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17:20:24 - 2000-02-27


I just got a call from my "old friend" Dick.

Have you got an old friend that you just kinda wish would ummmm.... go away??

Lemme tell you about The Dick Situation. That may help a bit better. Plus, if I didn't, this entry would make little to no sense.

Okay ...Dick's a nerd. At 23, he was very nearly bald. He looked and dressed like Homer Simpson back then and still does today.

I always thought I was a huge loser with women, but Dick had me beat hands down. I've known him now for 16 years and he's had two dates. The first one, in 1985, left him pining for the girl ten years afterwards. She got married, had two kids, and he STILL thought he stood a chance with her ten years later. He would sit and badmouth her husband to me, saying how he didn't deserve her.

This was after ONE date.

And no...I'm NOT exaggerating.

The other date ... cross my heart and hope to die...he got a yeast infection.

And that girl was a one night stand that he met right before closing time at a bar up the street from our apartment.

Some of y'all might pride yourselves on being the biggest loser you know, but trust me...Dick has you beat. He's 39, lives in his dead aunt's house that his parents gave him, and lives off his inheritance from his dead mother.

And hasn't had a date since 1986.

There are dry spells. Then there are 14-YEAR-LONG dry spells. Elderly widows get more action than Dick.

Personally ... I can't imagine going from the age of 24 to 38 with no personal companionship. Some of the best years of your life spent horribly alone.

And it's not like he doesn't WANT to date...he does.

But he is the absolute WORST date you could want.

He will NOT pay for the women's meal, drinks, movies, NOTHING!

When I was in the bar business, he used to come out to the clubs I worked at and hung around the deejay booth. Eventually, some poor woman would make the mistake of making eye contact with him and he would eventually saunter over to the table and wow them with his mediocrity.

It used to be so funny, because the waitress would come by and take drink orders. The women would order a drink, Dick wouldn't. Then, when he saw the waitress making her way back to the table with the drinks, Dick would jump up and run to the bathroom to avoid paying for the woman's drink.

This was his modus operendi. He said himself "Why should I buy a woman a drink if I don't even know if she's interested in me yet?"

Ummmm....because you have NO woman in your life at all and four bucks isn't going to kill you??

Anyway...Dick and I first met when we worked in a record store together. One day, I was looking for a roommate to share an apartment with and I was desperate. The girl I was supposed to move in with lost her job and wanted me to pay her rent for her, strictly platonic.

Heh. Kiss my ass with that strictly platonic shit. If I'm paying your rent, I OWN YOUR ASS.

So Dick and I moved in together the summer of 1986.

It was a disaster from the get-go.

He was such a geek and ran off any friends that I may invite over. I remember one party I threw that drew about 40 people into our apartment. Dick freaked out and threatened to call the cops.

"Ummm...Dick's your place, dude. You may NOT want to call the cops."

He reluctantly reconsidered.

It was while living with Dick that I met my wife. After dating a few weeks, she moved into the apartment with us. Probably not the most kosher thing to do to Dick, but I didn't care anymore. The honeymoon was over with Dick and it was time to draw a line in the sand.

Susie moving in made Dick uncomfortable, because now he couldn't walk around in his old, dingy, ripped jockeys and scratch himself whenever he wanted.

He moved out a few weeks later, leaving Susie and I in the apartment. At that point, I thought it would be over between me and him.

Hardly the case...

Now ...twice a year I get a phone call from Dick. Usually, it's when he's depressed and just wants to catch up with old friends and remind them of how pathetic he is. Today he said "Wow, you're the only one home today!"

I felt like saying, "No, I'm the only one who wasn't smart enough to check caller ID before answering."

He and my wife still don't get along 14 years later. They're cordial towards each other, but you can tell he just wants to rake her eyes out and vice versa.

Dick reminded me today of the last time we saw each other. It was last May at a music festival. I was EXTREMELY trashed and hanging with my entourage and we ran up on him at one of the stages. Of course, he was all alone (at a music festival) and he spoke while I struggled to pay attention to his ass.

Today he called to tell me his mother passed away. The only trouble is, she passed away two years ago, and he's told me that every time he calls. At first I was all "Oh wow...I'm sorry". Now I just say "Yeah I know".

He always ends his phone conversations with "Keep in touch!"

I've never asked for his phone number and I have no idea what his address is.

He's just one of those guys that came through my life for a brief period years ago, didn't make that big an impression on me and now won't leave me alone.

You ever had a friend like that?


Ooo! Ooo! I wanna leave Uncle Bob A MESSAGE and make sure he gets it immediately!!

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