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5:52 a.m. - 2003-05-27

HONEY...WHY IS UNCLE BOB IN OUR TRASH CAN?

I think that I have reached that certain point in my life where it's time I started to contemplate becoming a celebrity stalker.

It's not like it's on my long list of things to accomplish before I die (#414: Ingest gasoline just to say I've done it. #663: Imitate a lamp post for the amusement of others).

But I was watching this E!True Hollywood Story the other night on Justine "Family Ties" Bateman and even she had a stalker at one point.

And there's so many celebrities out there who don't have stalkers and you just kinda feel sorry for them.

I bet they go to their fancy Hollywood parties and Tom Cruise says "I've got a new stalker. She's from Germany and won't stop climbing over my gates" and they think to themselves "Geemanetti!! If only I had a stalker, I bet my career would skyrocket!"

I could go all out and start my own stalker business ... Stalkers 'R' Us.

But I'm just not THAT ambitious.

The question is ... who do I stalk?

Granted, I'm no spring chicken anymore. I could go high profile like stalking Britney Spears and really make a stalker name for myself. But the line of stalkers outside Britney's mansion is probably overwhelming and I'd just be another shifty, frightening face in the crowd.

And there's nobody that I really feel all that committed to stalking. And don't fool yourself ... stalking takes a certain amount of commitment. You have to take the time to write them several letters proclaiming them your soulmate and then you have to find out where they live and camp out front of their house and buy all those stupid gifts to give them every time you see them so they'll remember you.

I mean...stalking can be an exhaustive hobby!

So I've decided to at least start small scale.

I need to get someone that's deserving of a stalker, but not a big enough name to where if I miss a day or two of stalking, nobody else will step in and take my stalker spot.

Someone who would gladly accept my gifts of small teddy bears wearing even-smaller t-shirts that say "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF" that have been handwritten in blood at first. And then when I crossed that line of becoming obsessive, they'd hesitate before they called the cops because they're honored that someone even remembers them.

I thought long and hard about my selective process before I finally settled on a celebrity.

And Lauren Tewes ... you're the lucky lady!

You might remember Lauren from her stint on ABC's "The Love Boat" back in the late 70s and early 80s. She played Julie, the ship's something or other and she was perky and cute and developed a hellacious cocaine problem which got her kicked off the show.

While everyone was doing cocaine back then, Lauren was ear deep in the shit and was apparently so whacked out on it that the producers canned her perky ass and replaced her with someone else whose name escapes me at the moment. It doesn't matter because the show only lasted about 15 minutes longer once Lauren was sent ashore.

So today, Lauren's bounced back from this addiction and is doing community theatre in Washington or Oregon or somewhere up north.

She says she's happy with her new life.

But I can't help but think she'd be much happier with her own personal stalker.

Keep in mind, I don't plan on killing the woman. Hell, I doubt I can even scrape up the airfare to go hang around outside her apartment complex 24-7.

And I'm kind of busy at the new job and with my family, so I doubt I get around to sending her many letters or stuff.

In fact, I'll probably keep my stalking down to an uninspired email or two if I can find out her email address. I guess I'll start with Fmrcokewhore@AOL.com and go from there.

But rest assured, I'm going to be Lauren Tewes' official stalker.

Personally, I think it'd really do a lot for her self esteem. She could open up her email account and say "Oh look! My stalker sent me an e-card! He is so thoughtful and creepy all at the same time!"

And this is the least I could do for the woman since she helped me through many lonely nights in my teen years, fueling one masturbatory fantasy after another.

So Lauren ... if you stumble across this message during your morning Google routine of searching for "Lauren Tewes Desperately Needs A Stalker", I'd just like to introduce myself and let you know that your first email will be composed momentarily.

I hope that we can be friends and I don't have to threaten to cut your head off and mail it to Gavin McLeod or anything if you get all high and mighty on my ass.

Have a wonderful day Lauren!

I'll be thinking of you!

(More than what is considered "socially acceptable" that is!!)

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