AN EXPERIMENT IN SELF INDULGENCE
Let's answer some Comments from the last entry's Comments Box!
Or Comments Page!
Or Comments Cubicle!
I don't have a fancy name for my Comments!!
Cosmic writes:
I think Josh is adorable. My money was on Amanda Overmyer. I thought she was the next Joplin. Yes, I loved Janice Joplin. Wanna make something of it? My next choice is Carly. If she goes, then Posh Josh the dreadlock boy gets my votes. I really liked David Archeletta until I found out that at 14 he won a ton of money in the Jr. Division of Star Search. Give someone else a chance.
Uncle Bob writes:
Your first choice to win American Idol, Ms. Amanda Overmyer was a one trick pony. Scream, scream, scream and then repeat. Carly's creepy looking. Maybe it's her fangs, her scary tattoos, her limp, lifeless hair or a combination of the three. But no thanks. You can have your Carly. I'm glad to see that Jason has captured third place in your heart. Embrace the inner dirty hippie in yourself and you shall find nirvana. Or at the very least ... pearl jam.
Miz S writes
I don't know. Even crappy Uncle Bob is pretty damn good.
Uncle Bob writes
Obviously Miz S thinks the internet is comprised of 17 websites and that's all. Although I appreciate the comment even though we both agree I was crappy.
Argentum writes
I think watching the sodomy on OZ explains your crush on the kid on Idol. Hey, I've got some great Indie music for you, Bobbo: http://www.myspace.com/thethunderchickens Uncle Bob writes
Calling me a closet homo are ya, Argie?? Because I enjoy watching guys get it up the butt on a nightly basis?? Suggesting that I want to boo-foo a dirty hippie?!? Oh man ... your troubles are just beginning, Argie!!
I'm listening to the Thunder Chickens right now. I like them, but they just don't have enough songs about hippie sodomy for my tastes.
MissPinkKate writes
You're not leaving us, are you??? Don't you dare!!!!Uncle Bob writes
The only one of you who figured out my cryptic little goodbye message in my last entry. I obviously haven't left. Yet.
Pam writes
My mom used to cut the ball off our paddleball and whoop us on the behind with it.Uncle Bob writes
Kill your mom.
Lance Yelvington writes
MINE! Jason Castro is mine! I saw him first, beyotch and you stay the H-E-double hockey sticks away. Unless, of course, you want to watch.
Uncle Bob writes
I've stated my case on what I'd like to do to Jason Castro (treat him like a prag in a maximum security prison) so Lance ... I'm going to expose you. Everyone ... go to youtube.com, type in Lance Yelvington and meet one of my comments people. I know it's not much as far as exposing, but now everyone will know the real you.
Actually, I went to college with the guy and our freshman year he was walking back to the dorm on an icy patch of road and a car slid down the road and ran him over. He survived but he was about as goofy as a blind squirrel after that. Lance has left his head trauma behind and has made quite a nice career for himself pestering D-list celebrities like a half-assed TMZ. Love ya Lance!
dudegetagripseriouslykthx writes
that line about the heroin was funny shit, pretty much as good as old UB - the whiny shit afterward the heroin line was just lame.Uncle Bob writes
I had another email mentioning the heroin line. I don't even remember writing it. I just remember struggling through that last entry like Gary Busey trying to read a Dr. Seuss book. That entry was one of the hardest I've ever written because I thought I'd lost touch with my inner Uncle Bob.
Go fuck a pencil sharpener, dudegetagrip.
There. I ain't lost SHIT, Pedro.
Jakeline says
Hey UB, have you heard of Minus the Bear? I've been totally groovin' on them lately.Uncle Bob says
I have not heard of the band but if you've been totally groovin' on them lately, you must be Jason Castro. For only Jason still grooves on bands. The rest of humanity has moved on to actually "chillin'" on bands. Thanks for reading, Jason. I want your dreadlocked ass. Which is kinda gross if you think about it.
Jason Castro writes
hey UB...i'll totally understand if you decide to stop watching "idol" so you can focus more on your diary. i mean really, how many people from this god-forsaken show have actually made anything of themselves? 2 or 3? i don't like my chances.Uncle Bob writes
Jason Jason Jason. Hang in there, dreadhead. You've got the kind of talent that a year from now will have you showing up at the grand opening of convenience stores in rural Georgia and lipsyncing to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" while swarms of people buy gas and cigarettes and wonder if you're an escaped convict from Oz.
Elwood writes
I think watching Oz late at night is fueling your man crush on the dirty hippie.Uncle Bob writes
This is only a guess here, Elwood. May be right, may be wrong. But I'm thinking you were always the last guy picked for dodgeball games at school, weren't ya?
Squeakzilla wrote
The age-old secret to paddle ball was to put your hip into it. And you never really had to cut the ball off because the elastic was designed to break after 100 or so battings. Once it broke the first time, the re-assembled elastic would break again in even fewer bats due to the shortened length and increased stress. The whole contraption was a marvel of simplicity and genius rolled into one. Bienvenidos UB!Uncle Bob writes
You're like Wikapedia on legs, Squeakie. Not THE Wikapedia ... a Wikapedia that only knows insanely dull facts about paddle ball. Congrats!
Barb writes
UGH! I can't stand that Jason Castro guy... he has stupid facial expressions.... he's goofy all the time.... I can't stand looking at him. I just don't understand it... what is WRONG with you people?????Uncle Bob writes
He does remind me of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz when he makes his faces. For God's sakes Barb ... HE'S A STONER! We're just lucky he remembers the lyrics. Stoners make faces as they frantically search for lyrics swimming around in their heads on live television. CUT HIM SOME SLACK AND JUST ADMIRE THE BOY'S SEXUALITY!!
Christ. I really need therapy.
Squeakzilla writes
Just a suggestion, but maybe it would help to cross out the FAT and BLOATED words you display above each entry. I mean, maybe your subconscious "sees" a new you emerging and is resisting the old you and that deep-thought process is manifesting itself as an aversion to your old mildly-psychotic web persona. The aggression is probably a testosterone thing. Who asked me? No one, I'm just sayin'...Uncle Bob writes
Holy shit. I ask for therapy and I get it.
God bless the comments section.
But for the record, "Fat and Bloated in Alabama" is a takeoff on "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" one of my all-time favorite books. Not sure if I ever mentioned that before.
Melissa writes
Try drinking a glass of warm water after every meal, I know that helps some people get off the weight loss plateau.Uncle Bob writes
Good try Melissa. You just want me to piss myself at work so you can get your cyber jollies. I'M ON TO YOU, MISSY.
Lisa writes
I love love LOVE Okervill River. You rock, Uncle Bob!Uncle Bob writes
Ladies and Gentlemen ... the smartest woman on the internet ... LISA!
Seriously, download "Unless It's Kicks" by Okkervil River today. It's on iTunes. You're out 99 cents. But you have a world of joy waiting for you on the other end of that buck.
Kevan writes
Indie, Bob? Broken Social Scene. It's all you'll ever need.Uncle Bob writes
Second smartest person on the internet. Broken Social Scene has like 300 members and they do symphonies of music, some of it weird, some of it catchy, all of it beautiful.
I second that emotion, Kev
Doug writes
Can't put my finger on it, but that guy (Jason Castro) loooks like some actress. Waaayyyy to feminine (not that there's anything wrong with that).Uncle Bob writes
Now you're gettin' it, Dougie Howser. I like my men lookin' like women without the whole drag queen kitchy thang.
For the records, I'm still straight and still been married for 20 years and I've never had sex with a man nor do I want to.
It's sad I have to put that disclaimer in, huh?
Pam writes
UB, was with my husband's family over Easter, and one of his nieces (age 4) was recently diagnosed as a "high functioning autistic". However, I think she is Asperberger's like your son. Is there a difference?Uncle Bob writes
Pam, "high functioning autistic" is the exact same as "Aspergers". Some people just can't bring themselves to say "Aspergers" in public because people tend to think they're saying their kid has ass boogers and have probably been told one too many times to have the kid wipe his ass better.
Just be comforted in the fact that there's a whole lot more families out there worse off with longer roads to hoe and higher hurdles to jump than your husband's family. Asperger's is not a death sentence, the children are highly intelligent and just a little socially backward.
Kind of like my son's dad.
What a fun time I had!
I certainly hope it's been fun for you!
Alright, gotta go wake up the family and hit 'em in the heads with flaming hot frying pans.
Peace.
