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12:52 p.m. - 2001-09-28


You know...there's a lot of people out there giving advice.

You've got your Dear Abby, your Ann Landers ... even your various web journalists who think that they may have what it takes to guide people with obvious psychological problems towards a better and more productive life when they can't even spell the word "institutionalized".

This makes me think that I've got qualifications to have an advice column.

I mean...for two years, my major in college was Psychology. Granted, I never received higher than a "D" on any psychology test, but that's only because I didn't pay any attention in class because I was too busy dealing with the voices in my head trying to tell me to kill my fellow students. Damned pesky voices...

So...for the benefit of all of you who may need help with various problems in your life, I present to you...


(Since nobody really knew this was coming and I just kinda dreamt it up a few minutes ago, I'll just steal people's problems from Dear Abby or something until I get my own problems to deal with)

Dear Uncle Bob,

I'm afraid that my 20 year-old daughter may be a lesbian. If she's a lesbian, it will just kill my husband. What should I do and how should I force her to be straight?

Worried Mom


Dear Worried Mom,

It's not easy to force a lesbian to start hunkering down with a woody, but it IS possible. First, you must establish that your daughter is in fact a lesbian. I suggest serving a nice Kielbasa for dinner. When everyone sits down at the table, pick up the kielbasa and start fellating it. You know...blow it. Keep winking at your daughter and saying things like "Boy...I bet you've sucked your share of guys off, huh?" or "This is how your dad likes it" all the while moaning as you tickle your tonsils with this porky treat.

If your daughter looks at you with utter disgust, she's a lesbian. Now we go to work.

Strap her into a chair and make her watch straight porn with you and your husband. At first, your family may show signs of discomfort and this is common in families that are forced to watch porn together. But do it anyway.

Comment as much as possible on the men's penises in the movie. Keep asking your daughter if she's ever tangoed with a purple headed monster the size of these bad boys. Chances are she'll either scrunch up her face in disgust or confess she's a lesbian. If she confesses she's a lesbian, look at your husband in mock shock and say "This is news to me!" Your husband will probably hit the ceiling and that's understandable. But assure him that he still has a daughter and he's even gaining another daughter who will look an awful lot like a man so maybe they can all go fishing or running or hitting each other in the crotch with baseball bats. Whatever lesbians do with their fathers-in-law. You don't know. You're new to all this.

Above all, keep loving your daughter as if she'll someday bear children for you. I mean...she won't. She doesn't care for the wang. But you can always dream.

Dear Uncle Bob,

My father is 94 years old and still insists on driving himself to wherever he goes. I'm worried that his poor vision and complete shutdown of basic motor skills will cause him to perish in a tragic auto crash that will sends huge fireballs into the sky followed by thick clouds of black smoke and the sound of a little old man screaming the Lord's Prayer from inside the car. What can I do to help him understand that maybe it's time he gets chauffeured around town?

Concerned daughter


Dear Concerned daughter,

First, do me a favor and slap your father as hard as you can on the back of his head. Perhaps it will jar his brain loose a bit so that he can follow what I'm about to relate.

As we both know, the United States military doesn't fool around. When you ask for their assistance, they're usually right there...Johnny on the spot... looking to help you in whatever you may need helped on.

Call your local Army recruiter's office, give them your father's name and tell them that he's ready to join the armed forces. When they come to the house to get him, at first they'll be a little hesitant, but when you throw in the fact that he's pretty old and can be used as target practice for the boys and girls of the Army, they'll probably say "Okay" and they'll cart Grandpa off quicker than you can say "Here's his medications." more problem!

So what do you think? Should I start a new advice column to help out my fellow man?

I can do it you know.

Just watch.

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