PAIN PILLS AND INFANTS DO NOT MIX

Trust me when I say...I am SOOOOOO not into this this morning.

I have recently gotten into the habit of taking a pain pill before bed each night. This is because at least once every night, I wake up with a splitting headache in the middle of the night. When I take a pain pill ... no problemmo. I sleep good, no headaches, and most of my dreams are sex dreams which sure beat those dreams where werewolves are chasing me through my high school's hallways.

So last night, about 11:30...Andy starts wailing.

The kid's been good the last couple of weeks, but he's teething right now and this has been about his worst teething experience yet. He's feverish (102 degrees yesterday), he's bitchy (got that from his Mama) and not even "Wheel of Fortune" can calm him down.

So when he starts crying at night, he's crying out of pain...not boredom.

I got up at 11:30, went in his room and consoled him. I reminded him that everything was okay, his mommy and daddy loved him, and there were no werewolves under his crib but plenty in his closet.

After a pretty intense butt-patting session, he started to fall back asleep. I left the room before he completely passed out so that he cried himself to sleep in just a few minutes.

At 1:40, it started again.

This time, Susie went in, patted him, gave him Tylenol and some Nighttime Orajel. By 2:15, he still wasn't asleep so it was my turn again.

This time we had a heart-to-heart father-to-son discussion.

ME: "What is it Andy? Teeth bothering ya?"

ANDY: "Mwwwahhhhh boola bung bung waaaaaaah"

ME: "I heard that. You're not still upset about this whole AAAAAAAAAAAyliyah thing are you?"

ANDY: "Krebow waaaaah buh bye"

ME: "She was told she had too much luggage, but she took it anyway. That's why she died, son. I will NEVER let you take too much luggage on a trip because I love you too much."

ANDY: "Wwwahhhhhhhhh"

ME: "Alright. It's time for you to shut your stinking mouth so Daddy can go back to bed because he took a pain pill before bed and is now seeing colors floating out of your mouth. You dig, baby?"

ANDY: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

ME: "I thought so. Peace out, lil' camper."

I went back to bed and I KNOW he still cried for a while but the pain pill got the best of me and I crashed like Dale Earnhardt.

Speaking of AaaaaAaayliyah...a visitor to the site yesterday took me to task on the message boardover the way I mourned her passing yesterday.

To this, I say....yawn.

Sorry I couldn't get all worked up over a girl with a funky name who died in a plane crash after being told that her luggage was going to cause her plane to crash but ignored all warnings anyway and now we're all supposed to sit back and go "Gosh. If she had just had enough common sense to listen to the pilot and not surround herself with morons who thought they knew more about air travel than a damned pilot, maybe she'd be alive today."

There are other diarylanders who probably discussed her death more eloquently than I did. For my ignorance I apologize. Maybe I'm not the most sensitive waterhead on the block. Maybe I didn't treat the death of one of today's most prominent musical artists with the amount of respect that she deserved.

Maybe I listen to professionals when they are trying to tell me that I'm about to DIE if I don't do what they say.

And maybe people don't visit this site to read my sensitive eulogies for stupid celebrities. They visit this site to see what a cranky old man has to say about ignorant idiots.

And maybe...

And maybe.....

And maybe........

I just don't care.

Y'know...when you choose a recently deceased celebrity as a target in a journal entry, you're bound to ruffle a feather or two.

Duh.

It was a joke. Nothing more...nothing less.

Oh...AND HOW DARE YOU suggest I slip on a banana peel!!!

My God....what kinda sicko are you?!?!?

I shudder to think of the depths you would go to in order to prove your point.

I'll tell you one thing...I'm keeping an eye out for errant banana peels today.

I ain't taking no chances.

That's it. I've got more to blab about, but I'll hold onto that for my afternoon entry.

Y'know...it's nice to not have to update any other diaries but this one now.

Those fake diaries took their toll on me.

Now it's just me and you.

Remind me to tell you about the fake diary idea to end all fake diaries that I had that I never implemented but would like to see someone else try.

Yeah.

Remind me of that, dude.

Oh yeah...and Schmez ... duh.

Why do you think I've been singing "Straight To Hell" in your guestbook, fool??