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5:22 a.m. - 2001-04-23


Soooo...last night was the first event in my Biggest Rat campaign...the silent auction.

I was hoping to make $1,000. Anything over that would be gravy.

We opened the doors at 4 p.m.

A few people trickled in. Mostly friends of mine.

By 5:30, a healthy amount of people had shown up. Maybe 75 or so.

The church family was expecting hundreds. I knew better. I expected a hundred.

I forgot that yesterday is statistically the least attended church day of the year. Because everyone (except you) goes to church on Easter, they all take the next week off.

It's simple logic really.

At one point, I walked around and checked out some of the sheets that people had put their bids on.

I was shocked and appalled.

NOTHING was going for what it should have. I had two VIP passes to our big music festival next month...a $400 value...going for 20 bucks.

Twenty damned dollars.

I actually had TWO sets of these tickets...four tickets all total ... the other set of tickets hadn't even been bid on.

The two autographed footballs that I had busted my ass to get ... both cost $75 apiece to the school, not including the was going for $40. The other $60.

I wanted to stand up and holler, "LOOK YOU CHEAPSKATES....IT'S TAX DEDUCTIBLE!!! GIMME SOME MONEY HERE!!!"

But I kept my mouth shut.

Good thing too.

At the end of the night, we tallied up all the money that came in.


I was shocked. And not the least bit appalled.

Secretly...I REALLY wanted to make it to $2,000. I thought if I did that, the whole thing would be a success.

The fact that they doubled that number is mindboggling to me.

Once we had everything laid out and ready to bid, I walked around and counted how many items we had to auction off.

112 items. I thought we had 50.

Soooo...I made double the money I was wanting to make. Each of my church family got some absolute GREAT bargains (the $500 mall shopping spree went for $315, for instance), and I think everyone walked out of there happy.

So the auction, combined with the $2,500 in checks that I've already collected puts me as the front runner to win this thing in my book.

I have a total of $6,641.25 right now.

If I wasn't so damned tired, I'd be giddy.

After church yesterday, I stayed around to put the auction stuff in place.

I didn't think it'd take all that long. It took two hours.

The ribs that I had cooked all night and EXPECTED to take off the grill at noon, stayed on until about 2:30.

They were BLACK when they came off.

Dried out.

A waste of my time, money and effort.

Still, people ate them like they were the best things in the world.

I think they felt sorry for my rib-burning ass and choked them all down.

The Dollar Tree crap went over like gangbusters.

It was really cute watching all the kids surrounding their table o' crap and trying to outbid each other by 25 cent increments.

I don't even think anything went for a dollar. They all got their stuff for 25 cents.

A LOT of happy kids left there with some cool crap that I paid a dollar for and they got for a quarter.

I don't know if you're a charitable person or not. But you have no idea the good it does in your heart to see a child smile when they've just ripped your ass off blind.

I had to do a lot of work on the microphone last night since it was MY silent auction.

I was about as energetic as a coma patient. I was drained and could barely read sheets in front of me, let alone be entertaining.

After it was all over, one little old lady came up and told me I needed to become an auctioneer and she would give me the numbers of some people to call to get me involved in the seedy underworld of the auctioneer.

I politely said "Fuck no, you ignorant cow."

She kept telling me what a wonderful voice I had and how it really set the mood.


Well I guess the mood was a lethargic one, because I was about as entertaining as a nose-picking marathon.

As I listened to her drone on and on about my sexy-assed voice, the choir director came up and said "You should be in radio."

Oh yeah.


Where a voice like mine could bring in some SERIOUS minimum wage paychecks.

Yeah baby.

Where do I sign up?

(Uncle Bob waves an imaginary pen in the air like he's signing a radio contract)

I tried to get into radio years ago and was met with slammed doors in my face.

Mainly because I was a drunken otter that nobody wanted to gamble on in this town. My reputation preceded me.

Now that I no longer drink or drug, maybe I stand a chance at getting into radio.


And maybe I can get a morning drive time shift that will have thousands of people hanging on my every word.


And maybe I can get syndicated and be bigger than Mancow/Howard Stern/John Boy & Billy.


Or maybe I'd fall flat on my face because I refuse to use the hip deejay voice that so many radio stations think are the key to a successful deejay.


I think I've got the answer, Regis. It's "D".

I don't know if YOU saw it or not...but Diaryland got a small mention in this month's Yahoo magazine.

There's a story on weblogs in there and we get like a half sentence mention...something along the lines of "The same guy who runs also runs".


We're famous!!

Hollywood, here come the Diarylanders!!

And to clarify from a post I did on Friday ... I LIKE the Perceptions Diary. Always have ... always will.

The fact that I brought up there was a parody site of Perceptions now up does NOT mean that I hate Perceptions. It just means there's a parody site of the diary.

There's at least one mental giant out there who thought when I mentioned the parody site that I was tearing down Perceptions, which wasn't the case. I was merely trying to say that although I'm not normally fond of people poking fun at other people's diaries, this is an exception because it's just so damned funny, as is Perception's Diary.

Plus...I bet Bobby at Perceptions probably finds it as funny as I do. I hope he does anyway. The guy's got a great sense of humor and I feel confident he's taking the parody in stride.

So there ya go. I'm sorry that this certain mental giant is so desperately trying to paint me as the antichrist in this situation, but he was wrong.

And now ... he KNOWS he was wrong.

Oh yeah.

I actually "won" some stuff in the silent auction last night.

A gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse.

A gift certificate to Tony Roma's.

A book for my wife written by one of our church members that Susie really wanted badly and overbid everyone else on.

And one month of unlimited tanning at a local tanning salon.

I'm going to be one awesomely tanned bitch this summer.

And I only paid six bucks for that month of tanning.

A $35 value.

Six bucks.

I'm tickled shitless.

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