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5:17 a.m. - 2001-05-15



I had to get up early and write my column and it took much longer than I thought it would and it sucks crap and I know this, so I'm not sharing it with you guys today.

Instead ... I'm giving y'all something unique that I wrote a few years ago for that site "Perry's Perspective" that I told you about last week. It's a site I wrote a few columns for before it shut down.

This is one of the "columns" I wrote that never saw the light of day because Perry shut his site down before I could email it to him.

This is an interview with two strippers that I did in a strip club in Pensacola. Every word here is verbatim from the tape. Yes...I actually got drunk enough to interview two strippers. At the time, I thought it would really impress them to the point that they would have sex with me in a back room or something. That didn't happen, and thank God for that. I didn't need to be bringing home any stripper diseases to the Mrs. no matter how drunk I may have been.

Anyway...this is pretty crude at times ... but I have nothing else to give you this morning and you deserve something, don't you??

So here it is ... my interview with two hot-assed strippers. Hope you enjoy...

Recently, me and two buddies had the good fortune of having $800 cash between us as we walked into Club Mardi Gras in Pensacola, Florida. For those of you not familiar with the club, it's the type of club where men go by themselves and women are already there and they're doing really erotic things like sliding up and down poles to Limp Biskit tunes and making their rectums sing. Together, the three of us built a small empire of strippers and whores that had the guys at the bar green with envy.

After a series of Heinekens and Jagermeisters, and spending $100 on a "private room", I managed to nab an exclusive interview for Perry's Perspective. I had actually been in town for an interview with Bruce Hornsby, but I blew that off to get trashed with some strippers. Since I had my tape recorder with me, I figured I'd put it to good use. The gals were more than excited to be interviewed, thinking that I was their gateway to the stars. So Perry ... do what you can for these ladies.

The strippers being interviewed are "Ari", a 27 year-old mother of one with an amazing set of tanned titboxes. Blond hair, blue eyed and deeply tan all over, Ari was either really good at her job or she had a serious crush on me. I haven't figured out which. Ari has been taking off her clothes and waving her ass in guy's faces for six years.

"Ariel" was a 20 year-old stripper who had been stripping for two months. She was about 5'10" with light brown hair and a model's face. She had the perkiest pecs I've seen in decades and was a little shy and reserved. I admit, I imagined what her face would look like covered in my man goo on several occasions.

I hope this interview proves to be educational for those of you who frequent these establishments. I hope it offers an insightful look into the world of strippers and what makes them tick, cry and orgasm.

ME: Alright ... first question ... which one of you are lesbians?

ARI: HA! Well, I like men.

ME: But ... have you ever been with a woman?

ARI: Ummm ... for personal pleasure ... no. For professional purposes, yeah.

ME: What about you Ariel.

ARIEL: I've never been with a woman ever.

ME: Wow. Good answer. So tonight ... we could make history ..

(The girls smiled at each other and I know I started sporting at that point)

ME: Okay. So why do you strip?


ME: Umm ... do you enjoy it?

ARI: Oh shit yes. Every night I get to have guys stare at my body that I've worked hard to keep in the condition that it is in. And I get paid a shitload of money to do it.

ARIEL: It's a fun job but I don't want to do it forever. I'm just paying my way through college.

ME: Have you been able to do that?

ARIEL: (laughs) I did that my first week. I made enough money my first week to pay for tuition, housing and books for my first semester. The rest that I've made I'm saving.

ME: Good God. Can I see your nipples again?

(Ariel pulls her vest open to expose her right breast for my amusement. We both smiled and continued with the interview).

ME: So, why did you get into stripping?

ARI: I got really drunk and won $500 in an amateur contest the first time I ever got onstage at a club in Atlanta. The owner offered me a job right after that and I asked him what kind of money did it pay. He told me I'd make at least $2,000 a week. I made $2,500 my first week and that was the worst week I had there.

ARIEL: I started college last year and wanted to be able to pay for it myself. But the engine in my Corrola went out and I had to get a new car and was out of money for school. So my boyfriend told me I should dance because I always danced for him at home and he thought I was good at it. I came over here and asked if they needed help and I was hired on the spot.

ME: Duh. Can I see the other nipple now?

(Ariel laughs and shows me the other nipple, running her index finger across it once and letting me watch it get hard. I asked her to marry me and she said I couldn't handle her. I agreed and we continued the interview).

ME: Is there any kind of sexual gratification in your job?

ARIEL: Sometimes when I'm on stage I get a rush from it, but I wouldn't call it sexual.

ARI: I don't know about that. If there's a guy sitting there and we lock eyes and he's able to stare past my eyes and into my soul, I know I get hard.

ME: Hard??

(I swear to you, at this point our eyes locked for about 15 seconds. Then she pulled her nightie top up and showed me two hard as rock nipples. I was highly impressed)

ME: Neat trick.

ARI: (grinning and slowly pulling her top back down) Uh huh.

(Feeling obligated, I handed her a five spot for the magic trick)

ARI: Thanks honey.

ME: Don't mention it. So if dancing doesn't turn you on, what does?

ARI: Wait a second. I'm not saying dancing doesn't turn me on. What do you do for a living?

ME: I'm the entertainment editor for a newspaper.

ARI: Alright ... every day you write stories. But every now and then you write a sentence that you take pride in and enjoy and think "Shit, that's a good sentence. Right?"

ME: ...Yeah ... I guess....

ARI: Okay then. Every now and then I see a handsome guy like you watching me and I can tell he's not like the others. And we connect. And then I find like I'm just dancing for that guy. Even when other guys are giving me money, it's like I'm making that guy jealous and that turns me on.

ME: It must be wild to know that you could probably sleep with any guy that walked into your place of work.

ARIEL: I have a boyfriend and stay faithful to him.

ME: Well, you're no fun.

ARIEL: (fake pouts)

ME: Oh stop it and show me a nipple.

ARIEL: (opens her top wide and shows me both breasts and gives me a big smile and a kiss on the cheek. I give her a five, even though her trick wasn't nearly as cool)

ARIEL: Thanks.

ME: Do you have a boyfriend Ari?

ARI: Nope. I live with my mom and my little boy.

ME: Did I tell you single moms that strip make me horny?

ARI: Do you have a Demi Moore fetish?

ME: (frazzled) So ... have you ever worked in an all nude bar?

ARI: Oh yeah, that's all I've ever done. I'm used to giving lap dances with nothing on.

ME: Gulp. How much will that cost?

ARI: I can't do it here, it's against the rules. But if I could, I'd give you one for free, stud.

ME: (blushes) Damn, you're good at this.

ARI: Thank you.

ME: (not being able to get the image of receiving a lap dance from this hot thang out of my head, I stumble to find something to say) Well ... ummm... can you flash me?

ARI: I'm not supposed to ...

ME: I know but CAN YOU?

ARI: (grins and pulls her bottom aside for about five seconds giving me a glimpse of something that she wasn't supposed to show me)

ME: Holy shit!

ARI: See anything you like?

ME: Oh you tease!

ARI: Heh heh.

ME: How much will that cost me?

ARI: I told you I liked you. That was free.

ME: (Getting two swelled heads) You MUST say that to all the guys.

ARI: (visibly pissed) For the last time, I LIKE YOU!

ME: (not wanting to piss off a stripper and get thrown out) Okay, okay ... you like me. Next question ... what do you think about when you're dancing?

ARIEL: (laughing) My ass!

ME: Wow. What a coincidence ... me too.

ARI: (thinking hard) I try to seduce the guys with my dancing. If a guy goes home and plays with himself while he thinks of me dancing for him, then I've done my job.

ME: (mumbling) ... Goddamn ....

ARI: ... But most of the time, I'm just balancing my checkbook in my head.

(Both girls laugh. I sit there and stare)

ME: Ummmm ... I don't think I have any more questions.

ARI: Well that was fun!

ME: Wait one more ... what makes you horny?

ARI: Someone that can make me laugh. For me, laughing is as good as an orgasm.

ARIEL: Me too.

ME: Wanna see my pecker?

Both girls laughed again. They didn't want to see it ... but I had made them laugh. Which I just found out was what they had wanted all along.

Did I get laid that night?


Only because I ran out of money and the empire crumbled like Rome when the money ran out.

Still. I really think they liked me.

I truly do.

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