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16:35:51 - 2000-03-19


*If I was ever struck by lightning and LIVED, you're damned skippy my ass would CONSTANTLY be hicupping about that shit.

GUY IN A SUBWAY"Excuse me, do you have the time?"

ME: "Four I was struck by lightning thirty, you watchless piece of shit".

* I guess I would do nudity in a movie as long as they could make my penis look as big as my leg. I figure that if John Wayne can hawk beer, somebody out there can make sure I resemble something more like a man than a Ken doll.

* An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But, you can get the same result by sitting on your front porch with a shotgun in your lap and save money on apples. You know...economy and all.

* I think the reason I hate Haunted Houses so much is the fact that my cousin was killed in a haunted house by a fake werewolf one time. Okay. DON'T believe me, you untrusting little shit.

Alright. I'm sorry too. C'mere...hug time...

(Bob closes his eyes, holds out his arms wide, wraps them around you and shocks you in the ass with his stun gun until you fall on the ground in convulsions) untrusting little shit...

* When I was in my early 20s, I went to wrestling school to be a professional wrestler. Our instructor told us we all needed a good gimmick to get over with the fans. I decided to be the world's first UNprofessional wrestler. Which meant I always showed up drunk as hell long after the matches were over and the crowds went home. Or when I did make it to the matches, I'd take a dump in the ring and growl at the crowd very loudly. Sadly, that gimmick just never caught on.

* You may think otherwise, but warm beer over cereal for breakfast is not as bad as it sounds.

* I think if I ever got up in a hot air balloon, it would take every ounce of willpower I had to keep from urinating over the side.

*Here's a real funny thing to do the next time you pull up at a red light next to some senior citizens ... stare straight ahead and leave them the hell alone, you psychotic little fucknugget.

* Let me stress...I hate old people...but only in the privacy of my own home, car, head and diary. I do NOT go out of my way to disrespect them in any way unless they come within ten feet of me and want to speak to me. At that point, the candy shop's open for business, and Granny just purchased herself a nice big bag of cherry flavored ASS KICKINGS!!!

* Please kids...that was a joke. I am NOT advocating violence toward senior citizens, I am merely trying to paint a surreal mental image that is not very nice. I kid about beating up grandmothers. But the fact of the matter's neither funny, nor cool to beat up elderly people. It may serve as a great stress reducer, but OTHER THAN THAT I will NOT advocate senior abuse.

* Once again, another joke. To put it bluntly...if anybody in this army EVER harms another person, be it a senior citizen or somebody your own size, Uncle Bob is coming after you with one big assed mofo stick. I don't put up with ACTUAL violence toward anybody or anything.

*My 7-year-old nephew was over at the house the other day and had a question to ask me.

"Uncle Bob...what's a vagina," he asked.

I told him that only women had vaginas and that's where the babies were kept.

He thought for a few seconds and said "Uncle Bob, what does a vagina look like?"

I said, "Well Timmy, before sex it looks like a beautiful flower, just as it's ready to blossom. And after sex it looks like a pitbull eating yogurt."

Timmy hasn't asked me much questions since then.

* I love storms. In fact, if society would just kowtow to my controlling ways ... I would probably marry a storm. Can you imagine that?? I guess I would have to be the bitch in the marriage ... I mean...storms are huge. Mother Nature would be sitting in the front row and sobbing at her baby storm getting married. And when we kissed, I'd get sucked into its vortex and thrashed like rancid shredded wheat and spread all over Mississippi.

* I wouldn't care that I was dead though, because anything beats this deathtrap of a marriage I'm in now.

* Once again...another joke. I love my wife. I just don't like it when she tries to shove dildos up my ass while I'm in the shower with a faceful of soap.

* Alright ... storm's a brewin'...thunder rolling in and the rain is hitting the window...I'm uploading and bailing...I may be back later....IF YER LUCKY ... adios muchachos....





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