to him for over 18 months. He had pissed me off to no end by taking money that he owed me from a gig and blowing it all on cocaine.

Cocaine's an evil bitch. It'll make you fuck your friends over in a heartbeat.

Which is what this guy did.

So...when he said "How's it going," my mind said "Get the fuck outta my face, you fucking mongoloid."

But my mouth said "Wassap?"


The one time I run into this bastard in 18 months, and I can't beat his ass.

Ah well. I'm a wuss. Deal with it. I have for several years.

And for those of you scratching your head saying "Who the hell is Quiet Riot?"....Napster can help you out.


Oh...we didn't even stay around for Quiet Riot. Their show didn't start until 10:30 and I'd be damned if I was going to hang out all freakin' day to hear a band with two hits come out and act like they were Led Zeppelin or something.

I'd be like "Guys...I saw your Winnebago. I'VE got more money than you dickweeds."


Susie and I went to the grocery store yesterday.

We kept passing this blonde woman in the know how that go grocery shopping and you get in the same aisle rotation as someone else...right?

Well...this woman was fairly attractive.

And...well...just cos I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu, right?

So at one point, the woman catches me looking at her and she smiles.

So then...for the next couple of aisles, we smile politely at each other.

Susie's oblivious to all this. She's too busy sorting through her damned coupons.

So we get up to the checkout line and Blondie has already checked out. She's pushing her cart out the door and our eyes meet one more time before she leaves.

She then stops.

She then walks over to my wife and I.

And I panic, thinking this woman is going to say "Your husband is a perv who wouldn't quit staring at me and my tight top the entire time you two have been in this store."

But instead she says ... "You're the funny guy that writes in the newspaper, aren't you?"

Oh shit.

Flirting with someone who recognized me as an upstanding member of my community.

Oh shit.

"Yes, I am," I smiled.

"Is he this funny at home," she asks Susie.

Susie grins.

"Yes ... he's funny all the time...except when he's writing in that fucking diary of his."

Okay...she left the diary part out...

"I just LOVE your column," the woman said. "In fact, yesterday I was telling my friend that I clip all your columns out of the newspaper and when I need a laugh, I pull them out and read them and they always make me happier."

"Well, thank you," I said, trying to act all gracious while mentally undressing her.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm a big fan of yours," she said. "Take care."

And with that, she pushed her cart out of the store without having sex with me.

"That was very nice," Susie said.

"It happens a lot these days," I told her, which is true. But ... the people saying it aren't usually THAT attractive.

At this point, the cashier and bag boy are staring at me, thinking I'm Dave Barry or something. know... I could be.

If Dave Barry would ever just die.


I'm actually looking forward to going to church today.

Now that I've become an OFFICIAL member of the church, today will be my first time when I can sit in the congregation and KNOW that I'm a part of the family.

Whenever I've gone before, I always felt a little uncomfortable because I knew SOME PEOPLE didn't accept me there because I wasn't a member.

Now...they HAVE to accept me.

I'm a part of their family.

I'm their Uncle Bob.

Deal with it, bible-thumpers.



Who was the biggest bully ever in your life?

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