HOW DO YOU SUBPOENA A SHARK?

You wanna know what REALLY pisses me off???

Strangers that want you to save their lives.

For instance...t'was watching the Today show this morning and they had the wife of the latest guy to get his leg bit off by a shark.

Not the kid...not Shark Boy, the amazing 8 year-old shark taunter.

Not those other people that got nipped by sharks.

I'm talking about the guy who got his leg bit off while on vacation, managed to swim to shore and scrawl his room number in the sand before passing out from shark spit in his veins.

So his wife...who held a press conference a few days ago...was all pissed at the press conference because "the lifeguard didn't do nothin' to save my husband."

TODAY...she announced that she's suing the lifeguard who was on duty.

I'm sorry...excuse me just a moment here...

(Uncle Bob turns away from the monitor and spits out a healthy chunk of saliva mixed with venom)

One more time lady...you're SUING the lifeguard who was on duty??

And you've got Johnnie Cochran as your lawyer???

Alright...let's take a look at this situation...

You fully expect some teenager working a summer job for minimum wage to swim out to where your husband is currently getting his leg chomped off and do what?

Hit the shark and make it cry?

Pry open the shark's jaws and retrieve your husband's leg?

Try to reason with the shark and see if it will just cough the leg back up as a sign of goodwill between man and beast?

Lady?

Lady?

Lean in here lady ... I've got something to say and I have to say it kinda low...

Ready??

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YOU ARE SOOO FUCKING OUT OF YOUR EVERLOVING MIND, YOU PSYCHOTIC AMBULANCE CHASING BITCH THAT I WANT TO BITE YOUR HUSBAND'S OTHER LEG OFF MY DAMNED SELF!!!

The lady has gone on record as saying the lifeguard didn't do anything to help her husband?

WHO IN THEIR FUCKING RIGHT MIND WOULD???

Hey...if I'm standing on the beach, watching my wife and son frolic in the water and a shark comes up and starts eating them alive, I'll be GODDAMNED if I'm sticking around to be next, Pedro.

My ass will be running like a little girl, squealing like a pig and not stopping to look behind me until I reach Tennessee.

Nobody in their right fucking mind would swim out to a shark and try to rescue somebody. I think it was Julius Caesar who once said "Fucketh that."

And like I said...the lifeguard would be LUCKY to be making six bucks an hour. Maybe the guy's wife is delusional and thinks this is "Baywatch" where David F'n Hasslehoff is making billions of dollars to save everybody on the beach ... but I've got a news bulletin for ya, Mama...the pimply faced kid in the lifeguard's chair ain't coming down for an ice cream sandwich, let alone your husband.

And I know the wife's upset. But your husband is still alive, lady. Granted...he's gonna be one suck assed dancer at the high school reunion...but think of the stories you'll have!

I feel real sorry for this lifeguard kid. Once the Amazing One Legged Shark Wrangler made it back to shore, the kid did all he could to help the guy.

But I don't think anywhere in his job description does it say "Whoop up on a shark if it attacks a swimmer."

See...lifeguard means...save people from drowning...pull seashells outta kids feet...that kinda crap.

NOT take on fucking Jaws himself.

Even Roy Schneider had a boat, a harpoon and Richard Dreyfuss, lady.

So be a woman and drop the case. Thank God your husband's alive and heavily medicated. And know that deep in your heart that if the two of you ever get into an argument again, you won't have to run too fast to escape him from taking a cast iron skillet to your head. In fact, you can probably stroll away at a leisurely pace and still leave him in your dust.

Dumbassed lady.

Went to my old favorite Chinese place by my old job for lunch.

I got in line behind two women. One woman seemed rather nice, the other one was the most annoying fucking female roaming the free world today.

This lady did NOT shut up the entire time we stood in line. She never took a breath, she just kept rattling on and on about their workplace and everyone in there.

It was actually kinda funny. The quiet one kept nodding her head while El Chatterbox flapped her gums nonstop.

It was funny until they got to the front of the line.

"What you have?" shouted the Chinese guy behind the counter.

"I'll have the sweet and sour chicken," the quiet lady said.

"I don't know what I'll have," the goddamned chatterbox said as she began to look up at the menu over her head.

Alright.

We've all been standing in line for five minutes. But this fucking idiot couldn't shut her trap for two freakin' seconds and look up at the menu and just pick something out. NOOOOOOOO. She had to enlighten everyone in the damned restaurant with her tales of why Betty is a better receptionist than Tanya ever was.

So Chatterbox stops talking for a second and looks up at the menu, making myself and the eight people behind me want to strangle her.

Even her friend was slightly embarrassed. All this time and she just stood there blabbing like a mental patient.

Finally, she decided to have whatever her friend was having. So her friend says "TWO Sweet and sour chickens".

Chinese guy read her loud and clear. I've been eating in this guy's joint for a year now...he's a bright guy and remembers and hears everything.

Chatterbox wanted to make sure he heard it, as she wasn't even listening to her friend tell Chinese guy to make it TWO orders.

"I want Sweet and Sour chicken too," she said.

"Free Sweet and Sour chickens?" Confused Chinese guy said.

"No two," quiet friend said.

"Two or free?" he asked.

"Two," Chatterbox said, marking the quietest she had been since she walked in the building.

I snickered.

Mortal fools.

Chinese Guy doesn't suffer fools lightly.

He give them sweet and sour chicken alright.

Maybe some sweet and sour dog while he at it.

Alright...back to work for me. I've got a ton of stuff to do and not enough time to do it.

Peace out, homies.

Don't let the sharks bite.