THE GIRL THAT MEANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ME

Seeing as how a number of Diarylanders like to wallow in their own self-pity over either not having a significant other or pining for someone that they cannot have, I've decided to write an entry about a girl in college who didn't change my life. Who didn't rock my world. And who didn't leave me with any lasting impression except "What the hell was THAT shit??"

Her name was Tracy. Don't ask me for her last name, because I don't remember it.

Tracy was a friend of a friend of a friend of mine. Every now and then, her friends and my friends would eat together in the cafeteria. I made small talk with her, but was never all that impressed. She was a pretty girl and did cosmetic makeovers at the mall to work her way through school. But I was mesmerized by another woman at the time and was oblivious to every other female around me.

I have no idea how we wound up together in my dorm room one night. I feel confident we were intoxicated, because I didn't hang out with sober people. I think we had been studying and just gradually ended up in my bed.

Tracy was the third girl I had been to bed with, and my first one-night stand.

When it came time for the humpfest, I just wasn't into it. Tracy was very pretty, but just not my type at all. She was bitchy toward others and wasn't well liked among the females of my little clique.

I guess you could say she was an attractive bitch.

She was also the absolute DRYEST woman I've ever been with. And I ain't talkin' about her wit.

I musta fumbled with her love muffin for 20 minutes, trying to get some sort of dewpoint going on so we could consumate our study session.

No such luck, Pedro. Maybe you come back tomorrow, si??

I knew what would ...ummm...do the trick. But I wasn't going to do it.

Why??? Well...alright...okay...ummmmm....ladies ... I do not HAVE a vagina, but I have access to one on a daily basis if I need it. I fully understand that they are complicated sex organs to keep in tip-top shape. Me? I'm stuck with Goofy dangling between my legs who's up for just about anything that doesn't include sharp objects.

You? Well...yours is more complicated. You've got to clean it, take it to the doctor, wash it out and hang it to dry, etc.

You've got it tough. Uncle Bob is here for you and your vagina.

However...that said... ummmm...some of youuuuu....ummmmm.....I'M NOT SAYING YOU....but probably one of your friends ummmmmmm.....

Well. They don't clean theirs as well as you clean yours, okay?

And when you don't clean them, it's kind of like not taking out the garbage. Eventually it's gonna stink up the whole house.

As luck would have it... Tracy's panties were full of room temperature gouda cheese.

Luckily, she didn't ASK me to give her an oral exam. I think even she knew that she had a cooter that reeked of the monkey pit at the zoo.

FINALLY (maybe she started fantasizing about Rick Springfield or something) we started to get some WD-40 built up in her garbage can.

I quickly took advantage of the situation and squeezed Lil' Chubby inside before Tracy dried up like the desert. I don't remember anything else about the session except it didn't do shit for me. I felt numb throughout the whole ordeal...which could have been the tequila, I'm not sure. I feel confident that I was pretending she was someone else. Like maybe my mom, or someone more appealing than the girl I was currently grinding on.

And ... seeing as it takes two to tango ... I don't think her world was sufficiently rocked by any stretch of the imagination either.

We didn't have to say much afterwards. It was sex for sex sakes. A few days later, she started to see a friend of mine, who fell madly in love with her and they ended up dating for months. We acted like nothing ever happened, which was really pretty cool. There was no tension there or anything.

We both knew we never wanted to sleep with the other one. That was one less person in the world we had to worry about if they were decent in bed or not. The answer was "no".

Hell ... I had to sit and think for a few minutes before I could come up with her name. And as far as remembering her physical features...all I remember was she was a tall brunette with high cheekbones.

Other than that, I'm clueless over what she looked like. It's been a long time. Since I rock and rolled anyway.

So Diarylanders ... before you waste valuable bandwidth space getting all goo-goo over somebody that you've never been with, think about it...

Do you think they may be "dirty" down there?

Huh???

Do ya??

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Thanks a lot Bob...you just ruined every sexual fantasy I've ever had...

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