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14:38:26 - 2000-02-20

Uncle Bob welcomes all, young and old because he's tired of fighting it. He appeals to the juvenile and immature. It's a cold hard fact of life.


*The other day, my 8-year-old niece informed me that if I don't go to church, I won't go to Heaven. I then pointed out that if that were the case, her dog, Millie was headed straight to hell since the dog had never set a paw in church. My niece cried pretty hard, but I think deep down she knew I was kidding.

* I think the best vacation that a person could treat themselves to would be a one week pro wrestling fantasy camp.

* I believe I'm funky enough to be one of the Fugees in case one of them were to die.

* I'm not too good at picking up women, but I know one trick that WON'T work. And that is, smearing feces on your upper lip and approaching a woman to ask her opinion on your "Mustache o' Shit".

* There's this Italian restaurant in town that I go to about three times a week, been doing it for years. I have a little tradition there, a little prank I've been doing for about ten years now. I hide all the rolls that they bring me and keep asking for more. I take the rolls and stuff them in the cushions of the booth. It's pretty amusing and the wait staff seems to get a kick out of it. In fact, they even gave me a cute little nickname: "That Crazy Fucking Roll Hiding Bastard."

* When I was a young adult, I made the decision that I wanted to live in the Rain Forest for several years. I worked for several years to save enough money to move to the Rain Forest. In April of 1992, I moved to the Rain Forest. By the third week of April, I moved back to Alabama. Nobody told me they didn't have a McDonald's there. Assholes.

* How does a redneck count to five? One, two, Dale Earnhart, four, five.

* For a minute there, I lost myself. Yep...I lost myself.

* You know what best describes the word "cozy" to me? Hanging naked from my wrists over a raging bonfire with a German bar maid threatening to stab me in the genitalia with a red hot poker.

* You know who gets a bum rap in this crazy world of ours we call "world"? Trail mix.

* I'll never forget the summer I worked as a lifeguard and seventeen kids drowned in my pool. Eventually, the public found out that I had a fear of swimming, and I was fired.

* Here's a fun trick to do on a hot summer night. Sneak into your neighbor's house during the day and go to the master bedroom bathroom. Take a red lipstick and write "I'm In Your Closet" on the mirror and then go home and go about your day. The look on their face when they show up at your door screaming for you to call the police is priceless. It's the kind of prank that somebody will say they will never speak to you again over...but after about eight years, they'll probably come around.

* I used to know a guy who abused pastries like they did in "American Pie", except his fetish was with jelly doughnuts and then watching his sister eat them the next morning. And you people thought I was a sick pup.

* Alright ... confession wasn't a friend, it was me. And it wasn't just my sister, it was everyone that's ever eaten a jelly doughnut in my presence since I was 13.

* The thing I liked best when I visited Italy was the Italian's way of showing appreciation for my generous American tipping. Many would yell several Italian "thank yous" at me as I walked away and throw rocks at me, which means "Encore! Encore!" on the streets of Italy.

* I once had a girlfriend who liked to use frozen fish sticks as a substitute for feminine hygiene products. We broke up because she said I was "strange".

* I've decided to build a privacy fence around my house. I want it to be 35 feet high and only go around the outer shell of my house, approximately a foot away from the home.

* I was talking to a friend the other day and said that EVERYONE knows somebody that's an alcoholic. My friend thought long and hard and could not think of anybody she knew that was an alcoholic. So, for her sake, I think I'm going to become an alcoholic so as to make her life a living hell.

* Ironically, it was at the exact same moment that the Judge said the word "guilty" that I started feeling bad for beating Grandma half to death with that bag of kittens.

* I think it really freaked my parents out when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said "Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen".

* If I had to go without one of my senses, I think I'd choose to be blind. But then, once I was blind, I would probably thing "Goddammit...I coulda lost 'smell'!!" But you know...too late eyes have been seared out with flaming hot staple guns.

* When I was a lad of 11 or so, I told my parents that if my dog Freckles ever died, I wanted the town's taxidermist to stuff her so I could sleep with her. My parents agreed to fulfill my wishes. Freckles was hit by an 18-wheeler and dragged half a mile soon after that. My parents didn't have much money, so we had to get the cheapest taxidermy plan. Freckles looked the same as she did the moment she finally freed herself from one of those big 18 wheels. Pretty much bloodied and destroyed, with a horrified look on her face. But I still sleep with that dog today. Ticks, maggots, fleas and all. I love my mangled Freckles.

* You know...for years people have been telling me I'm a sick bastard. And with that last story, I think I proved that to myself. With that ... there's your third entry of the day. Can ya tell Bob's bored?

You know Bob...I think I'm beginning to develop a crush on you. Is that weird? Here....let me tell you more...

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Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

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That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

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