HOW TO RUIN A WEDDING RECEPTION

Wow. I guess I should update this thing, huh?

First off ... still no job for Bob.

The one job I REALLY wanted ... the editor of a weekly newspaper working for an old co-worker?

She said that the position had been filled.

...Even though they were still advertising for it in yesterday's paper.

I understand this to mean one of two things.

Either I'm not fully qualified, which technically I'm probably not.

Or B)My slacker attitude when we worked together is still fresh in her mind.

And it's probably a combination of both.

Since I didn't get that job, I'm beginning to lean toward doing freelance work, aggressively pursuing the DJ gig and picking up a part-time job with absolutely zero responsibilities.

But now instead of wanting to make pizzas, I think I want to work in a book store two or three days a week.

Oh.

I DID manage to land a part-time gig working at the old newspaper that I used to work at.

I'll probably be doing that on Mondays and Tuesdays. It's basically laying out the paper and writing a few things each week.

And I've got a lead on DJ'ing in a local club which I'm looking in to today.

So all hope is not lost.

Just ... you know ... some of the hope.

I finally got my DJ equipment in on Thursday.

Total damage done to our checking account ... $2,500.

And I used it at my first party Saturday night.

It was a wedding reception for the couple from Hell. You might know them ... Mr. and Mrs. Satan Lucifer?

(Does Satan actually have a last name that I'm not aware of?)

The bride gave me a "list" of songs she wanted played at the reception.

These songs were some of the most off-the-wall songs she could find.

"Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band. It was a hit in 1976 for about 15 minutes. It's one of those rare songs that you can neither fast dance or slow dance to. The only thing you can do to this song is stare at the DJ playing it and think to yourself "What in the hell is wrong with that guy?"

"Shang A Lang" by the Bay City Rollers. You might remember them. A squeaky-clean N'Sync who wore a lot of plaid clothes. Their only really big hit was "Saturday Night". "Shang A Lang" wasn't even close to being a hit. Total number of people at the reception who remembered the song: One. The bride.

"Tie Your Mother Down" by Queen. This is the song that you play at a wedding reception when you want the entire wedding party to collectively yell "Jesus Christ!" at the top of their lungs.

The thing was ... most of these songs that the bride wanted to hear were from the 70s.

But she herself was only about 26. Too young to really care about the 70s.

The groom told me later that the majority of the songs I was playing was to impress the bride's brother who was a bit older than her and grew up in the 70s.

You know.

The creepy guy with the mullet and the Miller Lite standing in the corner of the room playing his air guitar to Foghat's "Slow Ride".

Naturally, the choice in music ran the old folks out of the reception fairly quickly. They ate their cheese cubes and chicken fingers and got the hell out of Dodge.

Leaving me with the bride's brother whose musical tastes obviously never matured past the "glitter rock" phase in 1974.

For four hours, I played obscure Kiss and Alice Cooper tunes while the bride and groom chatted with old friends and the bride's brother stood next to my right speaker, singing into his beer bottle.

Finally, it got down to just six people at the reception. The photographer, videographer, bartender, caterers had all left.

I figured it was time for me to pack it up too.

I played the last of the songs off her request list (The Clash's "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" ... probably the most appropriate song of the evening) and got on the microphone to tell the bride and groom to go have sex or something because I was out of there.

They came up to thank me for a wonderful job (HA!) and gave me my check along with a $100 tip.

The Groom came up to me as I was loading out and asked me if he could help me with anything.

(Mobile DJ rule #5: Never let a drunk guy "help" you load out when your equipment cost $2,500)

I politely declined his request for assistance and he told me he was sorry more people didn't dance to my music.

"Well, I played straight off the bride's request list," I said. "And tonight was all about her, not the guests."

"You're goddamned right it was," he slurred.

He's a sentimental guy.

But I'll bet you that hundred dollar tip they're divorced by next Valentine's Day.