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6:04 a.m. - 2003-12-12

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY BIG BOSS GAVE TO ME ... A STAPLER

I've been chosen to create the entertainment for my company Christmas party taking place a week from today.

I was told that one of the traditions each year is that a Choir sings a wacky song, usually a "Weird Al Yankovic" style tune to a Christmas classic that skewers the employees of the company.

You know...

"Jingle Bells, Joe can't spell or use the fax machine.

Mary helps him out each day, on Joe she's really keeeeen."

Basically ... a corny song that will make the employees chortle.

However ... many of you may not know this ... but I need an editor a lot of times because when I write, I don't think "Am I crossing the line of good taste here?" I just write. Then, my dear pal Wendigo usually reads over it first and says "This is offensive, that's offensive, THAT would get you beaten down in a prison if you said it out loud..."

That kinda stuff.

So far, I've done a pretty good job and only wrote two extremely offensive verses out of like 30.

The one that made people's jaws dropped concerned my boss whose boyfriend lives in Atlanta. They travel back and forth on the weekends to see each other.

The verse went...

"And over in another office,

Jane Taylor is the leader.

A shame the poor girl has to drive

To Georgia for some peter."

People looked at me like I had just admitted I was the proud author of the Satanic Bible.

So I changed it.

"And over in another office,

Jane Taylor rules with class.

A shame the poor girl has to drive

To Georgia for some aaa ... lottery tickets."

...Since our state doesn't have a lottery.

The other one is a verse that's asking what the hell we have to do to get rid of one of the vice presidents who is constantly on everyone's last nerve. She's a perfectionist and has had run-ins with everyone in the company at one point or another.

We'll see how that goes over.

Anyway, I was supposed to be dressed as Santa and rather than have a choir sing the song ... I was going to be a rapping Santa.

But the Santa suit will be out of commission for that day. I may end up renting one. I dunno. More than likely, we're going with a santa hat and shades.

Now ... I'm not the best rapper in the world. My favorite rap group is Public Enemy and so I rap like Chuck D who sounds like Marv Albert expounding on ghetto violence.

I've just never been a big fan of the cheesy, sanitary parodies sung at stuffy Christmas parties.

"Deck the halls with reams of fax paper, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

'Tis the season to put people through to Joe's voice mail, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

I'm not sure how my take on the Office Christmas Song is going to go over with the bigwigs in the company.

I may need a new job by the time Christmas rolls around.

Something in janitorial services may be appropriate.

Because nobody ever asks the janitor to pen the Office Christmas Song.

Just empty the trash and clean the toilets, Janitor Boy.

Don't get all creative on our asses now.

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