I GET A TIARA MADE OF BUDWEISER CANS AND CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS

Today, I officially become white trash.

It seems (although she completely denies it...smart move, hon) that my wife "forgot" to pay the water bill last month.

I come home last night and there's a flyer in the mailbox saying if we don't pay $167 by 5:00 yesterday, they're coming out to turn off our water today.

...Thank GOD it's not the electricity. I can do without a shower...but the Internet?!?!?...

There's no reason given on the flyer as to WHY they're shutting off our water...only that we owe them $167.

Paying them is not a problem. Believe it or not...I HAVE $167 just laying around the house.

But the fact that MOST PEOPLE WORK during the day and don't check their mail until they GET HOME AFTER THEIR DAY OF WORK is a problem.

It's like we weren't even given a chance to pay it.

My wife, bless her heart, has REALLY gotten bad about paying bills.

Whenever I bring this up, she calmly says "If you want to start paying bills, feel free."

...Shuts me up every time ...

I'm NOT GOOD with money. Point blank. If I was in charge of the checkbook, we'd be flat broke in a matter of minutes.

It was decided very early on in our relationship that she would be the responsible one and deal with all the bills, balancing the checkbook and generally making sure I didn't blow all the money on compact discs and pot.

We also decided that I would be the IRRESPONSIBLE one. I was a deejay who drank at least 12 beers a night (not counting shooters) and threw a massive party every single night of the week for 500+ people.

Hey...the agreement worked for me...

I KNOW she's tired of paying the bills and being the responsible one.

I KNOW THIS.

But...I have not balanced a checkbook in 14 years now. I have a feeling that I would not only fail miserably, but would probably land us in debt before she got home from work.

Anyway...her job today consists of getting down to the Water Works company at 8 a.m. and paying this bill before they send somebody out here to cut off our water.

I just pray to God she doesn't "forget" to do that too.

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I wish my wife was as mean as me sometimes.

She brought home a bunch of work last night and was going through it while we talked.

She was going through resumes for a Human Resources position when she said "Ohmigod...here's one from Diane Varela."

Diane Varela had a hand in firing me at one of the lowest points in my life.

It was actually THE lowest point.

I was a deejay in a club here in town in 1990. I had applied for insurance through the company, but apparently they "never got" the paperwork in Diane's office.

i.e. Diane lost it.

My wife, who had just changed jobs at the time, wasn't eligible for insurance at her job just yet.

My wife, who had never been sick in her life, got a mysterious illness that landed her in the hospital.

I went to Diane's office and asked if I was covered by insurance.

"No," she told me and then lied, "We never received any paperwork."

I went ballistic. I said that I HAD turned in the paperwork (I really had, I wasn't lying...for a change) and told them to get me insurance because my wife was in the hospital and it was costing $2,000 a day to keep her in there.

Well guess what?

Thirty minutes after my argument with Diane, I was called into the manager's office.

They let me go on the spot. Said they couldn't afford to pay me anymore.

Soooooo....this leaves me without a job AND insurance. It left my wife in the hospital with a buncha doctors who couldn't tell WHAT was wrong with her, and bills piling up on top of each other.

...While Diane Varela got the last laugh.

Fast forward ten years later to last night... I told Susie to call Diane and set up an interview with her.

Interview her. Tell her she looks familiar. Lead her to believe that because she looks familiar, she may stand a good chance at getting this cushy job.

Go all the way through the interview and then say "Oh!! I know where I know you from now!! You lost my husband's insurance paper work back in 1990 and then had him fired from his job while I laid in the hospital in horrible pain!! And we're still PAYING that bill off and will be for several more years!!"

...And then just watch this woman's face drop. Like she's REALLY going to get the job after that revelation is laid out on the table.

But...Susie ... being little Miss Christian...said she couldn't do that.

Bah.

I'd do it in a freakin' heartbeat, babe.

Bitch.

Diane. Not my wife.

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My sister called me last night. She had an MRI done yesterday. Ever since my dad's aneurysm (which he's recovered completely from...God bless you people and yer prayers), my sister has been all weird about her brain and wanted to make sure she didn't have an aneurysm.

We'll find out Friday that she's completely healthy and just a hypochondriac.

BUT...she had a little game for me to help her with. And since I suck at games...I thought I'd run it by you guys and see if any of y'all wanna help out.

Cool??

Cool.

She needs SONG TITLES that should have been sung by more correct people.

For instance ... "The Sounds of Silence" by Def Leppard.

Get it??

Or "Man, I Wish I Were A Woman" by Boy George.

I think that was the title of the song. I probably got it wrong. As always...sue me.

Soooo...if any of you intelligent souls out there have any ideas, lay them on me. It's a cute little game, apparently ....SPEAKING OF WHICH ....Susie just walked into the room with her suggestion...

"Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Ice T.

Heh.

She may not be able to pay bills. But she's damned sure good at games.

...You know...if that counts for anything...

Alright...I've gotta go shower before "The Man" comes and turns it off.

G-damned Man.

Love ya. Mean it.